In what may be the worst decision ever made, according to the Hollywood Reporter, Robert Downey Jr. has officially left Alfonso Cuaron’s planned sci-fi epic Gravity and is now “circling” another project, How to Talk to Girls.  How to Talk to Girls is of course the adaptation of a how-to book written by, wait for it, a nine-year old.

Sources say that actor is circling the project, an adaptation of a book by a nine-year old boy revolving around advice on how to deal with the opposite sex. Downey, along with wife and producing partner Susan Downey, would also come aboard as a producer, joining Shawn Levy and his 21 Laps banner.

Girls was written by Alec Greven, then 9 years old, as a school project. It landed the boy a publishing deal (at least three other How to Talk to … books have been written) and put him on talk shows across the country.

Ben Karlin and Stu Zicherman wrote a draft but word is that the project is being reconceived and developed as a Downey vehicle. Susan Downey will spearhead the development process and will oversee the hiring of a writer. At the time of Fox acquisition, Levy said he wanted to make a comedy in the tone of Big.

Aw, a 9-year-old wrote a book, isn’t that adorable? NO. IT’S NOT F*CKING ADORABLE AT ALL.  IT’S CREEPY AND WEIRD AND THE PEOPLE ENCOURAGING IT SHOULD HAVE TO PAY FOR THE HEROIN REHAB.  Aw, look, we took a human being and turned him into a talking action figure for Oprah fans!  Isn’t it great?  It’s so lifelike, it even wears sweaters!  Guuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. The only thing worse than a media-trained adult is a media-trained child.  Unfortunately, Greven isn’t the only one of these.  Stare into the eye of the beast after the jump, but consider yourselves warned. Read the rest of this entry »

A while back I reported that a self-help book written by a nine-year-old had been optioned by (who else) Fox.  And now they’re going forward with it.  They just hired a couple Hollywood Jews* to write the script.

Writers Ben Karlin and Stu Zicherman who paired to write the spec script “A.C.O.D. (Adult Children of Divorce),” will adapt “How to Talk to Girls,” a self-help book written by fourth-grader Alex Greven [pictured]. Karlin has been a writer and executive producer on Comedy Central’s “The Daily Show With Jon Stewart” and “The Colbert Report.” Zicherman was a co-writer/creator of ABC’s “Six Degrees,” and he co-wrote the feature “Elektra.”

Before HarperCollins published it in November, Greven was selling his handwritten pamphlet at his school book fair, offering his peers tips on communicating with their fairer schoolmates, beyond pulling hair and kicking shins. [yahoo]

A lot of people talk about the sensitive kids getting picked on in school, but it’s also important to note that they usually deserve it. Anyway, I know I and probably you got really angry about a nine-year-old writing a self-help book the first time I reported on this, but we should consider that his competition is Oprah and Dr. Phil.  Dr. Phil is 300 pounds and writes diet books.  No way either of those two tubbies reasons at higher than a fourth-grade level.

*I mean, I’m assuming.  Can we just agree that it sounds best like this?

Fox (who else) is set to adapt How to Talk to Girls, a 46-page self-help book written by 9-year-old Colorado-an Alec Greven.

Greven wrote “Girls” as a handwritten, $3 pamphlet sold at his school book fair; he wrote it after he noticed his peers were having some trouble talking to the ladies, though the book is geared for all ages. Among this advice: Comb your hair and don’t wear sweats; control your hyperness and cut down on sugar if necessary; a crush is like a love disease that can drive you mad; it is easy to spot pretty girls because they have big earrings, fancy dresses and all the jewelry but are like cars that need a lot of oil. [Yahoo/THR]

The precocious child is easily the most annoying pop culture cliché of all time.  It exists only insofar as some kid has figured out how to manipulate gullible adults into getting a you’re so cute! pat on the head. Yeah that’s great, keep encouraging him in all his annoying habits for the few years they’re still cute, that’ll do wonders for his development.

See, when the other 9-year-olds were out eating bugs and farting on each other, they were really just lost souls in need of some sage advice about not wearing sweatpants.  Oh boy, now we can talk to girls, they’ll say! But wait, how do we trick them into touching dog poop?