It’s strange how little we’ve heard from Haley Joel Osment since he was the next big thing back in the late 90s. Even Frankie Muniz’s name would occasionally be in the news when he was Twitter-beefing with Shia LaBeouf (and who could forget the infamous Muniz-Labeouf Twitter beef of 2010? Certainly not me!), but Haley Joel? Hardly a peep! Well now he’s back, and by back, I mean starring in the kind of indie movies he has been for the past few years now, but this time as a flamboyant gay man in a film called “Sassy Pants.” See? That’s how you get the public’s attention.
Last night, Apple released the new trailer for Clint Eastwood’s J. Edgar, which will hopefully be awesome like Gran Torino and Mystic River and not sh*tty like Invictus and Changeling. Leonardo DiCaprio stars as the (snicker) titular J. Edgar Hoover, alongside Naomi Watts, Judi Dench, and Armie Hammer. Oh, poor J. Edgar Hoover. The guy practically invents modern law enforcement as we know it, spearheading fingerprint databases and the kind of forensic science that would eventually become the basis for countless terrible Jerry Bruckheimer TV shows, and here all I can do is make cheap gay jokes because he maybe liked to cross dress and had a manservant. But honestly, what am I supposed to say when the lynchpin line is “I want you to be my number two man,”? Especially when he says it to Armie Hammer while he’s making this face:
"I desperately want to be your number two man."
I couldn’t have come up with a better euphemism myself. Well, okay, maybe, “Mr. Tolson? I’d like for you to work tirelessly underneath me.”
Anyway, in addition to the gay stuff, I hope we finally get to see some hot Eleanor Roosevelt lesbo action. It’s been hinted at for too long, I want to see the old broad strap it on.
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We went back to our roots on this week’s Frotcast, starting things off with a Burnsy’s Corner, and wrapping them up with a Lindy Explains the Plot (Conan/Lifetime Movie of the Week Edition). Other topics include Jim Carrey, Steve Jobs, Germans’ obsession with poop, and a four-way impromptu fart-beatboxing (fartboxing) song we accidentally made when we didn’t realize we were recording.
AFTER THE JUMP: A must-see video for this week’s song of the week. It’s so gay it makes Schmitt’s Gay look like… football. Ultimate fighting. No, lumberjacks. Dammit, what things are legitimately straight? It seems like everything that’s excessively hetero is ultimately kinda gay. That’s my excuse.
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Reader Paul sent in this mash-up, which he calls “Broments in Love.” Watching it, all I could think was, “Jesus, Rocky III is the gayest movie of all time.” That is Rocky III, right? I get them confused. Also pretty gay: the fact that there was one awesomely homoerotic movie moment that would’ve ruined my day had it not been included. See if you can guess which it is.
MORNING LINKS Kate Upton, Erin Andrews, and the Best of the MLB Celebrity Softball Game |With Leather|
Fun with GIFS: Let’s Name These TV Reporters’ O-Faces. By new Uproxx writer, Dustin Rowles, Pajiba’s chief NERD. |UPROXX|
Listen to us talk Transformers 3 and play the UFC special skills game with Pauly. |Frotcast|
Kenny Powers is the new K-Swiss CEO. I’m assuming you’ve seen this video by now. |Warming Glow|
Live Action Cardboard Robocop? Live Action Cardboard Robocop. |Gamma Squad|
If you had assumed that the website “GreenLanternDC.com” went to the official site for the movie Green Lantern, the Warner Bros production of the DC comic, you’d be wrong. Because it actually goes to Green Lantern DC, a gay bar in Washington DC. You know, the place with bars on the windows, that’s downstairs from The Toolshed. They offer a myriad of exciting promotions and drink specials, such as “bears do yoga”, underwear party, and shirtless men drink free. Aw. I wish FilmDrunk headquarters was in DC, instead of crummy old non-gay San Francisco. (*kicks empty can, faint sound of house music*) … (*ntz*) (*ntz*) (*ntz*) (*ntz*) (*ntz*) (*ntz*)…
The Green Lantern has undergone a transcendental rebirth. The original Green Lantern, which closed July 1999, was a small, dark bar, with black spray paint over the windows and a less-than-elegant atmosphere. Now, a bright paint job, a new ventilation system and friendly staff [and new upholstery, hopefully -Ed.] have given the old place a new attitude. Owner Greg Z. wanted to open a club that was an alternative to the established gay venues around the 17th and P Street scene, one where regular guys could meet in a casual, clean, and fun spot.
The central bar that sits square in the middle of the first floor is designed for a small crowd to engage in conversation. The modified space also allows patrons to, as one regular remarked, “casually cruise and be cruised.”
Directly upstairs from the Green Lantern is the Toolshed, which caters to the “bear crowd” — rugged lumberjack types, although flannel is optional. [GreenLanternDC]
Don’t patronize me, block quote, I think I’m WELL aware what a “bear” is. So why is the bar called The Green Lantern, you ask? Well because it’s the gayest superhero, of course. You might think Superman is the gayest, because he wears a red cape and his underwear on the outside of his leotard. Or Spider-Man, because he’s always running around the city in a spandex onesie, shooting his webbing on the baddest of bad boys. But The Green Lantern’s prized possession is a gaudy ring, which he won for going face-to-face with a purple-headed alien without showing fear. That’s not an origin story, it’s Boy Scout Camp.
[Thanks to Jon Brown for the tip. Boy does that sound like a euphemism all of a sudden.]
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