Charlie Sheen’s all-out, F-18 media napalm attack continued today with interviews with Piers Morgan and Howard Stern, and I’m sick of pretending that covering Charlie Sheen is not just bitchin’, all-out winning every second.  He seemed a little more subdued today, probably a combination of hearing his ridiculous quotes read back to him and the weekend’s coke binge wearing off, but nonetheless, the grand warlock still delivered a few gnarlington Sheenisms.  On the subject of Sheen’s meltdown, I think Patton Oswalt said it best:

The lesson of Charlie Sheen: cocaine makes dumb, boring people feel smart, magical.

Charlie Sheen quotes from the

“There’s been a tsunami of media, and I’ve been riding it on a mercury surfboard.”

“I have a 10,000 year old brain and the boogers of a seven-year old.”

Quotes from the Howard Stern interview (as compiled by me from this morning’s live show):

“I’m shakin’ a tree.  I’m shakin’ all the trees. ”

[On why he's so quotable] “I’m grandiose.  Because I live a grandiose life.  I’m not aw shucks… because I’m gnarly.”

“I’m celebrating me, every day.”

[On Sean Penn, who called to offer support] “He is the best actor in the history of the spoken word.  We must honor him as a national hero, period the end.  He’s got tiger blood, he’s got adonis DNA, he gets it.”

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Bill Murray is famously eccentric, which often manifests itself in awesome ways, like him singing karaoke with strangers or showing up at random house parties and doing the dishes.  Other times, it comes out in less awesome ways, like him having the Ghostbusters 3 script for three months and refusing to read it even though he gets asked about it every three days.  Murray was on Howard Stern this morning to promote the DVD release of Get Low, and provided our latest update on the project.

Howard Stern: Is it true that there is a Ghostbusters 3 and that you’re the problem and you will not sign off on this? Do you know about this?

Bill Murray: Yeah, I guess I’m the problem. Before I was an asset, [but] now I’m a problem. There’s a script somewhere [on my desk], but I haven’t read it yet.

HS: Why haven’t you read it? Is it because you think it’s a bullsh*t idea? In other words, Ghostbusters has had its time and you did a remarkable job with that and you’ve moved on?

BM: There’s a little bit of that. I only made one sequel
and it was Ghostbusters 2 and it didn’t end up the way it was presented.

Murray either forgets or purposely blocks out his work on Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties.  Just as an aside here, in a GQ profile from last year, Murray tells a cute story about how he did Garfield because he mistook the guy who wrote it, Joel Cohen, for Joel Coen of the Coen brothers (it might shock you to learn that there are multiple guys named Joel Cohen working in Hollywood).  In both cases he seems genuinely unaware that there was a sequel, and that he was in it.  Anyway…

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So Jamie Foxx and Howard Stern are fighting.  The back story on this is that Howard Stern committed the cardinal sin of not pretending to not notice that Gabourey Sidibe is enormously fat.  Look, people, from what I’ve seen, she seems like an intelligent, genuine, and funny person, but let’s stop acting like the first thing you notice about her isn’t that she’s 400 pounds.  Cut the sh*t.  It’s a lie and it’s patronizing.  “I love her spirit!” F*ck you.  She’s fat, not retarded.  Anyway, Jamie Foxx (who also has a radio show on Sirius) took offense to that and ripped Stern. To which Stern said:

“I gotta sh*tload of stuff on Jamie which isn’t a lot of fun…even the name change to Foxx, it’s interesting that he chose the name ‘Jamie,’ I could get into the whole f***ing thing…My guess is we’re probably not on the same team. I think he’s playing for a way different team. I don’t know what team he’s on but it ain’t my team.”

That could be interpreted a few different ways.  Maybe he thinks Jamie Foxx isn’t on the making-fun-of-Precious-team.  Or that he isn’t on the Jews-who-look-like-Joey-Ramone team.  For whatever reason, Jamie Foxx took it to mean he was gay, and said this: Read the rest of this entry »

Tarantino went on Stern earlier today, and, as usual, frankly revealed a veritable line of facts, many kilo bytes of information.  And after the bump — er, jump — you can watch a video that’s making the rounds today of Tarantino’s favorite 20 movies of the past 17 years.  He picked some movies that really rock.

Anyway, here’s one of the items Quentin told Stern:

Pitt recently told Bill Maher he no longer smokes weed, for the kids’ sake. Was he telling the truth?
“Quentin said that things eventually ended and he went to his hotel. He said that Brad had this big brick of hash and he was going to give him some for the night. He said that Brad whipped out a knife and cut up a big sliver for him and the stuff was pretty good. He said that he asked for a pipe to go with it and Brad handed him a Coke can to use instead. Quentin said that would make for a great scene in a movie and he may have to use that.”

Oooo, well look at Mr. Fancy Shmancy with his brand name soda can bong.  Back in my day we had to settle for a Dr. Thunder bong out of the quarter pop machine at Walmart.

Here’s a quick summary of some of the other things Tarantino revealed on today’s episode of TMI, with Quentin:

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^{Homophobic Turtle awards Lange the Purple Heart, for injuries to career sustained in the line of hating queers.  Uh, make that the Red Heart.}

I missed this on Howard Stern yesterday, but lovable train wreck Artie Lange was discussing how he’d auditioned for the part of a wrestling promoter in Darren Aronofsky’s The Wrestler:

“I had what I thought was a great audition… So I went back another time, killed again. I then did a screen test. Killed again. So my Agent says to me ‘Aronofsky really likes you, and its between you and another guy.’” … “So it goes right til the end, and my manager calls me back and tells me ‘the other guy got it’. I was like ‘Aw F-ck!’ It was really like god was f-cking with me.”

Then a friend offered a possible explanation:

“My friend says, ‘Don’t you remember Darren Aronofsky?’ I was like ‘What are you talking about?’  Apparently when I was at Mad TV back in 1996 we went out to a Hollywood party, and as my friend tells the story ‘You got completely fucked up… this is one of those times when we had to pull you out of the party.’ This kid went to film school with Darren Aronofsky. He said, ‘In this party, you claimed this guy Aronofsky,’ – and this is before Requiem for a Dream – ‘you claimed that he was looking at you wrong and you kept hitting him in the head and you punched him in the face.’ I said ‘What?’ He goes ‘Yeah, you were really abusing this guy, calling him a film school fag.’ [/Film]

It’s unclear whether the incident had anything to do with Artie not getting cast, or if it ever happened in the first place or if Artie’s friend was just trying to mess with him – Artie says he thinks it never happened.  The part got cut from the final movie anyway.  But see, this is why you can’t hang out with sober assholes.  You go out and you get drunk and the next day you’ll be eating a greasy breakfast, feeling fine.  Then they’ll show up and be all like, “Hey! Remember when you punched that cop?  Remember when you went down on that tranny?  Remember when you puked on that baby?”   Of course I don’t, asshole, that’s why I was drinking.