MEGAN FOX HAS A THEORY

Written by Vince Mancini / 05.11.09

Megan Fox revealed her theory about High School Musical (which she was clearly developing on the set of Transformers above – so pensive!) in a recent interview with Esquire.

“Let me tell you what it’s really about. ‘High School Musical’ is about this group of boys who are all being molested by the basketball coach, who is Zac Efron’s dad. It’s about them struggling to cope with this molestation. And they have these little girlfriends, who are their beards. Oh, and somehow there’s music involved,” the ‘Transformers’ beauty says.  Fox adds, “You have to get stoned and watch it.” [Popeater]

Hmm, something tells me this isn’t the first time a girl who gets filmed rolling around in her underwear had a theory about molestation…  In related news, I got molested by a basketball coach once.  He dribbled everywhere.  Ow, shut up, I was already leaving.

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THE MACHINE MOVES ON WITHOUT EFRON

Written by Vince Mancini / 03.04.09

The gang from High School Musical graduated in the last installment, but no matter, Disney is a machine that controls what kids like and prints money.  That’s right, High School Musical 4 is coming.  All androgynous mannequins, please report for duty.

HSM4 will return to the cable channel where HSM and HSM2 kicked off the global phenomenon. The premise is described in a Disney statement as, “East meets West in a classic love triangle set against the crosstown school rivalry between the East High Wildcats and West High Knights.”  Given that most of the main characters graduated and headed to college at the end of the franchise’s $250 million box office hit, HSM3: Senior Year, it’s probably safe to say that they won’t be “all in this together.” However, the conclusion of the film also featured a passing of the torch of sorts, as it introduced several new, younger characters, including those played by Jemma McKenzie-Brown [GRR, HYPHENS], Matt Prokop and Justin Martin. [Yahoo/E!]

I can usually tell when a new High School Musical is out when I go to the mall and see an entire kiosk plastered in some person’s picture.  I’ll sit there thinking, hmm, this person is being treated like he or she is really famous, and yet, I have idea who the f-ck that is.  Have I been transported to a parallel dimension like Quinn Mallory on Sliders?  And then it turns out I’m just old.

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FORMER CHILD ACTORS STILL #1 MENACE

Written by Vince Mancini / 12.26.08

Animatronics, super-intelligent apes, 20-year-olds with their hair in pigtails like in porno; all these things would be preferable to using child actors.  Another former child actor was shot to death by police this week after a standoff. 38-year-old Manuel Benitez…

…took his 6-year-old son hostage at gunpoint, barricaded himself and the child inside an El Monte restaurant bathroom, and then triggered a bloody standoff that left the suspect dead and the boy wounded.

Son?  Not only are we letting former child actors roam freely, they’ve the opportunity to reproduce?  This country’s going straight down the shitter, I’m telling you.

Benitez worked as a child actor under the stage name, Mark Everett. He had acting roles in the movies “Stand and Deliver” and “Pee Wee’s Big Adventure.” Everett also appeared in the television series “Galactica 1980″ and “Highway to Heaven.”

Benitez was wanted in connection with the June 21, 2004, murder of his girlfriend, Stephanie Spears… Benitez/Everett allegedly bludgeoned his girlfriend to death with a dumbbell inside their home during a fit of rage over a bad break-up.

The events that culminated with Benitez’s death began about 2:30 p.m. Tuesday when El Monte police responded to a call of a suspicious person with a child near the intersection of Ramona Boulevard and Santa Anita Avenue, sheriff’s Sgt. David Infante said.

When officers arrived at the scene, they found Benitez armed with a handgun. Benitez then reportedly grabbed his son and positioned him between himself and police…

Benitez then took the boy inside Tai Pan Chinese Food, at 3580 Santa Anita Ave., and locked himself and the child inside a bathroom, threatening to kill himself, Benjamin, and any responding officers, Infante said.

Crisis negotiators entered the restaurant, establishing communication with the man for roughly two hours, but he refused to comply with their requests to surrender or release the child, Infante said.

Hours into the standoff, the bathroom door opened, and the Special Weapons Crisis Entry Team [Ed Note: Wha?] deployed a flash-bang device inside the room. The team then entered the bathroom, attempting to rescue the boy and take the suspect into custody, he said.

Then, “an officer-involved shooting occurred,” Infante said. The suspect suffered a gunshot wound and was pronounced dead at the scene. Two handguns in Benitez’s possession were recovered following the shooting, Infante said. [MSNBC]

In related news, shooting by police has now become the third leading cause of death among former child actors, behind drug overdose and autoerotic asphyxiation accident, respectively.

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YAHOO WINS THE STUPID BOWL

Written by Vince Mancini / 11.03.08

Zack and Miri Make a Porno failed to steal the top spot from High School Musical over the weekend as its $10.7 million opening couldn’t match High School Musical‘s $15 million second weekend haul. But don’t feel bad, Kevin Smith, as Yahoo astutely points out, it probably would’ve made more if it had just been a completely different film.  Keep that in mind next time, ya silly goose!  (full top ten after the jump)

Read the rest of this entry »

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EVERY HORROR FILM ABOUT CREEPY KIDS NOW

Written by Vince Mancini / 10.27.08

This is the trailer for British horror film The Children, which doesn’t have a U.S. release date set yet.  As you can imagine, it’s about little kids who are evil. Oh my God, run for your lives, they need someone to take them to see High School Musical!

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