Yahoo just broke the first full-length trailer for I Am Number Four, the Spielberg/Michael Bay produced aliens-in-high-school movie directed by DJ Caruso, who seems to have completely lost his mind after Salton Sea (which was awesome).  It stars Alex Prettyfur as an alien on the run who hides out in high school (a la 21 Jump Street), where he falls in love with Dianna Agron (the hot one from Glee).  Timothy Olyphant plays his guardian, a role he won after Sharlto Copley wanted to wear alien ears.

The project is based on a young adult novel by James Frey (A Million Little Pieces) and Jobie Hughes. Seeking to capitalize on Twilight fever, Dreamworks bought the rights before the book was finished (a la Robopocalypse and Amp), which concerns a good alien on the run from bad aliens who’ve chased him to Earth.  At least it’s just his hands that sparkle this time. I can only imagine the thought process behind this one.  “Hmm, let’s see, we’ve got Cowboys vs. Aliens, aliens vs. Battleships, aliens vs. Michelle Rodriguez… why not aliens in high school?  C’mon, greenlight this and let’s do some blow.”

Dramatically adjusting your hoodie is the new looking like you have heartburn.

Dreamworks has just released the first trailer for the Michael Bay-and-Steven-Spielberg-produced, DJ Caruso-directed, aliens-in-high-school movie, I Am Number Four, based on the forthcoming book series from James Frey (the Million Little Pieces guy) and Jobie Hughes.  It stars Timothy Olyphant, Teresa Palmer, Dianna Agron, Kevin Durand, and Alex Pettyfer, whom I have renamed Alex Pretty Fur.  If you’ll remember, this is the film Sharlto Copley dropped out of in a dispute over alien ears.  Anyway, here’s the rundown:

In the film, an extraordinary young man, John Smith, is a fugitive on the run from ruthless enemies sent to destroy him. Changing his identity, moving from town to town with his guardian Henri, John is always the new kid with no ties to his past. In the small Ohio town he now calls home, John encounters unexpected, life-changing events — his first love, powerful new abilities and a connection to the others who share his incredible destiny.

His incredible destiny?  MIND BULLETS!  (*tries to bend spoon, poops pants*)

Meanwhile, in an incredible exclusive, I was able to obtain this footage of director DJ Caruso directing the action on set:

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EXCLUSIVE!  EXCLUSIVE!  EXCLUSIVE!

Sorry, that was just my Tourette’s acting up.  CLITORIS! BOOGERS!  Nonetheless, this story IS an exclusive (and keep in mind, my last two exclusives have since been confirmed by the trades).  Variety today reports that the awesome Timothy Olyphant will be replacing the similarly legit Sharlto Copley in I Am Number Four, the Michael Bay-produced, DJ Caruso-directed, aliens-in-high-school movie.  This was Variety‘s official (read: not true) reason for the switch:

“Scheduling conflicts with his upcoming press obligations for Fox’s ‘The A-Team.’”

Right, as if Dreamworks wouldn’t have known his press obligations from the beginning.  Luckily, the real story is much funnier.  The real story, and I promise I’m not making this up, is that Sharlto Copley wanted wear a prosthetic nose and fake ears like Spock and look like an alien in the movie, while director DJ Caruso was adamant that the aliens were supposed to look just like regular humans, hence why they’re able to fit in.  This was apparently such a sticking point that neither would budge, and Copley left the project.  Haha, I love you, Hollywood egos.  What I wouldn’t give to be a fly on the wall during that argument.

“But you said I got ta be da alien!”

“Nuh uh! You got ta be da alien last time!”

“I hate you!  I’m not guh be your friend no more!”

*grabs juice box, storms out*

*Michael Bay blows up a frog with a fire cracker*

An artist's conception of what it might look like if these chicks almost touched boobs.

I can’t watch Glee, and it’s not because I’m homophobic — I still love Project Runway and have even watched Shear Genius once or twice — I just loathe campy musicals.  Nonetheless, for all you queerbaits who do love that show, Glee‘s Dianna Agron (left) has signed for I Am Number Four, the Michael Bay-produced, DJ Caruso-directed, aliens-in-high-school movie, based on the upcoming book by James Frey and Jobie Hughes. Here is the cast as it now stands, including (in bold) the two that I can report exclusively (TOLDJA TOLDJA TOLDJA! — sorry, bloggers are supposed to do that, right?).  And you know you can trust me because I reported the casting of the lead two weeks before the trades, and because my mom says when I sleep I have the face of an angel.

Alex Pettyfer – John/Number 4
Teresa Palmer – Number 6
Sharlto Copley – Henri (Number 4′s guardian and mentor who comes to Earth with him)
Kevin Durand – The Commander
Dianna Agron – Sarah (girl dating the head jock who falls for Number 4)
Callan McAuliffe – Sam (Number 4′s best friend)

From what I understand, John is the lead, the good alien who flees his planet, Lorien, from the Mogadorians, led by Kevin Durand’s character, who chased them to Earth.  I know, I know, it sounds pretty silly.  But then again, there were lots of aliens at my high school.  Mostly in my Spanish class.  And now that I think about it, they must’ve had super powers because it was almost as if they knew the material before it was even taught.

*removes sweatpants, puts on reporter mask*

I have it on good authority that Dreamworks is in negotiations with relative unknown Alex Pettyfer to star in I Am Number Four, the Michael-Bay-produced, DJ-Caruso-directed, James-Frey-written, aliens-in-high-school movie.  I also hear that the studio wants Kevin Bacon or Gary Oldman to play the father, but haven’t made any offers yet.  This was the original Variety description:

“The story is about a group of nine children from a planet called Lorien who have been attacked by a hostile race from another planet. The nine and their guardians evacuate to earth, where three are killed. The protagonist, a Lorien boy named John Smith, hides in Paradise, Ohio, as a human and tries to evade his predators.” [Variety]

I know this probably wasn’t the most interesting story, I just thought that if I knew something other people didn’t I should make a big deal about it, because bloggers are supposed to do that.  In any case, I apologize.  Please accept this picture of Abe Lincoln with a boombox as a token of my appreciation.  In related news, I want to adopt this puppy and name it “Alex Prettyfur”.