A three-disc edition of Apocalypse Now hits Blu-Ray this week, and one of the special features is the conversation between director Francis Ford Coppola and writer John Milius, who adapted Joseph Conrad’s Heart of Darkness for the screenplay.  Here Milius tells Coppola the origin of the title “Apocalypse Now”.  Basically, Milius hated hippies, so he took their common button or jacket patch, a peace sign that said “Nirvana Now”, and added a few lines so that it looked like a B-52 and said “Apocalypse Now.” I don’t know about you, but seeing a dude who looks so much like Walter Sobchak from Big Lebowski talk about hating hippies kind of gives me a hard on.

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The first bit of news I have to report is that the first pictures of Jason Momoa as Conan in the Conan the Barbarian remake have surfaced on a Robert E. Howard forum (via CHUD).  The second bit of news I have is that apparently there are Robert E. Howard forums.  I really need to catch up on my homoerotic pulp novels from the 30s.  I know some people might point out that Momoa is Hawaiian not Samoan, and to those people I’d point out that “Conan” and “Hawaiian” don’t rhyme nearly as well.

To refresh your memory, this remake comes from Marcus Nispel, director of Pathfinder and a Friday the 13th remake, and the guys who wrote Sahara.  Star Jason Momoa was previously in Baywatch: Hawaii, Stargate Atlantis, and a bar fight that required 140 stitches. He’s also married to Lisa Bonet, and between them and director Marcus Nispel, the Conan set has pound for pound the most disgusting grungy hippie hair of any film ever.  I hear the teamsters could smell incense and B.O. from five miles away.

Long story short, I don’t know why anyone’s treating this movie like it’s a real movie and not just some bargain-bin, direct-to-DVD throwaway.  The studio sure isn’t. Hmm, who should we get to replace one of the most iconic movie stars of the 20th century?  Oh I know, we’ll get a Hawaiian model from a Baywatch spinoff.  Problem solved, hookers and cocaine for everyone.

Sacha Baron Cohen is a kosher Jew, so he pretty much had carte blanche to do all the Jew jokes he wanted in Borat.  Unfortunately he’s not gay, so you can imagine what that means for the Brüno movie – a lot of whining by people who know nothing about comedy.  A site called theWrap (via /Film) recently reported that Brüno was reshot in response to concerns from some of Hollywood’s gay community, notably School of Rock’s Mike White, who supposedly “found the Bruno character to be a depiction of fetishism rather than a comedic stereotype,” (whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean). Which in turn led to…

The filmmaker conducting “significant reshoots” to temper the troubled reaction of  insiders from the Hollywood gay community, according to one person involved in the Bruno production who declined to be identified.

But take the reshoot part of this story with a grain of salt, as multiple sources have called BS on some of the things TheWrap have written recently, calling them “reckless and irresponsible.”  It’s also weird they use an anonymous source and don’t even mention director Larry Charles by name.  But as you can see in the above video, some “notable” gays are “concerned.”  Which is another way to say “wanting to appear PC without taking the trouble to actually form an opinion.”  Says Queer as Folk‘s Peter Page at the 1:29 mark:

“When you see a Brüno clip in a room full of gay men, everyone laughs and it’s fun.  When you see a Brüno clip in a room full of straight men, everyone laughs and it’s a different thing.  And you start to go, ‘Hmm, I don’t know how I feel about this.’”

Wow.  Gosh.  That is… damning.  I’m seriously starting to rethink this whole thing.  Everyone knows the first rule of comedy is to find the stupidest person in the room and gear all your comedy towards him.  It’s like this one time I was listening to the Beatles, and I said to Charlie Manson, “isn’t this awesome?”  And he was like, “Yeah, man!  It’s about the coming of the race war!”  And from then on I couldn’t listen to the Beatles because the Beatles are racist.  And now Bruno.  Gosh, I think I’ll just watch Leno until everyone’s the same.

The New York Times did an article on the Brüno movie over the weekend, focussing on the film’s overt political message. Surely it must have one.  Because comedy is propaganda, you see.

Gay groups are reacting with deeply mixed emotions, heightened by the recent triumphs (Iowa) and losses (California) in efforts to legalize gay marriage. Is the film then vulgar, inappropriate and harmful? Or bold, timely and necessary? All of the above?

Why is it any time someone uses the word ‘inappropriate’ I want to make a hole in their throat and poop in it?

Ultimately the tension surrounding “Brüno” boils down to the worry that certain viewers won’t understand that the joke is on them and will leave the multiplex with their homophobia validated [which I've heard you can redeem for free parking].
“Some people in our community may like this movie, but many are not going to be O.K. with it,” said Rashad Robinson, senior director of media programs for GLAAD. “Sacha Baron Cohen’s well-meaning attempt at satire is problematic in many places and outright offensive in others.”
“We strongly feel that Sacha Baron Cohen and Universal Pictures have a responsibility to remind the viewing public right there in the theater that this is intended to expose homophobia,” said Brad Luna, a spokesman for Human Rights Campaign.

We have a right to ensure stupid people aren’t laughing at jokes for the wrong reasons!  Don’t you see? The chicken only braved the dangers of the road because she was fleeing discrimination!

Holding the opposite view are people like Aaron Hicklin, the editor of Out magazine, who said he plans to put Mr. Baron Cohen on the August cover. “The movie does something hugely important, which is showing that people’s attitudes can turn on a dime when they realize you’re gay,” Mr. Hickland said. “The multiplex crowd wouldn’t normally sit down for a two-hour lecture on homophobia, but that’s exactly what’s going to happen. I’m excited about that.”

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The American Medical Association Alliance is a lobbying group made up of physicians’ spouses that does helpful things like raising money for cancer research and treating the disabled.  Ha, just kidding, they’re trying to ban depictions of smoking in movies.

“Research has shown that one-third to one-half of all young smokers in the United States can be attributed to smoking these youth see in movies,” said Dr. Jonathan Fielding, head of the Los Angeles County Public Health Department.  Fielding cited another study that he said “found that adolescents whose favorite movie stars smoked on screen are significantly more likely to be smokers themselves and to have a more accepting attitude toward smoking.”

My own research has shown that fans of Fast and Furious are 85% more like to have a favorable attitude towards cars.  Therefore, if we ban Fast and Furious, we can rid the world of almost all cars.

American Medical Association Alliance President Sandi Frost used as her chief example of a movie with “gratuitous smoking” this month’s blockbuster “X-Men Origins: Wolverine,” which was rated PG-13.  “Millions of children have been exposed to the main star of the film, Hugh Jackman, with a cigar in his mouth in various scenes,” Frost said. “I’m willing to bet that not one child would have enjoyed that movie or Mr. Jackman’s performance any less if he hadn’t been smoking.”

“I know this movie is about Indians, but do they really need to carry tomahawks?  Those can be dangerous. It wouldn’t hurt the movie at all if they were playing badminton instead.”  Oh well, at least no one’s dumb enough to pay attention to these idiots, right???

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