Tim Burton and Wanted‘s Timur Blackmambetov (that’s what I call him anyway) today announced that they’ve bought the rights to Seth Grahame-Smith’s book, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.  He’s the same guy who wrote Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, which was earlier optioned by Natalie Portman with David O. Russell in talks to direct.  Between his twee hyphen name and the fact that every NPR-loving Rachel Maddow fan thinks this gimmick is the funniest thing ever, it’s tempting to hate the guy.  But I admit I haven’t read his books; it’s possible they’re really funny.  That’s what makes hipsters even worse, sometimes they’re right.

Moreover, this seemed like a good excuse to post the trailer for 2001′s Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter.  Jesus and Abe Lincoln have a lot in common when you think about it.  They’re both skinny, have sweet beards, and freed slaves.  Wait no, that was Moses, wasn’t it.  Well anyway, Jesus brought everyone wine and made sandwiches.  Then when he showed up, all the Jews were like, “Well this is simply divine!”

Shut up, I was already leaving.

Thanks to Jlichman for reminding me of that movie

In a sad, sad indication of our times, this year at the Oscars it seems the economic downturn has affected even the giving-free-shit-to-celebrities industry.

“The country has shifted, and I think that bling is out,” said Jane Ubell-Meyer from Madison and Mulholland, which bills itself as a VIP gift bag and product placement company. “I think that people are a little more conservative and they don’t want to flaunt it in everyone’s faces.”
Madison and Mulholland is focusing on “affordable luxury” [like corndogs and masturbating? -ed] this year. Ubell-Meyer said that it was important to create what she hopes is a respectful and thoughtful image.

That’s right, a bitch who makes a living getting companies to pay her to give their shit away for free wants you to know she feels your pain, Joe Shitkicker.  She’s not planning to actually help, mind you, but she’ll be careful not to rev her Bentley too loudly on her way past your hovel. That would be tacky.

Freebies this year will be scaled back from the “old days” — before this year’s recession and last year’s writers’ strike — to include a high-end vacuum cleaner worth several hundred dollars, a handbag worth about $200, a toothbrush sanitizing gadget for around $30 and handmade jewelry.

But one of the biggest suites in Hollywood is still going all out. Gavin Keilly, CEO of GBK Productions [aka Some Dipshit's Initials, LLC], told CNN that plenty of high-end products were scheduled for his lounge.

“It’s amazing to me that even in these times, [companies are showing off big-ticket items],” he said. “I think it is even more blingy.”

Among those “blingy” items: $10,000 vacations to a destination spa, $8,000 to $18,000 watches, and a year’s worth of Botox, Restylane and microdermabrasion valued at $3,000.

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The makers of Breaking Upwards, an indie romantic-dramedy (an iRom-Dram) playing at SXSW (that’s “South By Southwest,” grandpa), recently made this faux rap video to promote their film.  The film tells the story of a New York couple played by real-life couple Daryl Wein and Zoe Lister-Jones (omg, it’s so meta!).  Will he pop the question?  Will she become Zoe Lister-Jones-Wein? Will she divorce him and marry Christopher Mintz-Plasse, thus becoming Zoe Lister-Jones-Wein-Mintz-Plasse?  Only time will tell.

Anyway, I give them extra points for creativity, but minus 1000 for the line “My future vision is generally spot on / much like the comic timing, of Jen Aniston.” You really couldn’t write a worse rap line than that.  At least not without referencing Kierkegaard.

(Plus 100 points for Olivia Thirlby in a bra).

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500 Days of Summer played to rave reviews at Sundance, though of course those reviews come from the same people jerking off to Slumdog Millionaire.  It bills itself as “Boy meets girl.  Boy falls in love.  Girl doesn’t.” Mmm, sounds rapemantic. It stars Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Zooey Deschanel, who as I’ve said before, is cute like a baby leopard cub, though I’d still like to bang her.  So, pretty much exactly like a leopard cub.  Anyway, movie looks like it falls somewhere between Garden State and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind on the hipster romance movie spectrum.  I confess, I actually like both those movies^*.  Do I have to put on a scarf and sit in the corner listening to Vampire Weekend now?

^{*The latter much more than the former, but still…}

The movie blogosphere is all a-jizz today over the news that Sony has hired David Lindsay-Abaire to write the script for Spider-Man 4 (Zodiac writer James Vanderbilt had previously written a draft).  Besides having a stupid hyphenated name, Lindsay-Abaire won a Pulitzer Prize in 2007 for his play Rabbitt Hole.

“Ooh, look at me, I have a Pulitzer Prize.”  Whatever.  I didn’t even know they had those in theater.  Who even watches plays anymore?  Plays are like movies without explosions or bare tits.  They might as well award a Pulitzer Prize in Alchemy, or riding horses.

Oh hey, and you know what else this guy wrote?  Inkheart.  With Brendan Fraser.  Case closed.  Advantage: me.  Mixed metaphors? Touchdown.