Today we have some brand new footage from Marvel’s Captain America: First Avenger, courtesy of Entertainment Tonight.  As this new clip illustrates, Captain America tells the quintessentially American story — boy grows up a spindly pussy, boy gets shot full of performance-enhancing drugs, boy becomes man, man kills Hitler.  It’s the American dream.  It personifies our own country’s journey, from upstart twink to jacked power top.  But even more so than the story, something about it seemed familiar…

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Oh sweet baby Jesus, this is terrifying news.  Hollywood Reporter today is reporting that Tom Cruise is in final negotiations to star in the film adaptation of the Broadway musical Rock of Ages for director Adam Shankman (Shankman is the guy who was once moved to tears by So You Think You Can Dance, by the way).  If you’ll recall, the last time a totally-not-gay Scientologist starred in an Adam Shankman musical, it looked something like this:

OH GOD, KILL IT WITH FIRE

(*climbs down off pink unicorn, adjusts leather thong, finishes tongue kissing Anderson Cooper, pauses season finale of Glee*) Hoo boy, this sounds gay.

Tom Cruise is in final negotiations to co-star in Rock of Ages, New Line’s adaptation of the hit stage musical about 1980s rockers.  The actor will play Stacee Jaxx, the arrogant and charming star at the top of his career. Jaxx sings Bon Jovi’s “Wanted Dead of Alive” in the theater production. [THR]

Shankman, who in addition to Hairspray is also the director behind The Pacifier and Cheaper by the Dozen 2, once described Rock of Ages as ‘like Mamma Mia for dudes.’  And as a dude myself, I can totally see the appeal of watching other dudes prance about in spandex singing glam rock songs.   I just worry whether a straight-shooter like Tom Cruise understands what he’s getting himself into.  “Oh sure, I like musical theater.  As long as there are no gays in ther– MOTHER OF GOD!”

While researching this story, I found this. I thought you should see it.

I saw a batch of these new set pictures from the Marc Webb Spider-Man reboot on Durden this morning, but I didn’t really think anything of them.  I figured it was just a stunt double in there practicing for action sequences.  Turns out, no, that’s actually Andrew Garfield (Scarfield) inside the suit.

Hey, uh… so what exactly was the plan here?  Because so far, it looks like they took the most waifish actor they could find, stuck him in skintight spandex with no underpants, and drew a big red arrow toward his junk.  Who’s directing this again, Lou Perlman?

[popsugar]

Ashton Kutcher celebrated the debut of his film No Strings Attached last weekend with a YouTube performance of a song that he wrote with his 19-year old stepsister Scout Willis, who is the daughter of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore. Wait, my bad, Scout is Ashton’s stepdaughter. I always mix that up because the former is fine and the latter is f*cking creepy.

And while No Strings Attached prevailed at the box office to the tune of $20 million with the mere technicality that no other movies of note were released, Kutcher ain’t gonna be winning any awards for this performance of their song, “My Sober.”

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With all the attention people have been giving to the Spider-man musical, the NASCAR of Broadway,  and its endless police blotter of entertaining mishaps, people seem to have forgotten about the Green Day musical, American Idiot.  But not to worry, the producers have a plan to make it relevant again.  And that plan is Melissa Etheridge, perhaps the number one lesbian folk-pop artist of 1994.

Come to my window, Broadway.com.  I’ll be home…

Grammy winner Melissa Etheridge will be the latest rocker to step into the shoes of American Idiot’s sinister drug dealer, St. Jimmy. Etheridge will take over the role for one week only from February 1 through February 6, while the show’s current St. Jimmy, Green Day front man and show composer Billie Joe Armstrong, briefly departs the production.

“Billie Joe and I always believed that it would be incredible to have a woman take on the role of St. Jimmy,” Idiot’s director Michael Mayer said in a statement. “This character is seductive, thrilling and dangerous. Melissa Etheridge is all that and so much more. She’s a rock icon and we couldn’t be more thrilled that she’s bringing her immense talent to American Idiot.”

So next time someone asks me if I want to go see the Green Day musical, I can be like, “Screw that, I’m not sitting through the rape of my childhood.  I’m going to see that Spider-man play with music by U2.”

A thrilling, dangerous seductress