"And don't EVER, let them play with my cars."

It should come as no surprise to anyone that Legendary Pictures and Mattel want to make a Hot Wheels movie.  There’ve already been plans to adapt Candyland, Ouija Boards, Battleship (with a $200 million budget), View-Finder, Bazooka Joe, and a dump Jerry Bruckheimer once took that looked like a pigeon, so wanting to make a movie that Pixar already made twice isn’t exactly a shocker. The big question is, which moronic movie producer adjective will they use to describe it? Dark? Gritty? Edgy? Contemporary? In the vein of the 300?

Interest in a Hot Wheels movie is revving up again, with Legendary Entertainment in early negotiations with Mattel to acquire film rights to the popular toy car line.
The deal would keep the project parked at Warner Bros., where Legendary is based.
No director or writers have yet been hired, but the potential pic is not targeted at the kids who buy Hot Wheels. Instead, the plan is to produce an edgier pic along the lines of Universal’s box office success “Fast Five.” [Variety]

Collect your prize, people who had “edgy” in the idiot producer-speak poll (I probably shouldn’t have spoiled this in the headline).  Interesting that they’re targeting the Fast Five audience rather than kids who buy Hot Wheels.  I guess it makes sense.  Adults who buy Hot Wheels probably have more disposable income.  What with the disability checks and such.
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A big reason that a lot of movies suck nowadays is that instead starting with a good original screenplay, some guy who markets toys or video games for a living hires a writer and says, “Make this a movie,” and then hands him the dumbest f-cking idea in the history of the world.  “I want you to do Tarzan, but if I see that f-cker swinging from trees, you’re fired.”  Furthering this tradition is Mattel’s plan to do a Hot Wheels movie, even though someone already made it and it was called, you know, CARS.

With Hot Wheels, “there’s a huge scope of what you can do,” Waldo says. “It’s a billion-dollar brand for us. We want to continue making it relevant for kids.”
Mattel has been considering everything from concepts influenced by films like “Mad Max” and “Fast and the Furious” for the actioner. Despite the fact that Hot Wheels is about cool cars, it won’t be trying to turn them into characters.
“We won’t have the cars talk,” Waldo says. “That would be off brand position for us. It won’t be another ‘Knight Rider,’ I promise that.” [Variety]

Oh, thank goodness.  Wouldn’t want to go off brand position (which is missionary anal, in case you were wondering).  Okay, so the cars don’t talk… Can they dance?  Could they rap?  Maybe they adopt a puppy?   Look, you gotta give me something to work with here, so far all we’ve got is Speed Racer.