The American Medical Association Alliance is a lobbying group made up of physicians’ spouses that does helpful things like raising money for cancer research and treating the disabled.  Ha, just kidding, they’re trying to ban depictions of smoking in movies.

“Research has shown that one-third to one-half of all young smokers in the United States can be attributed to smoking these youth see in movies,” said Dr. Jonathan Fielding, head of the Los Angeles County Public Health Department.  Fielding cited another study that he said “found that adolescents whose favorite movie stars smoked on screen are significantly more likely to be smokers themselves and to have a more accepting attitude toward smoking.”

My own research has shown that fans of Fast and Furious are 85% more like to have a favorable attitude towards cars.  Therefore, if we ban Fast and Furious, we can rid the world of almost all cars.

American Medical Association Alliance President Sandi Frost used as her chief example of a movie with “gratuitous smoking” this month’s blockbuster “X-Men Origins: Wolverine,” which was rated PG-13.  “Millions of children have been exposed to the main star of the film, Hugh Jackman, with a cigar in his mouth in various scenes,” Frost said. “I’m willing to bet that not one child would have enjoyed that movie or Mr. Jackman’s performance any less if he hadn’t been smoking.”

“I know this movie is about Indians, but do they really need to carry tomahawks?  Those can be dangerous. It wouldn’t hurt the movie at all if they were playing badminton instead.”  Oh well, at least no one’s dumb enough to pay attention to these idiots, right???

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In a recent interview, four-fingered Transformers star Shia LaBeouf recently described his mother as “the sexiest woman I know.  Biblically.”  Okay, so maybe I added that last part.

“Probably the sexiest woman I know is my mother,” he says. “She’s an ethereal angel. Nobody looks like that woman. If I could meet my mother and marry her, I would. I would be with my mother now, if she weren’t my mother, as sick as that sounds.”

According to the interview, which Star magazine says it obtained, while the “Transformers” star was growing up, his mother often liked to walk around the house naked, even when young LaBeouf’s young friends were over.

“All of them would just be naked around the house,” LaBeouf tells Playboy of his mom and her friends in the June issue. “That was strange for me, and it was really bizarre when my friends were there. You’ve got your little buds over, and Mom’s, like, playing naked connect the dots or whatever. She’s in the middle of goddess-group time, where it’s literally a bunch of naked women tracing auras around one another’s bodies with incense and then sitting together and humming for prolonged periods of time.” [FoxSnooze]

To which the reporter responded “Dude… You know I’m recording this, right?”

Hot of the heels of the Fast and Furious shake-chair comes the news that Phillips Electronics is developing a jacket that will help you “feel the movie.” Because the jacket vibrates, you see.

“People don’t realize how sensitive we are to touch, although it is the first sense that fetuses develop in the womb,” says Paul Lemmens, a Philips senior scientist a middle-aged white man with dreadlocks.

The aim, he says, is investigating emotional immersion. “We want people to feel Bruce Lee’s anxiety about whether he will get out alive,” says the Philips researcher. The jacket, responding to signals encoded in the DVD or to a program designed to control the jacket on the fly, can do a host of things, such as “causing a shiver to go up the viewer’s spine and creating the feeling of tension in the limbs.” During the fight scene, says Lemmens, the jacket will even create a pulsing on the wearer’s chest to simulate the kung fu master’s elevated heartbeat.

Lemmens says that the possible applications of this technology are limitless and that the emotion-inducing actuators could go anywhere. [SpectrumIE via ScreenCrave]

Can it sense my emotions?  Because I totally loathe you right now.  Anyway, congratulations on staying busy, hippies, but if I wanted a vibrator jacket, I’d raid your mom’s closet.  *flies by in biplane with scarf trailing behind*
…thaaAAAT’S AA BUUUUuuuuurrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn…..

Not only does Clint Eastwood think you belong to a generation of pussies and gooks, he thinks you fairies should cut it out with the politically correct bullshit already.

He says the world would be a better place if we could still laugh at inoffensive jokes about different races. The actor and director, 78, said we live in constant fear of being labelled racist for simply laughing about national stereotypes.  ‘People have lost their sense of humour,’ he told Germany’s Der Spiegel magazine.

‘In former times we constantly made jokes about different races.  You can only tell them today with one hand over your mouth otherwise you will be insulted as a racist. I find that ridiculous. In those earlier days every friendly clique had a “Sam the Jew” or “José the Mexican” – but we didn’t think anything of it or have a racist thought.’

‘It was normal that we made jokes based on our nationality or ethnicity. That was never a problem. I don’t want to be politically correct. We’re all spending too much time and energy trying to be politically correct about everything.’ [DailyMail]

I know I’m supposed to say something cute and make fun of Clint for being old right now, but I agree with him 1000%.  These hippie fascists at some point decided that recognizing obvious differences or using non-vague words not invented in the last 15 years is the same as hate or discrimination.  Ridiculous.  And as a sidenote, my clique also included a Jake the harelip, lazy-eye Charlie, Stevie stump hands, Eskimo Ray, and Judy the cheetah.

Believe it or not, this news lede didn’t come from The Onion.

A large crystal skull similar to those at the center of the upcoming Harrison Ford movie was recently stolen from a New Age store, puzzling employees in part because of the laid-back nature of shop regulars.

Gosh, I never would’ve thought people who think crystals have magical powers could be puzzled by something.

The skull, named Solar Ray [probably after his daughter -Ed.] by owner Don Marr, had been on loan at "Kindred Spirits" for about four months and went missing about two weeks ago. It had sat on an altar in the store’s classroom area and was considered one of the shop’s prized objects.

Awesome. Hey, do you think one of you lala-land idiots could talk about the skull as if it were a real person?

"He was on an altar, and he just enjoyed being here," said employee Kristen Nestor, who supervises the store’s weekly crystal-reading classes.

Perfect, thanks.

"He participated in our classes.  He likes to travel and things like that," Nestor said. "He was here for about four months, just enjoying everyone who comes through here." Nestor said she believes the skull is as old as 500 years.  [Yahoo]

Nestor isn’t an archaeologist or historian, but says the skull “just seemed like an old soul.”  Police say they have no suspects as of yet, but won’t rule out Nestor’s boyfriend, an unemployed DJ who plays “a sort of House/drumandbass/jungle hybrid.”