A while back, Dreamworks teamed up with a company called Global Creatures to produce a $20 million theatrical version of How to Train Your Dragon which is premiering this March. They recently invited press in for a preview, and holy crap this looks awesome. I’m generally against adapting movies into plays, since it’s kind of the least creative thing ever (what if we took Hairspray and Legally Blonde, subtracted the satire, and added gay songs and horrible cheesy theater smiles!). But you know what’ll always change my mind?  Giant, fire-breathing dragon puppets. Now that’s what I call theater! My God, I’d never have been so down on theater if I knew it could be so much like Truckosaurus.

And that dragon. He’s so soulful and expressive. I wonder if that’s Andy Serkis in there. I bet it is. He’s such an amazing actor.

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Weird weekend, folks.  How to Train Your Dragon stayed on top in a weak weekend (down 13% from last year overall, lowest of 2010 so far), while Kick-Ass fell off a cliff (down 52% from last week), and The Losers flopped like your sister’s titties.  Losers was low-budget for a comic book movie ($25 mil) with a B-movie director, and basically the same concept as The A-Team, so its gross is basically par for course.  Gotta spend money to make money, coffee is for closers, that suit looks like dogsh*t and all that.

But I still can’t figure out Kick-Ass. The hot conspiracy theory is that kids who aren’t 17 are buying tickets to How to Train Your Dragon and seeing Kick-Ass, which is why Dragon went from number three to number one the weekend Kick-Ass opened.  As much sense as that makes and I wish it were true, I have a hard time justifying it with the existing numbers.  In its first weekend, Dragon earned $43 million. Then the second weekend, it dropped 33.7%. Then the third weekend, it fell 14% from that, and the weekend that Kick-Ass came out, it dropped 21% from that.  The staying power is unusual, but to be able to blame kids buying the wrong ticket, you’d think there would be a smaller drop in Dragon‘s gross the weekend Kick-Ass opened.  Though I’d still like to believe.  Can anyone better at math than me make this work?

This week, Dragons was down a modest 23.5%.  Since 67% of its gross came from higher-priced 3D showings, it probably wasn’t the most-watched film in terms of attendance.  That honor belongs to… The Back-Up Plan.  That’s right, the f*cking Back-Up Plan, starring Jennifer F*cking Lopez and Horatio P. Whatshisface, was most likely the most-watched movie in America.  I clearly have nothing in common with you people.  I’m going to autoerotic asphyxiate until I turn blue and drift off to Pandora.  To hell with you mentally sick primates.

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Putting aside my bias because I liked it (though I can see why some people didn’t), the general consensus was that Kick-Ass would win the weekend and make $30 million or so.  Early estimates (final numbers come out tomorrow) have it earning $19.75, trailing How to Train Your Dragon by $250,000, which, though not a flop, would make it a moderate disappointment, like having a son who grows up to be a movie blogger.  I’d be inclined to blame illegal immigrants and the Dutch for this disappointment, but for a true phony explanation of this box-office misforecast, I turn to Brandon Grey of BoxOfficeMojo:

Kick-Ass didn’t bust out of its unpopular superhero comedy confines nor did it match its hype, but it nonetheless delivered one of the highest-grossing starts ever for its sub-genre.

Shackled by its unappealing subject matter, Kick-Ass packed a not-so-walloping estimated $19.8 million on approximately 4,300 screens at 3,065 locations. The Incredibles holds the record for superhero comedies and is the only truly successful one, but, among live-action entries, Kick-Ass boasted the biggest debut. Mystery Men was the previous high with $10 million (or over $15 million adjusted for ticket price inflation), showing how little interest the sub-genre has stirred in the past.

Kick-Ass’s turn-out was closer to the other violent action movie from April 16, 2004: The Punisher. That’s because the Kick-Ass machine rammed outrageousness, colorfully vicious action and self-referential humor down people’s throats but lacked purpose and story. It was true to its sensory-bound but nondescript title. Furthermore, while some spoofs work, people aren’t as eager to see heroes torn down. Watchmen and television series Heroes alienated viewers with such themes, so a movie brazenly dissing heroes like Kick-Ass was only going to go so far.

So there you have it, folks.  Before you release a movie, you should check with Brandon Grey about what “sub-genre” it falls into and he can tell you whether you should change the theme so as not to alienate viewers.  He does it all on his specially-made, box-office calculator watch.  It’s impressive, really.  “Hmm, I don’t know, this title is too sensory-bound,” he’ll say, while thoughtfully spreading cheese on a Handi Snak.

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Tina Fey and Steve Carell’s Date Night took the top spot away from Clash of the Titans over the weekend, earning an estimated $27.1 million on the strength of solid reviews from critics who overwhelmingly called it, “Okay, I guess.”

Meanwhile, the critically-acclaimed How to Train Your Dragon rode Jay Baruchel’s nasally drone to a solid showing in number three with $25.3 million, and Tyler Perry’s latest half-assed Sunday-school lesson was a distant fourth, dropping like a rock, down 62% from its opening weekend showing for one of Tyler Perry’s steepest drops yet.  But hey, that’s why they’re called Lifetime movies of the week, right? And anyway, its $48 million gross so far is more than enough to earn back the 18 bucks they spent on it. Have you seen the poster?  Tyler Perry’s sporting that creepy grin because he’s thinking of the new muu muu he’s going to buy with all the money they saved  hiring the neighbor kid to Photoshop this thing.  And also because he’s a lunatic. Ten bucks says when he goes home, he puts on his Madea costume and molests himself.  

Elsewhere, Hot Tub Time Machine was all the way down at number seven, where its $36.9 million gross was just good enough to earn back its estimated production budget, but still a lot less than it deserves.  It was funny, dammit.  One slot higher than Bounty Hunter?  Did anyone even know that was still playing?  I’d say that I don’t want to live in a world where Bounty Hunter earns more than Hot Tub Time Machine, but the truth is, I don’t want people who see Bounty Hunter to live in a world where Bounty Hunter earns more than Hot Tub Time Machine.  That’s why I bought this blow torch.

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Opening this weekend:

Hot Tub Machine
Say what you will, nothing I’ve seen has done anything to diminish my enthusiasm for this movie based on the title alone.  And after this review, I’m pretty much sold.  I’m just glad I don’t have any stupid kids running around so I don’t have to see…

How to Train Your Dragon
When we were kids, our heroes weren’t necessarily the best looking or the most athletic guys, they were the guys who’d responded to their shortcomings by developing wit and interesting personalities.  Ferris Buellers and whatnot.  What I’m trying to say is, I’m sick of the sad, bitter, loser character in every f*cking movie now.  Oh, you’re poor and unathletic and you’re a wimpy kid with a diary who loves Beth Cooper?  Maybe if you shrug harder and feel sorry for yourself and act like a wounded prick, the world will just come around and you’ll be great some day.  What.  Does that not apply here?  I’ll be honest, I turned it off after 10 seconds of Jay Baruchel’s nasally drone.  And clearly, it’s a total rip off of…

Birdemic
I believe there are still a few tickets left for the midnight screenings tonight and tomorrow.  I will be there tonight, most likely drunk, in order to cheer on the movie Chodin called, “Like taking an egg yolk sh*t in a pair of scuba goggles and then wearing it around for an hour and a half.”  Yeah, I’m pretty miffed they haven’t used any quotes from Chodin’s review for anything yet.  I demand satisfaction.

UPDATE: Two more Birdemic showings have been added.
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