I see Iron Man 3 tonight, fully prepared for Shane Black to explode my balls out my asshole with hand rockets, while Robert Downey Jr. melts my face off with the heat generated by his powerful hip thrusts (preferably as he looks at the camera and shouts “I’M ROBERT DOWNEY!”). But that doesn’t mean I’m going to forget Iron Man 2, the The Hobbit of Marvel movies, in which nothing much transpired except money leaving my wallet (well, not my wallet, I don’t pay for these things anymore). Though Mickey Rourke did have a parrot, which was worth at least a third of full-priced admission.

Here, the boys from ScreenJunkies, with the help of their Laotian power bottom, Frito, provide us with the “honest trailer for Iron Man 2,” the necessary check on your too-high expectations for Iron Man 3.

“Suit up, for the feature-length version of the Nick Fury bonus scene from the end of the first Iron Man.”

Nailed it.

Though if Iron Man 3 could borrow one thing from Iron Man 2…

[via Screen Junkies]

MORNING LINKS
Terrence Howard praises Oprah’s ‘Tig Ol’ Bitties’ |Film Drunk|

Mr. Legel Goes to Washington |Frotcast|

How Bill Murray Should Appear In Your Favorite (And Least Favorite) TV Shows |Warming Glow|

Lil’ Lebowski [via Tastefully Offensive]

Howard Stern’s Interview With Alex Jones Was A Rollicking Crazy Train Wreck |UPROXX|

Michelle Jenneke’s Busted Hamstring Is Doing Wonders For Her Instagram |With Leather|

Want To Watch Gary Busey Explaining (And Rapping) About Hobbits? Yes, Of Course You Do |Gamma Squad|

10 Instances Of Ludacris’ Girlfriend Eudoxie Looking Gloriously Thick |Smoking Section|

Gruden Talk: Jon and Herm Discuss the Sequester With Former White House Chief of Staff Erskine Bowles |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

The 39 Hottest Eva Mendes Pictures of All Time |Ranker|

MS paint artist that will draw just about anything you ask for |theChive|

9 Historical Methods for Determining the Sex of an Unborn Baby |Mental Floss|

Body Slamming The Multiplex: The Future of WWE Films |Film.com|

Choking on the Splinters – Taking stock of Beck’s career 20 years after ”Loser” |Grantland|

Olivia Wilde Has Some Friendly Advice For Justin Bieber |IDLYITW|

Girl Wedgies Herself Climbing Fence At Blink 182 Show |HuffPost Comedy|

Reporter Spends Entire Interview Macking on Mila Kunis |NextMovie|

The 8 Hardest Unimportant Decisions You’ll Have to Make |College Humor|

Average Party |Holy Taco|

Jeffrey Tambor Shares Eight Behind-the-Scenes Stories From The Larry Sanders Show |Vulture|

Oh Shut Up, Taylor Swift |Videogum|

The Terrible Karate Supercut |Clip Nation|

Miss Teen Delaware Only Made $1,500 For The Porn That Everybody’s Seen At Least Once Now |The Superficial|

Celebs Caught Gawking At Girls |Giant Life|

Ron Swanson’s On the Cover of Paste |Pajiba|

World’s Strongest Man Competitor Cannot Complete the Atlas Stones Event, Boulder Crushes Him |Brobible|

Bad Lip Reading: Peter & Gwen |High Definite|

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[via Screen Junkies]

MORNING LINKS
Kai the Hitchhiker got that surfboard and wetsuit he wanted |Film Drunk|

UPROXX Video: A Five-Second Films Compilation Reminder That LOVE SUCKS |UPROXX|

Drop the Bass Redux [via Fck Yeah Dementia]

15 Life Lessons Learned In Valentine’s Day Episodes |Warming Glow|

Michelle Jenneke Made A Swimsuit Video For Sports Illustrated |With Leather|

The Hobbit Hole Cat Litter Box Is Too Precious For Words |Gamma Squad|

10 Ice Cube Songs Everyone Should Know |Smoking Section|

This Week in F–k You: Twitter Reaction Posts |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

Those dresses never looked happier |theChive|

19 Things You Might Not Know About Fleetwood Mac |Buzzfeed|

Which Series Of Fantasy Films Has The Best Cast? |Film.com|

Things To Say During Sex |HuffPost Comedy|

If Movie Franchises Kept Going (and Going, and Going) |NextMovie|

A Tribute to Every Best Picture Winner |Mental Floss|

Goats Yelling Like Humans |Clip Nation|

Sixteen “true story” film characters that are as genuine as your Canadian girlfriend |Fark|

