(“I’ve been working on my tough-guy look in the mirror at Hot Topic”)

Dimension has hired Rob Zombie to direct a remake of The Blob, and why not?  A monkey with d’cks for hands could direct a horror remake.  (Plus, it’d probably be good in bed – Rawr.)

Zombie’s deal to make “The Blob” his next film comes as Dimension opens “Halloween II,” the Zombie-directed sequel to his 2007 hit “Halloween.”

In the original “Blob,” an object from space crashes into a field, containing a red blob-like substance that absorbs the humans it contacts and grows exponentially. While Zombie was a fan of the original, he’s formulated a decidedly different take that he would not reveal.

“My intention is not to have a big red blobby thing — that’s the first thing I want to change,” Zombie said. “That gigantic Jello-looking thing might have been scary to audiences in the 1950s, but people would laugh now.” [See also: your clothes. -Ed]

“I’d been looking to break out of the horror genre, and this really is a science fiction movie about a thing from outer space,” Zombie said. “I intend to make it scary, and the great thing is I have the freedom once again to take it in any crazy direction I want to.” [Variety]

Horror films are cheap to make, always earn money for some reason, and are the easiest thing in the world to write, so I understand why these things get greenlit.  The only thing that keeps me going is hearing the people who don’t really believe in the product having to put a positive spin on it in interviews, and then end up saying ridiculous sh’t like “I wanted to stop making horror films so I decided to direct The Blob.”   Ha, good one, Rob, I wanted to write that down but I was too busy pantomiming this blow job.

(Uh, we’re here for the gangbang?)

THR today reports that Mike Fleiss, the reality TV producer behind such shows as There Goes the Neighborhood and More to Love (yes, it’s The Bachelor for chubby chasers) is starting a production company (Next Films) and moving into films.  His first project?  A Black Sabbath movie.  But don’t start headbanging just yet…

The outfit already is developing several projects, including “Black Sabbath,” a horror movie franchise.  Next has signed a deal with guitarist-songwriter Tony Iommi — a founding member of the British heavy metal band — for the films, which won’t be about the group but will use the title as a jumping-off point. Iommi also will score the movies.  (Iommi has sole ownership of the Black Sabbath name, but that is being challenged by former frontman Ozzy Osbourne, who filed a suit in May seeking a 50% stake in the Black Sabbath trademark.)

So basically, they just thought “Black Sabbath” would be a great name for a horror movie.  And now all they have to do is write it.  Why hasn’t anyone thought of this before?  How much better would the Final Destination movies be if they were called Megadeth, or Saw if it was called Slayer?  And every zombie movie could be called Cannibal Corpse.  This dipsh*t is a genius.

From the director of the flipper-handed remake of Prom Night comes another remake, of The Stepfather.  It stars not Steve Gutenberg and Penn “I swear my parents gave me this gay-ass name” Badgley in film about oh Christ if you can’t already predict the entire plot the only thing you should be doing on the internet is buying a drool catcher.  Was this plot really that complicated that it had to be a remake?  “What if your stepdad… was evil?”  THAT’S THE ENTIRE MOVIE.  My only hope is that this is all a ruse to sell popcorn that makes you sterile.

RELATED ASYLUM POLL: What’s the most unnecessary horror film remake?

Elisabeth Shüe, whose name I insist on spelling with an umlaut, is doing great. And by “great” I mean “starring in a movie called PIRANHA 3D!” (actual title doesn’t have caps or an exclamation point, I just thought it was warranted).

Look, I understand remaking Scarface (the 1932 version) or The Manchurian Candidate, but honestly, how long do you think it took the filmmakers to come up with the original Piranha?  Even in a weed-induced coma it couldn’t be more than 20 minutes.  Would it be that hard to come up with a new concept?  “Killer _____s in 3D!”  And the blank can be ANY NOUN.  It would be just as good as this.  …Except for “lab puppies”, ’cause I would try to wrestle the screen and make it give me kisses.  Haha, I love you, Patches.

UPDATE: I now realize it’s spelled “Elisabeth” (thanks, Donkey Hodey).  You’ve screwed me again, English spellings!

“Hell day” on FilmDrunk continues with this new poster for Sam Raimi’s Drag Me to Hell (which actually looks like it could be decent). I like the tagline – it’s very versatile.  You can tell it’s not a comedy because of all the flames, but slap that same pitch on a poster of Larry the Cable Guy and his estranged city-slicker daughter who gets stuck with him on a fishin trip?  You’d be prepared for hijinks.

[via shocktillyoudrop]