It’s common knowledge at this point that when you’re a big star, companies will knife fight each other for the right to be the first to give you free crap. And I’m not using “crap” here simply as a synonym for stuff, I mean that most of the stuff, even if supposedly expensive, actually sounds kind of crappy. Even if you’re not a big star, you can actually sign yourself up to receive all kinds of promotional stuff like this, depending on your demo. I was signed up to something called “BarkBox” a while back, where they send you dog toys and treats and dog-related stuff. One of the more memorable items was “flourless cake mix for dogs.” You know, in case you want to spend a Sunday baking a cake for your dog, which wouldn’t be sad at all.

With that in mind, lets take a look at what’s inside the gift bag for the 2013 Oscars, shall we?

…a goody bag, worth some $45,000.

Last year’s was worth $60,000. THANKS, OBAMA.

US marketing firm Distinctive Assets will deliver them directly to the homes of Oscar contenders who are not lucky enough to carry off a statuette, even though the practice of officially handing out presents to Academy award nominees and presenters was stopped in 2007.
The bags are not endorsed by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences; Ampas stopped its own gift-giving six years ago after the US tax authorities demanded that the recipients declare them and pay tax on them. Distinctive Assets began its own service in 2003.

The bags will contain:

• Trips to Australia, Hawaii and Mexico

• Personal training sessions

• Condoms

• A bottle of tequila

Hopefully it’s that tequila Michael Imperioli endorses, the kind that thinks your tequila is faggy because it doesn’t have a little shot glass in the top. I think for their next commercial, they should go with “No, I said your tequila is NOT alright Spider.”

• Hand-illustrated tennis shoes

Because that’s the first thing actors look for in an athletic shoe, quality of illustration. I mean, it’s not like they’re going to be doing anything athletic in them. That’s what tap shoes and ballet slippers are for.

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If I’ve learned anything in all of these years on this crazy spinning rock, it’s that the Internet is a place of many, many, many, many (a million times more) different tastes, and rather than try to understand them all, I should just accept most of them. That’s why when I fell into a Deviant ART wormhole the other day and ended up browsing through something called “morphs” before taking a strange turn into Fat Hollywood, I just said, “F*ck it” and rolled with it. Pun sort of intended.

I don’t really know how to describe this strange exercise in photoshop other than by pointing at the banner pic of an obese Megan Fox and saying, “That.” Basically, from what I can tell, there are a lot of people out there who appreciate the true beauty of some of Hollywood’s most famous and talented actresses, but they’d prefer them to have a little more meat on their bones.

To each his own is what I say, because life is short and we should enjoy whatever makes us happiest. At least that’s a new philosophy I’m trying to embrace these days. So I gathered some of the morphs and FAToshops (trademark pending) of my favorite gorgeous actresses so that we could all see their beauty from a new, well-rounded perspective.

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"And I was like, Qaplah! Start the BTK van and let's go see the Atari Triology!"

Back in 2008, the book “The Stanley Kubrick Archives” was released as a huge collection of the late director’s interviews, notes and thoughts on his films, as well as interviews with the people who worked with him over the years. One of the more amusing revelations came via Kubrick’s personal assistant, Tony Frewin, who provided a list of his and Kubrick’s “Titles in Search of a Script.”

Basically, they thought up funny movie titles and kept track of them for their amusement, as well as a mockery of Hollywood itself, and obviously that’s something that we should all be able to appreciate. Frewin revealed the entire list with commentary (via Lists of Note):

I MARRIED AN ARMENIAN
(Said matter-of-factly to us by a woman publicist. Stanley thought it a great title for a 1940s-style Warner Bros. musical.)

IF ONLY THE FÜHRER KNEW!
(This was a common saying in Germany in the 1930s whenever something went wrong or somebody did something wrong. Used mockingly with the eyes looking upwards.)

HOT SHEETS
LEG CANDY
LEG MAGIC
FEEL TIGHT
PARTITION MAGIC
(Five vehicles for Sharon Stone. Partition Magic was the name of a software package in the days of DOS that almost allowed you to run two programs concurrently.)

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It brings tears of joy to my eyes any time that I get to see a group of greed-stricken individuals put their differences aside and work together in the hopes of overthrowing a rival group of greed-stricken individuals. In this case, I’m talking about Los Angeles’ biggest entertainment players, all pooling their drug money in an effort to save the iconic Hollywood sign from certain demise. Oh yeah, lest I forget, the true O.G. himself, Hugh Hefner, donated a lump sum of $900,000 to support the cause. Once again cementing his historic title as “the coolest old dude who gets chicks way hotter and younger than I ever could”.

Nearly 140 acres behind the iconic Hollywood sign will be saved from development as the result of donations from some of entertainment’s largest companies and orgs, along with a final $900,000 from Hugh Hefner that closed the gap in the $12.5 million fundraising effort.

“My childhood dreams and fantasies came from the movies, and the images created in Hollywood had a major influence on my life and Playboy,” said Playboy founder Hefner. “As I’ve said before, the Hollywood sign is Hollywood’s Eiffel Tower and I am pleased to help preserve such an important cultural landmark.” [Variety]

Take note that Hefner also previously helped rebuild the Hollywood sign back in 1978, when he held a fundraiser at the Playboy Mansion and auctioned off individual letters from the sign for $27,700 a piece. So class, what has today’s history lesson helped us all anticipate for the future? That’s right, in another forty-two years, Hollywood will be relying on the cryogenically frozen head and penis of Hugh Hefner to rescue its sign.

-Chodin