Adele Allegedly Yelled At Chris Brown At The Grammys |IDLYITW|

How To F*ck All Romantic |College Humor|

Bruce Willis Receives France’s Highest Cultural Honor, Obviously |Videogum|

Woodbury’s Unlikeliest Resident |Unreality|

Dammit, Who Told Madonna About Instagram? |The Superficial|

If You Had to Watch One of these 12 Films, Which Would You Choose Based Only on the Movie Poster? |Pajiba|

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ScreenJunkies usually time their Honest Trailer series to coincide with the release of a film on DVD, but I don’t think Indiana Jones & the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull released anything today and I’m too lazy to look it up, so I like to imagine they just saw some low-hanging fruit rotting on the vine and decided to take a baseball bat to it. I’m fine with that. I could’ve done without the Karen Allen disses. Ha, she looks less good than when she was an ingenue 30 years ago! What a stupid bitch!  But as always, they make some great points, even about an often-parodied movie. The sound effects, the gophers, the constant reminders of Indy’s age – and worst of all, the CGI shots. I’d honestly forgotten how bad most of those were.

But again with the Nuke the Fridge thing. People, people: I know “nuke the fridge” sounds catchy to say, but nuking the fridge wasn’t even in the top 10 worst things about that movie. Unrealistic, of course, but at least it was kind of creative. The waterfall sequence was a thousand times worse, as was the monkey army, as was LeBeef not being able to find Indy a rope when he was stuck in quicksand and then throwing him a giant snake instead. My God, there’s so much wrong with that sequence, I don’t even know where to begin. And even that’s assuming I skip over the part where they thought their movie needed a quicksand scene. I choose to remember the eighties as an entire decade of people stepping in quicksand and complaining about anchovies on pizza. What were we talking about again? Oh right, Indiana Jones. Years from now, the question of which is the worst scene in this terrible movie full of bad scenes will be the subject of much heated debate among historians. Guys with weird hair on the History Channel will claim Spielberg and Lucas couldn’t possibly have made a movie so bad without having been possessed by aliens. “Do you have any proof that they weren’t possessed by aliens? What other explanation could there be? Can there be any doubt that the sucking on display was other-worldly?”

[via Screen Junkies]

MORNING LINKS
Truth, Justice, Beards: Man of Steel has a new trailer |Film Drunk|

Come see Vince, Matt Louv and others riff on horror films this Friday |Fresh Like Cadaver|

This needs to happen. [via RoboShark]

Each Season Of ‘Breaking Bad’ Opening Credits Redone In The Style Of ‘The Wire’ |UPROXX|

Watch Bill Hader And Fred Armisen Lose Their Sh*t In Hilarious Unaired ‘SNL’ Sketch |Warming Glow|

Marisa Miller Wants To Remind Us That She’s Still Pregnant And Naked |With Leather|

Nic Cage Is Every Hobbit Character, And We Couldn’t Be Happier About It |Gamma Squad|

10 DMX Songs Everyone Should Know |Smoking Section|

Gruden Talk: Jon Discusses the Israel-Palestine Conflict with Salman Rushdie |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

This is Zoe’s story |theChive|

45 Most Important Lessons We Learned In 2012 |Buzzfeed|

Anne Hathaway Will Premiere A Movie Until Someone Sees Her Vagina |The Superficial|

12 Horrible Gobbledygook Words We Reluctantly Accepted |Mental Floss|

Ass on the Internet |Holy Taco|

Will Ferrell: Cover Model |HuffPost|

Hayden Panettiere Is Single |IDLYITW|

Seven planets humans might move to once we’ve finished wrecking this one |Fark|

Probably Not The Worst Thing “Burrito Surprise” Could Mean, Honestly |Videogum|

8 Positions for Sex at Your Parents’ Place |College Humor|

The 2012 “As Seen on TV” Gift Guide |Clip Nation|

Island in the Sun: 11 Movies About Islands|Pajiba|

5 Less Obvious Christmas Movies |Unreality|

The 10 Rising Stars and Breakout Pop Culture Bros of 2012 |Brobible|

Burrito Bomber: Drone-Delivered Burritos |High Definite|

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