I’ll be honest, folks, Kevin Smith news bores me a bit. I used to think he was charming as a person and that some of his movies were sort of okay, but ever since he started smoking weed and adopted this forced folksy shtick of his, I don’t feel strongly about him one way or another. BUT, one thing I do feel strongly about is commenter Chareth Cutestory and his white-hot Kevin Smith hatred, which is so pure and beautiful that I let him write up this latest bit of Kevin Smith news himself. Enjoy.

Are you sitting down? Well hold on to your Jort loops because Kevin Smith, his Macbook Pro just out of reach, grasped his Twitter stick in his sausage fingers and, breathing heavily, methodically tapped out the following:

“Since HIT SOMEBODY is now gonna be a mini-series, yes – that leaves room for a new final flick before I retire from directing feature films.” – @ThatKevinSmith

OH HO HO. What’s this now? Giving up so soon after changing the game with Red State? A film you attempted to finance like some sort of dime store P.T. Barnum? After all that, you’re hanging up your leather duster? Or rather dropping it on the floor since raising your arms to coat rack-level has become a sad spectacle?

And what, pray tell, will be your swan song?

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Jorts-ensconced taint enthusiast Kevin Smith recently announced that his final movie, Hit Somebody, based on the Warren Zevon song (co-written by Mitch Albom) about a hockey enforcer starring Stifler from American Pie, will be a two-parter, a la Twilight Breaking Dawn, or Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows. Because Smith says the source material was too much to cover in one film (keep in mind, it’s based on a song). At this point, I think it’s clear that Kevin Smith has fully completed the transition to creating works specifically for his own, hardcore fanbase, a la Twilight, or Insane Clown Posse. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that, I’m sure it’s nice work if you can get it. Probably much more fun than kowtowing to corporate f*ckheads all day.) Anyway, with that in mind, I thought Kevin Smith’s fans could use a unique, unifying identifier, a lá “Twihards,” or “Juggalos.” They’ve already gone far too long without one. So, can you help me #NameKevinSmithsFans? This is what we’ve got so far:

• Jortists
• Sycoshants
• Clerkers
• Silent Boobs
• The Trench Coat Mafia
• The Man Boob Mafia
• ..And Shitheads
• Girthers
• Breathehards
• Dilletaints
• Seathogs
• Flyhards
• Dogmaniacs
• Smodtards
• Smodcastes
• Whatnots (Whatnauts?)

Please submit your own in the comments. As Chareth says, Kevin Smith puts the “pie” in “pied piper.” (thanks to Burnsy and Chareth Cutestory for the help)

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Those are his dog tags from The Battle of Mervyn's

Kevin Smith always seemed like a cool dude, but I sort of stopped keeping up with him after he started getting in Twitter fights with random bloggers every day that would have me reading through his 600 Tweets in the previous hour to figure out what had happened only to realize I didn’t care.  Nonetheless, Smith announced on one of his 18 podcasts yesterday that he has cast Nicholas Braun as the lead in his hockey movie, Hit Somebody (which once was set to involve Stifler).

If you don’t know who Nicholas Braun is, it’s probably because you never saw the Disney Channel original, Princess Protection Program.  For his part, Smith says he’s great.  Hit Somebody is a hockey comedy based on the Warren Zevon song and co-written by the song’s co-writer, Mitch Alborn.  Not to be confused with a competing hockey goon movie, Goon, from Jay Baruchel and Evan Goldberg. I haven’t read either, but according to a friend who read Goon and enjoyed it, “they’re almost the exact same story.”  Smith is set to take Red State to Sundance in January, but if Goon gets to screens earlier, who knows what will happen with Hit Somebody.  Whatever happens, at least this much is certain: Kevin Smith will tweet about it.  Probably in conjunction with a 37-part web series involving jorts.

Assuming it does happen, Braun is set to play Buddy McCracken, “a hockey player who discovers a gift for violence.”  Call me crazy, but Captain Disney Channel over here doesn’t exactly strike me as a hockey enforcer.  He seems more like the kind of guy who’d get called for a high scarf.  But what do I know, I’m not even Canadian.  I just wish Warren Zevon was alive today to write a song about Kevin Smith.  Which, again, would likely involve jorts.

It’s only been a few days since the Earth literally shattered with the news of a theatrical American Pie sequel.  Recently, the press caught up with Seann William Scott to ask him about it, mainly because he’s the only member of the American Pie cast anyone remembers.

“I’ve been talking to them about it and there’s a possibility,” he told us. “We came up with an awesome idea and I’m kind of at the point where I’m already known as that character forever anyways. As much as I want to do a part like Christoph Waltz in ‘Inglourious Basterds,’ I did ‘American Pie’ three times and then versions of that in ten other movies. If it makes sense and if it makes people laugh than maybe.”

New York Times headline in 70-point font: “STIFLER SAYS ‘MAYBE’ TO AMERICAN PIE SEQUEL!”  Someday we’ll remember this day like my generation’s Kennedy assassination.  Meanwhile, Scott says Kevin Smith has also asked him to play the lead in Hit Somebody, his proposed hockey film.

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