With 11 days until the release of Captain America: The First Avenger, Paramount Pictures knows comic book aficionados are starving for sneak previews, so they released a slew of images recently. Captain America, of course, tells us the story of Steve Rogers, a runty nerd that grew tired of life stuffing him into lockers, so he let the U.S. Government BALCO his puny ass into a super soldier with the agreement that he kick some Nazi ass.

From what the images reveal, Chris Evans, playing the titular ass kicker, makes serious faces like, “Hey government lady, I’m Captain America” and Hugo Weaving, who plays Red Skull, is all like, “Scowl, I’m a Nazi!” Pretty intense stuff. Luckily, I was smart enough to realize that if you print the images out and flip through them quickly, it’s like you’re actually watching the movie. So I can now offer this exclusive first review of Captain America – It’s a mess. Seriously, it’s all over the place. One second he’s a tiny dude and then he’s all jacked and then Red Skull has a red face but then he has normal skin and an ice cube.

It’s pretty confusing so check it out for yourself.

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Boy, this new set of Captain America adult Halloween costumes looks really good– wait, you’re saying these are the actual movie posters?  Oh crap.

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First Avenger: Captain America is being directed by Joe Johnston, so it’s most likely going to be a disappointment, but we can all still be good internet nerds and pretend like it won’t.  That’s what my parents did with me and look how that turned out. Okay, bad example. Marvel has said the first trailer for the Avengers will be attached to either Captain America or Thor (which looks a lot more promising), and in the meantime, Entertainment Weekly posted this new picture of Red Skull.  Or should I say the APTLY NAMED Red Skull.  Believe it or not, that’s Hugo Weaving (The Agent from The Matrix) under there.  Jeez, with all those buckles and leather, this has to be the second gayest look we’ve ever seen on him.

Also, is that a Cthulhu belt buckle?  That’s hot.  Label that thing “steampunk” and you could make a fortune on Etsy.  I bet that’s his master plan. Super villain indeed.  See? I told you Nazis were fashionable.

(click for full size)

Meanwhile, the Cat Who Looks Like Voldemort is not impressed.

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(I actually like this fan-art version of Red Skull, who’s all happy like the Joker)

As I’ve already said like 15 times, I wasn’t able to get into the Captain America Comic Con panel even though I waited in line for three hours.  Luckily, someone at io9 was able to attend, and I have a computer with which I can copy and paste. It’s a Christmas miracle!

Director Joe Johnston, whose previous films include Wolfman and Jumanji, was joined on stage at Comic-Con by Chris Evans, who plays Cap, and Hugo Weaving. Johnston described his vision for the film as being “like Raiders of the Lost Ark, which feels modern and not like you’re watching something from 1936.” He added, “[Captain America is] not going to feel like a 1942 war movie, even though we’re telling the origin story of Captain America.” He also gave us a few hints about what to expect in the movie: We should expect to see Steve Rogers’ character solidly established before he’s transformed, since he wants the audience to love the character before the transformation takes place.

Things got awesome when Weaving started talking about his character, the Red Skull, a Nazi obsessed with ancient artifacts who becomes Cap’s nemesis. Weaving said he based the Skull’s accent on those of weirdo German filmmaker Wernor Herzog [how dare you! -Ed.] and Austrian actor Klaus Maria Brandauer. The image of the Red Skull above is not how he will appear in the film – during the panel, Weaving said he would be wearing “a series of lightweight pieces” on his face. So don’t worry – it won’t be CGI Red Skull. [I09]

CGI or no CGI, with Joe Johnston directing, it’ll be a miracle if this movie’s any good.  But I do like the idea of Werner Herzog as Captain America’s enemy.  Seems fitting.

“Eef zair eest one sing I hate moar zen za feelink uff za sunlight on mein schkin, eet’s za Captain America.  Mit za helmut, oont za shield, oont za vaving uff za schtarz oont za stripez.  Eet conjure za eemage uff za red-cheeked cheeldren, vearing za safety helmet oont playing oont za ball pit uff za fockink Mcdonald’s.  Mit dair Schtarbuckz, oont za iPhone, mit za map Googles, oont za fockink Fayzebookz.  Not zee German, he know true poetry.  He vork az lockpick.  He ist bouncer een za sex club. Za headmazter oont za mongoloid asylum.  He ist not faint of heart.  He knowz za feelink uff za gunshot een za belly — ist nuzzink.  Za flesh vound.  Oont ven za nazi look eento za eye uff za Jew, he see nuzzink but za cold, indeeference uff nature.  Ist beautiful.  Achtung!  RELEASE ZA PIGS!”

My dork horoscope says it’s bad luck to report Captain America news on Iron Man day, but I just had to share.  First, a few days ago, the rumors about Hugo Weaving (Agent Smith) playing Red Skull were confirmed, and they’re reportedly close to a deal.  Last night, we also found out that Toby Jones, which would make a great pirate name, will be playing Arnim Zola.  Toby Jones played Truman Capote in the lesser-seen Capote pic Infamous, and is the elf opposite Roman Polanski in this picture.  Captain America is still being directed by Joe “Jumanji” Johnston, though Joss “Nerve Tonic” Whedon is reportedly re-writing the script to put it more in line with his Avengers movie, which promises to be the least seen, most talked about film in comic-book history.

In the Marvel comics, Red Skull has been Captain America’s archenemy since 1941, when he engaged in espionage and sabotage as Hitler’s right-hand man. In his final battle with the superhero, he was buried under the rubble of a bombed building but — as would occur later with Captain America — fell into a state of suspended animation. Both were revived in modern times.

In comics lore, Zola was a genetic engineer who created clones and various monstrosities for Hitler. He also captured his own mental self, inserting it into a robot, and survived the war. [THR]

Back in school, we used to come up behind Toby Jones in the locker room and whip him in the back with wet towels.  Then when he’d wheel around in pain we’d yell, “YOUR NAME IS TOBY! IT’S A NICE NAME!”  And then we’d laugh an laugh.  We were so cool back then.