“My friend, there are three things I love in this world. Salmon fishing. The Yemen. And literal titles.”

The Golden Globes released their nominations today – do people care about this, I can never tell – and as usual, the fun part is figuring out who threw the best parties for the shady-ass HFPA voters based on their nominations. I’m going to assume Salmon Fishing in the Yemen, which grossed a measly $9 million in North America (plus a modest $25 million worldwide) and was reviewed at a tepid 67 percent on RottenTomatoes (with most of the positive ones not all that glowing), but managed to get best picture, best actress, and best actor nominations, with nary a Johnny Depp cameo to be found (foreigners love Johnny Depp, it’s science). Ewan MacGregor’s publicist must give one heck of a beej.

Best Motion Picture – Drama

“Argo”
“Django Unchained”
“Life of Pi”
“Lincoln”
“Zero Dark Thirty”

The insane thing about Zero Dark Thirty getting nominated in virtually every organizations’ nominations is that literally no one except awards voters has even seen it yet. Talk about knowing your audience.

Best Motion Picture – Comedy Or Musical

“The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel”
“Les Miserables”
“Moonrise Kingdom”
“Silver Linings Playbook”
“Salmon Fishing in the Yemen”

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture – Drama

Daniel Day-Lewis, “Lincoln”
Richard Gere, “Arbitrage”
John Hawkes, “The Sessions”
Joaquin Phoenix, “The Master”
Denzel Washington, “Flight”

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Tina Fey and Amy Poehler have been hired to host this year’s Golden Globes telecast January 13th. It’s a great choice, because for all the condescending “OMG, womyn can b funny 2!” praise Bridesmaids got, I always thought Baby Mama was better. But then what do I know? I’m just a dude who chose this banner picture because it made Amy Poehler’s boobs look hella swoll. #Yolo

The Hollywood Foreign Press Association, Dick Clark Productions and NBC announced Monday that the pair of “30 Rock” and “Parks and Recreation” stars have signed on to host the 70th annual Golden Globes ceremony after British comedian Ricky Gervais’ three-year reign as the show’s acerbic emcee.

“The unparalleled comedic timing of Tina and Amy will surely have viewers wanting to tune-in to see them in action,” said Takla-O’Reilly, president of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, which honors film and TV at the Beverly Hills Hilton ceremony. “The HFPA is thrilled to have the magnetic duo be a part of the show’s 70th anniversary!” [HuffPo]

Takla O’Reilly was always my favorite Who song. The HFPA, of course, is an insular collection of foreigners who work for fake magazines and love Johnny Depp movies (Foreigners Love Johnny Depp), who give awards in exchange for bribes. But they gained a modicum of legitimacy in the past few years by hiring Ricky Gervais to come down and insult everyone. I wouldn’t mind seeing that again, but hiring the best Weekend Update team since Norm MacDonald is a pretty great idea too. Maybe they could even get Seth Meyers to come down and stand just off stage handing orange slices to everyone when they get tired like at soccer practice.

That’s right, I’m trying to start a beef with Seth Meyers. If you see him, tell him I said he was a nerd. EAT IT, MEYERS!

[Picture source = IBTimes]

The Golden Globes are a fake awards show basically invented by a small circle of foreign journalists so that they could go to parties and hang out with Johnny Depp (remember my thesis: foreigners love Johnny Depp). The only reason to ever think about or consider watching them is to see what Ricky Gervais will say, so of course they’re having him back to host again this year. The part where the HFPA was supposedly mad at him for making fun of them was all hype. They’ll let him say whatever he wants because he gives them exactly what they need — to seem relevant.

The group, composed of 83 entertainment journalists from around the world, voted Wednesday to bring back the performer for a third consecutive year, though a small but vocal minority dissented. Sixteen out of the 62 members who voted were opposed to Gervais’ return, according to a person who was present at the meeting but asked not to be identified because of the confidential nature of the proceedings. In a statement on the Golden Globes website, the HFPA said the group was moved to bring back Gervais after meeting with NBC official Doug Vaughan.
A blog post on the HFPA site acknowledged that “while many welcome Gervais’ return, not everyone is happy with the decision because last year his blunt one-liners targeting big-name celebrities caused anger and resentment in some quarters.” The upcoming ceremony is set for Jan. 15 and will air on NBC.
Gervais also took a shot at the HFPA leadership. “I had to help the HFPA president off the toilet and pop his teeth back in,” he said of the then-HFPA President Philip Berk. The HFPA sent strong signals immediately after the show that it would not invite Gervais back. Berk said afterward that Gervais “definitely crossed the line” and that “some of the things were totally unacceptable.”
However, the members who voted for Gervais said that the actor’s quips, and the buzz that came with them, in fact informed their vote. [LATimes]

And for our patrons who still prefer to order off the old menu, Billy Crystal will be hosting the Oscars.

UPDATE: According to TheWrap, the HFPA say they did not invite him back. “There is no truth to this rumor. We have not asked him to come back,” president Phil Berk said in a statement. “Nice try, Ricky.” So, it looks like we can go back to not caring about the Golden Globes again. Phew.

Two weeks ago, Ricky Gervais hosted the Golden Globes, having the audacity not to kiss everyone’s ass and even telling jokes about such taboo subjects as Charlie Sheen partying a lot and John Travolta being gay.  This led to a

“Ricky will not be invited back to host the show next year, for sure,” a member of the HFPA tells me, adding that Gervais’ relentlessly mean shtick could have even larger consequences. “For sure any movie he makes he can forget about getting nominated. He humiliated the organization last night and went too far with several celebrities whose representatives have already called to complain.” [Popeater via WarmingGlow]

Gee, Rob, it seems your sources have a pretty loose definition of “for sure.” (Though I enjoy how transparent they are about the corrupt nominations process).

Brit Ricky Gervais says he has been asked to present the Golden Globe Awards for the third year in a row, but is not sure he could do a better job than this year’s controversial performance, it was widely reported Tuesday.

Writing in UK entertainment magazine Heat this week, Gervais said: “The ratings went up again, and the organizers asked me to consider a third year.”

“[But] I don’t think I should. I don’t know what I could do better. I certainly couldn’t get more press for them, that’s for sure,” he added. [NYPost]

I checked in over at Popeater to see if they’d printed a retraction, but Rob seemed to be busy with a hard-hitting exposé on the color of Kate Middleton’s wedding dress.  (This just in!  It might not be white!  Or it might!  Really, it’s too early to tell!  Back to you in the studio, Jim!)

Of course they asked him back.  Offending a couple people is a small price to pay for making the Golden Globes seem relevant.
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