Ashton Kutcher celebrated the debut of his film No Strings Attached last weekend with a YouTube performance of a song that he wrote with his 19-year old stepsister Scout Willis, who is the daughter of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore. Wait, my bad, Scout is Ashton’s stepdaughter. I always mix that up because the former is fine and the latter is f*cking creepy.

And while No Strings Attached prevailed at the box office to the tune of $20 million with the mere technicality that no other movies of note were released, Kutcher ain’t gonna be winning any awards for this performance of their song, “My Sober.”

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With all the attention people have been giving to the Spider-man musical, the NASCAR of Broadway,  and its endless police blotter of entertaining mishaps, people seem to have forgotten about the Green Day musical, American Idiot.  But not to worry, the producers have a plan to make it relevant again.  And that plan is Melissa Etheridge, perhaps the number one lesbian folk-pop artist of 1994.

Come to my window, Broadway.com.  I’ll be home…

Grammy winner Melissa Etheridge will be the latest rocker to step into the shoes of American Idiot’s sinister drug dealer, St. Jimmy. Etheridge will take over the role for one week only from February 1 through February 6, while the show’s current St. Jimmy, Green Day front man and show composer Billie Joe Armstrong, briefly departs the production.

“Billie Joe and I always believed that it would be incredible to have a woman take on the role of St. Jimmy,” Idiot’s director Michael Mayer said in a statement. “This character is seductive, thrilling and dangerous. Melissa Etheridge is all that and so much more. She’s a rock icon and we couldn’t be more thrilled that she’s bringing her immense talent to American Idiot.”

So next time someone asks me if I want to go see the Green Day musical, I can be like, “Screw that, I’m not sitting through the rape of my childhood.  I’m going to see that Spider-man play with music by U2.”

A thrilling, dangerous seductress

Focus Features released some new stills and TV spots for the upcoming Channing Tatum film, The Eagle. And you can look at the pictures and you can watch the TV spots, but that’s not going to help the pain go away. What pain, you ask? Channing Tatum was named only the second most desirable male body this week, behind The Fighter star Mark Wahlberg. Our beloved Channing beat out male model and “actor” Tyson Beckford, according to the 14th Annual Famed Hottest Look Survey, but that’s just not enough for the Hardest Twerkin’ Man in Show Biznasty. As always, C-Tates was willing to stop by and share his thoughts, but he’s just not himself today…

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Here’s me talking Gone With the Pope on The Grid.  The hardest part was getting my hair to look even gayer than normal.  But hey, I’m a professional.

MORNING LINKS

Burnsy picks the best sports moments of 2010, his nose. |WithLeather|

2010: Year of the Meme. |Uproxx|

Sexy Star Wars Pinups: Are they traps? |GammaSquad|

LOL NFL, Week 17. |KSK|

Toni Braxton is posin’ nude. |SmokingSection|

Guy who talks complete nonsense is more entertaining than it should be. |TheDailyWhat|

(*clears throat*) SNAKE RAPE! |BostonBarstoolSports|

This guy gets an F in motorcycling. |GorillaMask|

Dawson reacts to photos of Snooki. |HolyTaco|

The worst moments of the People’s Choice Awards. |ScreenJunkies|

Seven Terrifying and Supposedly Real Exorcism Videos |TheSmokingJacket|

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USA Today just released the first picture from 5 5ast 5 5urious, aka Fast Five, starring Vin Diesel and The Rock. If I had to pick just one favorite thing about it, it would probably be that it totally doesn’t look gay at all.  Nope, just two greased-up, hairless straight dudes, hangin’ out in tight shirts and lookin’ ripped, as we do.  I wonder what they’re saying.

“What’s that on your face?”

“It’s a goatee.  You should try it some time.”

“Fine. Maybe I will.”

“You think that’s hot, I got a beard back at the house.”

—

“You gonna spot me, bro?”

“Oh I’ll spot you.”

“You better.”

“I will.  But not before you put on some baby oil.  Your skin looks dry. And what is that, arm pit hair?  Pathetic.  You could be looking so much more ripped right now, bro. If only you weren’t such a looothe cannon.”

“Was that a lisp?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

They should’ve gotten John Travolta for this.

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