A while back I posted the trailer for Nia Vardalos’ directorial debut, I Hate Valentine’s Day, which was more than enough to convince me never to see it.  The Onion A/V Club recently had some poor bastard review it, but I think the accompanying picture really does all the work.  She could have pupils shaped like spirals and springs popping out of her head and still look less crazy.

Now that we’ve got the best out of the way, it’s time for the fun part: the worst.  Not surprisingly, this list is a lot longer.  It should come as no surprise that the big winner is Old Dogs.  Whether it’s the actual trailer, with Seth Green getting cradled by a gorilla, this clip of gratuitous nutshots, the tagline “Sit. Stay. Play Dad.”  or releasing a publicity still in which you can clearly see a crewmember’s reflection, the entire marketing campaign was essentially a hate crime.  Worse than a hate crime, really, because it hurt white people.

RUNNERS UP:

Clash of the Titans (watch it below).  It doesn’t hold a candle to Old Dogs for sheer cringeworthy terribleness, but it does nicely illustrate the idiotic mindset behind your average awful trailer.  Plot? Dialog? Story?  Screw that, yo, we’ll just cut together imcomprehensible action sequences and set it to guitar!
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Hey, remember I Hate Valentine’s Day? How could you forget, it opened on three screens.  Here’s the trailer and my original description:

Nia Vardalos is back, writing, directing, and starring in the new romantic comedy I Hate Valentines Day, which promises to be the Citizen Kane of Kate Hudson turd ripoffs.  Vardalos plays a strong, sassy know-it-all New Yorker who doesn’t believe in love and sucks at acting.  The voice of TGI Friday’s plays Joe Regular, the average schlubnik trying in vain to win her heart by being adorably boring.   But after a few dates (*RECORD SCRATCH*) could it be SHE who’s falling for HE??  I’d rather slam my nuts in a car door than find out!

Sounds great, right?  Sadly, as GordonandtheWhale discovered, it seems poor Nia has yet again become the victim of a vast sexist conspiracy.  Damn you, patriarchal society!  You just can’t stand to see a terrible actress succeed!

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Opening this weekend:

Public Enemies
Johnny Depp reportedly stopped talking to Michael Mann on the set because of his “chaotic” directing style, and chaotic was more or less what I said of the finished product. I didn’t think it was very good, but I don’t want to bash it too hard, because say what you will, at least it’s a movie aimed at adults and not a toy commercial.  So see it, so they keep making these “types” of movies, just don’t expect to know who’s shooting at whom or why.

Ice Age Dawn of the Dinosaurs
Oh yeah, this movie.  Forgot about this one.  I’m sure it’ll be a great movie to take the kids to, because in the trailer, a squirrel gets his chest waxed and tries to masturbate a buffalo, and it features dinosaurs during the ice age, which I’m sure won’t totally screw up their knowledge of history.  It’s so hard to convince kids that the Earth is only 6,000 years old and dinosaurs were pets kept by Jesus these days.

I Hate Valentine’s Day
Yahoo says this movie is opening this weekend but I’m not sure in which cities, because on the distributor’s website, the links for release date are broken.  Which I assume is because someone at IFC Films hates Nia Vardalos as much as I do.  What is she even doing?  Her idea of acting seems to be trying to look bitchy and surprised in every scene.  And I will never, ever forgive the girl who made me sit through My Big Fat Greek Wedding.

NIA: “Then we eat lamb!”
JOHN CORBETT: “Mmm, with mint jelly?”
NIA: “Um… no.”

Get it????  He’s a wasp and she’s hilariously ethnic!  Their cultural differences are a never-ending geyser of comedy!!