Drop your c0cks and grab your smocks, folks, for today I come to you bearing VERY IMPORTANT NEWS. It turns out Joel Schumacher (Good ol’ Schu), the man who put nipples on the bat suit, is attached to a new project.  And I don’t think it’s hyperbole to say that it could potentially be the BLOCKBUSTER TENT POLE OF NEXT SUMMER. Quoth the nerds of Pajiba:

Joel Schumacher has apparently signed on to The Barry White Story, according to The Hollywood Cog [Pajiba's source for studio scoops]. It’s not what you think (a Barry White biopic). It’s much, much, much worse. The pitch, which comes out of the Hollywood Gangs Production company, is in the vein of SHE’S OUT OF MY LEAGUE, and it’s about the ghost of Barry White teaching some loser kid how to channel him to get a girl.

Oh hell yes!  The hip-black-guy-teaches-dorky-white-guy-to-loosen-up gag literally NEVER GETS OLD. (And when white people dial a phone, they be all like “Beep bop boop beeeep…”)  Although I must admit that as far as movies based on Hitch go, this sounds a lot like the upcoming Kevin James film, Zookeeper, in which Kevin James gets dating advice from zoo animals.  To avoid a Dante’s Peak/Volcano situation here, couldn’t we just combine these two?  Why couldn’t Barry White’s ghost team up with zoo animals to give Kevin James dating advice?  That sounds perfect.

KEVIN JAMES: (*sigh*)  Another girlfriend gone.  Who’s ever going to love a fatty like me?  (*splits seat of pants, cries, eats pie*)

(BARRY WHITE’S GHOST rides in on a zebra, singing “Can’t Get Enough of Your Love”)

BARRY WHITE’S GHOST: Look here, brotha, it ain’t about the paunch you packin’ if your style is silky smooth, ya dig?  Now the big man said he’d let me come back here if I passed on my legacy of lovin’ all the lovely ladies before high-blood pressure comes a-callin’, but times a-wastin’, so I brought some friends along.

(*baby hippo farts, hyenas laugh, Fox execs throw poop at each other*)

(Hugh couldn’t believe it was really Suze Orman)

In a high six-figure deal (you’re kidding me, right?), guess which studio (hint: it’s Fox) bought a comedy pitch from Hitch writer Kevin Bisch called Avon Man.  Hugh Jackman is attached to star.

Story follows men laid off from an auto dealership. One is reluctantly recruited into becoming an Avon salesman, and while the experience is initially emasculating, he uses his charm and good looks to become a top seller. The comedy takes on a “Full Monty” vibe when the car salesman sets out to save his financially strapped family and town by conscripting his buddies into the makeup business to win a regional contest. [Variety]

I imagine how this went down was, in the middle of a Fox meeting, someone stood up and shouted, “Hugh Jackman… as an AVON LADY!”  Then confetti fell from the ceiling accompanied by kazoo sounds and monkeys throwing sh*t at each other.

Those kooky NYC subway pranksters are at it again.  You may have seen their work last month when they turned The Happening into The Penis.  This time they’ve spliced some of Eddie Murphy’s face from a Meet Dave ad into the Hancock poster and re-tooled the tagline to read “Will Smith is Hitch.  Again.”

This reminds me of the time my friend passed out and I wrote “Cock Butt” on his forehead in Sharpie.  Sadly, he died of alcohol poisoning later that night.  And later, at the funeral, when people wondered aloud why it was a closed casket, my buddies and I all smiled knowingly at each other.  Ahh, good times.  Rest in Peace, Cock Butt.

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