Noooooooooo!

We haven’t talked about him in a while, but to refresh your memory, Uwe Boll is the angry German film director who not too long ago inspired an online petition to stop him from making movies.  While I thought it was kind of mean for people to pile on like that (though my offer to fight him still stands), it’s certainly true that Uwe Boll’s movies do suck.  That’s why I’m excited to see him tackle the subject of the Holocaust in his new film, Auschwitz, which promises to be the most awesomely tasteless thing since something something Mel Gibson.

The teaser is after the jump, and it features, yes, Uwe Boll himself playing an SS officer standing guard outside a room as Jews are gassed and their bodies fed into an oven (had you heard? they did the gassing and the burning in the same room).  It sort of reminds me of something something party at Mel Gibson’s house.

“It’s in the tradition of my movies Stoic, Darfur, Rampage, Tunnelrats, Heart of America…it shows Auschwitz as this what it was: a meatplant for humans…a death factory.” [Twitch]

Well sure, who could forget those movies that I’ve never heard of?  Wait, wait, something’s coming back to me… Oh right, Darfur. That was the one starring Billy Zane with the typo in the trailer, right?  I remember now.  Anyway, my favorite part of the teaser is the “NEVER FORGET” title card, as if with the 200 holocaust movies that come out every year it was about to slip our minds until the dude from Bloodrayne came along.  I mean, come on!  That SS guard didn’t even look dyslexic. Where is the art?!

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"Come and give bubbe a kiss."

Here’s Sean Penn on the Dublin set of This Must Be the Place. At first I thought he was playing the role of the world’s ugliest Jewish grandma, but then I realized he wasn’t wearing nearly enough jewelry.

Sean plays a retired rock star who puts on his Detective La Toya monocle to track down the Nazi war criminal responsible for torturing his father at Auschwitz. [DListed]

I think these are the pictures your doctor keeps handy in case your boner pills give you one of them four-hour erections.

(Brit’s interpretation of the Battle of Thermopylae)

So the source for this story is the National Ledger, and I’m not familiar enough with them to know if they’re reliable, but the story was too good not to report.  They say Britney Spears has been offered a role in The Yellow Star of Sophia and Eton.  Yes, that kind of yellow star.

If she accepts the role, Britney will reportedly play the main role of Sophia LaMont, who creates a time machine and travels back to World War II where she meets a Jewish man called Eton at a concentration camp. They then fall in love and travel back to the present day with the intention of getting married but they are both killed by Nazis. [NL]

Jeez, guys, tell us the ending why don’t you.  So basically, it’s like Where the Red Fern Grows but with Jews instead of coon hounds, and with time traveling Nazis*.  But otherwise exactly the same.   Britney was reportedly intrigued by the idea of a “concentration camp,” but she’ll probably be really sad when she finds out what it is.

*Dear Hollywood: If you made half as many time traveling Nazi movies as you did zombie movies, the world would be a better place.

With Valkyrie (trailer, review), The Reader, Adam Resurrected (“the story of a man who once was a dog who meets a dog who once was a boy.”), Defiance, Good, and The Boy in the Striped Pajamas all hitting theaters and making headlines around the same time, it’s hard to know just which holocaust movie to see when you really need to masturbate never forget important historical epochs.  Luckily, NY Mag has put together this handy flow chart.  Click here for the answers.  I’m a little disappointed they didn’t mention Defiance‘s ridiculous Dracula accents.  I mean, I hate Nazis as much as the next guy, but don’t make me choose between them and vampires.