Ugh, Kailey was the worst prom date ever.

When it comes to his career as a writer and director of horror films, Rob Zombie has received his fair share of both positive and negative reviews. But somewhere in my brain, there’s a 16-year old loser watching Beavis and Butthead rave about White Zombie’s “Thunder Kiss 65”, so I’m always going to be fond of the 47-year old purveyor of the macabre. Also, The Devil’s Rejects was pretty great.

Fortunately, Zombie is back to making his unique brand of horror films – as opposed to studio retreads like Halloween – with The Lords of Salem, which takes us back to the era of heavy metal as a link to Satan, or the good old days, as I call it. A new teaser trailer for Lords has hit the web and it looks… freaky as all hell. It has witches being burned at the stake, freaks licking babies and a hot girl riding a ram.

Basically, it was made by Rob Zombie.

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This is one of those magic eye pictures, right? Gonna keep staring just in case.

As we’ve learned, all horror movies are either about a haunted house or a creepy kid. After the jump, I’ve got the trailer for House at the End of the Street. Try to guess what that one’s about! Trick question! It’s about a house being haunted BY a creepy kid. But it does have Jennifer Lawrence all tarted up and stuffed into a dirty wifebeater, so there’s that. If I was 13 and didn’t have access to stump porn, I tell ya, this moving picture would be the bee’s knees.

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Last night, Austin’s Fantastic Fest kicked off a week of honoring “horror, fantasy, sci-fi, action and just plain fantastic movies” with the opening night party, and the highlight of the evening was the debut of The Human Centipede 2. To show proper respect to the sequel to Tom Six’s 2010 horror tale of a mad doctor’s fetish for ass-to-mouth, the people at Fantastic Fest even organized the world’s largest Human Centipede Conga line. They clearly didn’t make it to my Bar Mitzvah.

But for those of us who couldn’t make it to Texas last night, all we have for now is the film’s new poster, which is, of course, not exactly theater-friendly. Check out the poster after the jump, as well as a patron-friendly alternative created by one unique theatre.

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After the jump, you can watch the trailer for The Silent House, a 79-minute, horror film from director Gustavo Hernandez, which premiered at the 2010 Cannes Film Festival.  It was shot entirely in one, continuous, 79-minute single take.  Intriguing, sure, but if you’ve read my reviews of Buried or 127 Hours, you know how I feel about filmmakers putting excessive, artificial restraints on themselves as a gimmick to prove how awesome they are.  I mean yes, It’ll help you stand out at the film festival, but it’s a little like proving what a great boxer you are by not using your hands.  Oh, you built me a log cabin using only a butter knife and a stale baguette?  That’s neat, I’m just not sure I want to live there.

A 79-minute, single-shot film… wouldn’t that be called a play?  Don’t get lazy on us, edit that sh*t.

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After the jump, I’ve got some new clips from Tucker and Dale vs. Evil, a new horror comedy starring Alan Tudyk that looks a little like Cabin Fever.  Only this time, it’s told from the hillbillies’ perspective, who can’t figure out why all these college kids came out to the woods to terrorize them and die accidentally.  It looks pretty funny, and I should have a review for you next week, my too-hot-for-Sundance-press-credentials status notwithstanding.  At the very least, I hope it gets picked up for distribution and makes lots of money so Alan Tudyk won’t have to do cell phone commercials anymore.  Wait, I just looked it up and it turns out it’s actually just a DirecTV commercial in which he watches TV on a cell phone.  Phew.  Last thing we need is another Luke Wilson.  Have you heard?  AT&T’s new 3G network allows him to eat two sandwiches at the same time.

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