This is the first full trailer for Guillermo Del Toro’s Hellboy 2: The Golden Shower Army, opening July 11th.

I thought the first Hellboy was cool looking, but kind of boring, like Scarlett Johansson when she talks. But I loved Pan’s Labyrinth, so if the pantscraptastic monster thingies are built around a decent story this time and it’s not just CGI-on-CGI monster porn, I’d bone this movie.

And even if it sucks, Guillermo Del Toro will still be my favorite redheaded Mexican.  Tough luck, Jeff Garcia. :-(

[Thanks to Liam for the tip]

The trailer for Hellboy 2: The Golden Army is now online.

After an ancient truce existing between humankind and the invisible realm of the fantastic is broken, hell on Earth is ready to erupt. A ruthless leader who treads the world above and the one below defies his bloodline and awakens an unstoppable army of creatures. Now, it’s up to the planet’s toughest, roughest superhero to battle the merciless dictator and his marauders. He may be red. He may be horned. He may be misunderstood. But when you need the job done right, it’s time to call in Hellboy (Ron Perlman).

I’m kind of excited for this, even though the first one made me fall asleep.  I’m stupid like that.  But people say my penis exists entirely in the invisible realm of the fantastic, so I’ve got that going for me.  I think.   

New pics galore! (click on the thumbnails for the full versions, genius) 

Get Smart
It’s got Steve Carell talking to his shoe.  Get it?  It’s funny cause it’s a shoe! Stars Steve Carell, The Rock, Alan Arkin, Bill Murray, and my penis’ favorite actress, Anne Hathaway, in a remake of the classic TV show. It releases 6-20-08.

Mamma Mia!
Mamma mia! I’ma so happy aI’ma gonna jumpa up onna da bed! I like it when they turn plays into movies, because the theatre is for poor people.  They finally got enough money to buy a camera, so now the Abba-infused musical is coming to the screen with Meryl Streep, Pierce Brosnan, Colin Firth, Stellan Skarsgård, Julie Walters, Dominic Cooper, Amanda Seyfried and Christine Baranski.  Know who’s gonna be happy about this?  The gays.  (July 18th)

Hellboy 2: The Golden Army
In Guillermo Del Toro’s (Pan’s Labyrinth - yes, please) upcoming Hellboy sequel, Ron Perlman gets to carry a big gun.  You’ve probably seen Ron Perlman lots of places without knowing about him. He’s an extremely solid actor with a rather unfortunate looking face, which Hollywood has tactfully compensated for by casting him as characters that require a mask – like Hellboy, and Beast, from the Beauty and the Beast TV show.  Take heart, ugly people, there’s a lesson in there somewhere. (July 11th)

As promised, Hellboy 2‘s movie site released a new poster today, this time featuring Abe Sapien, who’s basically a cross between the Pale Man and C3PO.   

He also does a video intro, with his voice played by David Hyde Pierce, who’s no stranger to the chamomile, if you catch my drift.  Pierce was just named People Magazine’s "Whitest Man Alive" for the 10th straight year and he’s never been photographed with Tim Gunn.  Coincidence?  Think again, my friend. One time Selma Blair beat David Hyde Pierce in arm wrestling match using only her jaw. 

UPDATE: As commenter Lincolnfx points out: David Hyde Pierce actually is not doing Abe Sapien’s voice.  A In Hellboy II it is [Doug] Jones’ voice you will hear, Pierce isn’t involved. Jeez, thanks for ruining all my jokes, Professor Fact Guy.

Over at the Hellboy 2 official site (Hellboy II: The Golden Army) they’ve got up the first of what they say is going to be three “first looks” in three days.  Guillermo Del Toro’s Hellboy sequel opens July 11, 2008.

The numero uno poster design is for Liz Sherman, the B.R.P.D.’s resident pyrokinetic and g.f. of Hellboy. Played by the raven-haired Selma Blair once again in HB2, Liz can control a blue-tinted flame which she wields to fry to a crisp any bad demons, monsters or other chicks that try to steal her boyfriend. [MovieBlog] 

Yeah, okay.  Still, when I know the director’s capable of shit like this, I’m a little disappointed with shot of Selma Blair’s jaw and cheekbone.  They’re calling it a “theater lobby display”, so I imagine in real life it’s going to look even bigger than this.  Scary thought – blowing up pictures of extreme close-ups has a tendency to make chicks look fat (don’t ask me how I know) and they hate that.   

It’s a basic tenant of science that I try to harness when sending out pictures of my penis on Myspace.  Gotta give the ladies what they want up front, am I right?  And now we wait…