Last night, Austin’s Fantastic Fest kicked off a week of honoring “horror, fantasy, sci-fi, action and just plain fantastic movies” with the opening night party, and the highlight of the evening was the debut of The Human Centipede 2. To show proper respect to the sequel to Tom Six’s 2010 horror tale of a mad doctor’s fetish for ass-to-mouth, the people at Fantastic Fest even organized the world’s largest Human Centipede Conga line. They clearly didn’t make it to my Bar Mitzvah.

But for those of us who couldn’t make it to Texas last night, all we have for now is the film’s new poster, which is, of course, not exactly theater-friendly. Check out the poster after the jump, as well as a patron-friendly alternative created by one unique theatre.

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To be honest, I’m a little perplexed at people’s continued fascination with this whole Human Centipede thing. As far as I’m concerned, “DUTCH GUY TRIES TO GROSS PEOPLE OUT, SUCCEEDS” is like the ENTIRE STORY. Also, didn’t someone already threaten to sew George Costanza’s ass to his face in like ’95? But every time I post a new Centipede story it gets like ten billion hits, so here we are. It’s like I’ve got a bunch of goddamned Germans reading this site. Anyway, here we have the Australian teaser for Human Centipede 2: The Full Sequence, which promises to be six jillion percent more medically accurate, vis-a-vis people eating other peoples’ sh*t. I don’t even know what that sentence means. You figure it out, sh*teaters.

Here’s the partial synopsis:

…a scene early in the film depicts  [the protagonist] as he masturbates whilst he watches a DVD of the original Human Centipede film, with sandpaper wrapped around his penis, and a sequence later in the film in which he becomes aroused at the sight of the members of the ‘centipede’ being forced to defecate into one another’s mouths, culminating in sight of the man wrapping barbed wire around his penis and raping the woman at the rear of the ‘centipede’.

But this teaser doesn’t show any of that, only people vomiting while they watch it, as if they needed to further drive home the point that “THIS IS GOING TO BE GROSS.” Could this be any more like Scrotie McBoogerballs at this point? In fact, Tom Six should have to change his name to “Scrotie McBoogerballs.” (Either that or “Piss Christ”). But given that he’s Dutch, that probably wouldn’t even be the silliest name on his street.  At least, not as long as he’s living next door to Dilkok von Veenerturds, the famous penis doctor. POOP RAPE TURDS DOODY BUTT, QUEEFY FARTING BUNGHOLE PEE SNATCH. DONKEY TITS.

Tom Six has been a household name ever since he filmed people pooping in and out forever in a movie that no one really wanted to watch, but everyone wanted to make jokes about (and cat toys, and necklaces, and tattoos, and porno {NSFW}…). He made a sequel earlier this year, but now that that’s done… it’s time for a third installment, naturally. But how to top himself? Why, he’s going to make it grosser, of course.

Present at the Empire Presents Big Screen event in London Six confirmed that he is gearing up a third and final Human Centipede film which will ‘make the second film look like a Disney film.’
“We’re going to shoot the third film entirely in America and it’s going to be my favourite. It’s going to upset a lot of people.” [Twitch]

You may remember that the second film was banned by the BBFC for, among other things…

“…a scene early in the film in which [the protagonist]  masturbates whilst he watches a DVD of the original Human Centipede film, with sandpaper wrapped around his penis, and a sequence later in the film in which he becomes aroused at the sight of the members of the ‘centipede’ being forced to defecate into one another’s mouths, culminating in sight of the man wrapping barbed wire around his penis and raping the woman at the rear of the ‘centipede’.

I don’t know how he plans to top that, short of actually showing up at your house and taking a dump in your lap, but that does sound exciting. Nice to seem him constantly reinventing himself. No one can call you a one-sh*t pony, no sirree.

(from our “Ideas for Movie-Themed Food Trucks” post)

I saw this story about the Human Centipede sequel being banned by the British Board of Film Classification yesterday and I didn’t think much of it, mainly because banning a movie I’m never going to see anyway isn’t much of a story. But I finally read the ruling, and found it more than noteworthy on account of its extreme specificity.  If only every tribunal’s decision included the phrases “forced defecation” and “sandpaper wrapped around his penis.”

This new work, The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence), tells the story of a man who becomes sexually obsessed with a DVD recording of the first film and who imagines putting the ‘centipede’ idea into practice. Unlike the first film, the sequel presents graphic images of sexual violence, forced defecation, and mutilation, and the viewer is invited to witness events from the perspective of the protagonist. Whereas in the first film the ‘centipede’ idea is presented as a revolting medical experiment, with the focus on whether the victims will be able to escape, this sequel presents the ‘centipede’ idea as the object of the protagonist’s depraved sexual fantasy.

The principal focus of The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence) is the sexual arousal of the central character at both the idea and the spectacle of the total degradation, humiliation, mutilation, torture, and murder of his naked victims. Examples of this include a scene early in the film in which he masturbates whilst he watches a DVD of the original Human Centipede film, with sandpaper wrapped around his penis, and a sequence later in the film in which he becomes aroused at the sight of the members of the ‘centipede’ being forced to defecate into one another’s mouths, culminating in sight of the man wrapping barbed wire around his penis and raping the woman at the rear of the ‘centipede’. There is little attempt to portray any of the victims in the film as anything other than objects to be brutalised, degraded and mutilated for the amusement and arousal of the central character, as well as for the pleasure of the audience. There is a strong focus throughout on the link between sexual arousal and sexual violence and a clear association between pain, perversity and sexual pleasure. It is the Board’s conclusion that the explicit presentation of the central character’s obsessive sexually violent fantasies is in breach of its Classification Guidelines and poses a real, as opposed to a fanciful, risk that harm is likely to be caused to potential viewers.

The BBFC has rejected the sexually violent, and potentially obscene DVD, The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence) This means that it cannot be legally supplied anywhere in the UK. [BBCFC]

Hey, wasn’t that an Eddie Izzard bit?  Anyway, is it just me, or does this movie sound like an adaptation of that book they wrote on South Park, Scrotie McBoogerballs?  Or is it more like Butters’ book, The Poop That Took a Pee?  Either way, needs more Morgan Freeman.

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Occasional misses aside, I consider South Park probably the most comedically relevant show of the last 10 years.  You could disagree with me, but keep in mind: I will fight you.  The new season begins this Wednesday and if I’m talking about it, you know there must be some tangentially-movie related angle giving me an excuse to post this link bait banner picture.  Ta da, it’s a Human Centipede parody.  Hooray! I expect this to be the most medically-accurate South Park episode of all time.

The latest Apple product to hit the market is revealed in the 15th season premiere of “South Park” titled, “HUMANCENTiPAD,” premiering on Wednesday, April 27 at 10:00 p.m. on COMEDY CENTRAL.   Kyle is intimately involved in the development of a revolutionary new product that is about to be launched by Apple. Meanwhile, Cartman doesn’t even have a regular iPad yet.  He blames his mother. [via Examiner]

I love South Park because it’s smart while being blatantly, aggressively vulgar and silly, with little creative oversight, the way all comedy should be.  So there, I just reminded you to watch a comedy TV show about a novelty cult film.  My God, I have the most important job in the world.  You can read about all this and more in my new autobiography, You’re Welcome, Society.