If your hipster loft is lacking in kitschy trinkets for children, FEAR NOT! Now, for the low low price of $12 (from the creator, ILoveMEL), you can ratchet up the whimsy with a Ryan Gosling coloring book! (Or, if you’re across the pond, you can pay £9 for a Ryan Gousling Colouring Booke). “Hey, girl, I don’t mind being colored. I respect all races.”

You can play video games and skee ball at bars, why not have coloring books at your house (if this doesn’t end up in the coffee table book section of Urban Outfitters I’ll eat my scarf)? Hey, internet, here’s a free idea for you: an adult diaper that says “I HEART BACON.” Get it? Because everyone loves bacon, right?? …I’m sorry. I’m only being negative because I know that people like me are both the target audience for this and a large part of the reason that exists. In fact, I wrote a song called “Self-Loathing Hipster” on my ukulele, and it goes a little something like this…

I’m glad to see that Patches was included, but not having the scene where Baby Goose stomps the guy’s head from Drive seems like a major oversight.

[LAist, Movieline]

How come gingers are the ugliest humans yet orangutans are the awesomest apes?  Discuss. |fckyeahdementia|

MORNING LINKS

Supreme Court Rules That States Cannot Prohibit Sale Of Violent Video Games To Children. [Uproxx]

‘Boardwalk Empire’ Season 2 Teaser: Klansmen with Machine Guns! [WarmingGlow]

Meet the 2011 Ugliest Dog in the World [WithLeather]

Hey, remember The Rocketeer?  These people sure do. |GammaSquad|

Paralyzed Cat Takes Swimming Lessons [Buzzfeed]

A Terrifying Gallery of Pokemon from Hell [Unreality]

Panthro Stars in His One Man Show, “ThunderCat on a Hot Tin Roof” [ToplessRobot]

PICTURED: Well that’s certainly a look. Thanks for the tip, Stephanie.

Bus 62 is gangster as hell. |TheDailyWhat|

Charlie Sheen is taking applications for new goddesses. |TheSuperficial|

See? I told you Dave Chappelle was buff now. |WWTDD|

Jenni P models hand bra, arm bra. |GorillaMask|

“Kids unwrap dad” is more heartwarming than it sounds. |Videogum|

This guy owns thousands of pornos and a totally sweet beard. |NYCStool|

Sports that never took off, for obvious reasons. |HolyTaco|

FAN US ON FACEBOOK. And TWITTER. And ITUNES.

This is a real thing being sold on Etsy by someone with the username “cubist literature.” |Regretsy|

MORNING LINKS

• Why are teenagers doing it less? |Uproxx|
• What can’t Anne Hathaway do? |Uproxx|
• Charlie Sheen officially fired. If this kills Two and a Half Men, it could be the best PR move ever. |WarmingGlow|
• Google Test Drives Self-Driving Cars, Drunk Uncle Is Thankful (Video). |GammaSquad|
• Mark Cuban and Charlie Sheen joining forces? |WithLeather|
• Whatever the hell is going on here is pretty disturbing. |TheDailyWhat|
• Huge brawl at a Taco Bell.  Probably over the beef content of the tacos. |BostonBarstoolSports|
• Old people rapping Sir Mixalot. |GorillaMask|
• Five alternatives to walking. |HolyTaco|
• Five actors besides Sheen who pissed away a hit TV show. |ScreenJunkies|
• What a Funky Lady: The Top Five Actors Who Have Morphed Into Middle-Aged Women. |Pajiba|
• LIKE A BOSS. Dog slippers via
• Top 10 Scariest Gary Busey Pictures From The Past 4 Years. |Buzzfeed|
• Charlie Sheen says hes gonna cut kids throats |WWTDD|
• Dude Saves Old Man By Catching Flying Bat with a Beer in His Hand |BroBible|
• Girls on Film: Ten Women Who’ve Made Cinematic History |Moviefone|

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Ashton Kutcher celebrated the debut of his film No Strings Attached last weekend with a YouTube performance of a song that he wrote with his 19-year old stepsister Scout Willis, who is the daughter of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore. Wait, my bad, Scout is Ashton’s stepdaughter. I always mix that up because the former is fine and the latter is f*cking creepy.

And while No Strings Attached prevailed at the box office to the tune of $20 million with the mere technicality that no other movies of note were released, Kutcher ain’t gonna be winning any awards for this performance of their song, “My Sober.”

Read the rest of this entry »

In “this can’t be real but please let it be real” news, Vincent Gallo has a merchandise website and one of the many wonderful items that the self-proclaimed legend is selling is… his semen. For $1,000,000 you can purchase your own sample of the Buffalo 66 star’s hot nut. You can also buy a brown hat for $750, but I think the real bargain is the chance to have Gallo’s baby.

And the news gets even better! If his salty discharge doesn’t work the first time, he’ll gladly keep popping in a cup for you until you get his hairy baby brewing in your tummy. What a gentleman! Tell us more, our new favorite Vince…

Mr. Gallo will supply sperm for as many attempts as it takes to complete a successful fertilization and successful delivery. Sperm is 100% guaranteed to be donated by Mr. Gallo who is drug, alcohol and disease free. If the purchaser of the sperm chooses the option of natural insemination, there is an additional charge of $500,000. However, if after being presented detailed photographs of the purchaser, Mr. Gallo may be willing to waive the natural insemination fee and charge only for the sperm itself. (Via VGMerchandise.com)

That’s right – if you’re hot, you’ll save half a million. If you’re busted, the sex is going to cost you. But no, it’s not prostitution by any means. It’s “natural insemination.” Jesus, why didn’t I think of that?

I was originally going to make fun of the arrogance behind assuming that women would pay $1,000,000 for this guy’s sperm to ride a fixed-gear bike into their wombs. But now I actually admire him for saying, “Why not?” So it is with great pleasure that I announce that we will be selling Vincent Mancini sperm for $6. But he’s going to need the sock back.

(A very special thanks to Charlie Bronze for the tip.)