After the jump, I’ve got the trailer for The Debt, starring Sam Worthington, Tom Wilkinson, and Helen Mirren, from Shakespeare in Love director John Madden, co-written by Kick-Ass writers Matthew Vaughn and Jane Goldman.   The plot is that in 1965, three Mossad agents head to Europe to track down a Nazi war criminal, “the surgeon of Birkenau”, who probably performed lots of Human Centipede experiments, as Germans are wont to do.

I was all set to say, “Hey, isn’t this just like Munich?” when BOOM! Jessica Chastain takes Dr. Nazi down to beatdown town by distracting him with her glistening labes during a routine pelvic exam.  Whoa!  I had a dude try to pull that against me in a Jiu-Jitsu tournament, which is clearly against the rules, but I digress.  Point is, The Debt looks pretty sweet (opens December 29th).  Watching the trailer at home, Mel Gibson reportedly shouted, “LOOK OUT, DOC, THAT JEW CLAM AIN’T KOSHER, SOOWEEE SOOOWEEE!!!”

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This is the trailer for Red, from Summit Entertainment.  It’s based on a comic book and I didn’t cover it much, because during production, it sounded like the most generic action movie ever:

Red is the story of Frank Moses (Bruce Willis), a former black-ops CIA agent, who is now living a quiet life. That is, until the day a hi-tech assassin shows up intent on killing him. With his identity compromised and the life of the woman he cares for, Sarah (Mary Louise Parker), endangered, Frank reassembles his old team (Morgan Freeman, John Malkovich and Helen Mirren) in a last ditch effort to survive.

So basically Watchmen meets A-Team meets Bourne meets Killers/Knight and Day/Mrs. Smith.  The premise couldn’t possibly squeeze in more overused plot gimmicks, short of adding vampires.  There’s also the matter of the director, Robert Schwenke having previously done Flightplan and The Time Traveler’s Wife.  And yet, dare I say it, it actually looks fun.  I guess casting Bruce Willis, Helen Mirren, John Malkovich, Mary Louise Parker, and Morgan Freeman goes a long way.  It also helps that Bruce Willis never tells Helen Mirren to count to three, only to have her ignore him and flail screaming into a hail of bullets like a retard.  GET IT?  IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE GIRLS ARE STUPID!  I’ll take this over Knight and Day any day.  Or knight.

UPDATE: NY Mag told me not to use their photo (even though I essentially used it as bait to link their website, but whatever), so instead of a relevant shot of Helen Mirren, you can enjoy zombie corgi here, sent in by a FilmDrunkard. DO NOT STEAL IT OR ELSE YOU’LL BE HEARING FROM MY CORGI LAWYER!

Helen Mirren stars in Love Ranch opposite Joe Pesci (opening June 30th), and all I  needed to know about that was “Joe Pesci plays a pimp.”  But as if that weren’t enough, Mirren recently sat down for a feature in New York Magazine and took some pictures where you can kinda see her jugs (NSFW one here).  I wouldn’t recommend it for all 64-year-olds, but hey, it’s Helen Mirren (I suggest a Google Image search of her earlier work).  British girls could really give American ones a lesson on not being so uptight (hint, hint, Mom).

Mirren signed up to play Grace Botempo, the madam of a booming seventies Reno whorehouse in her husband Taylor Hackford’s film Love Ranch.  “Interesting” is probably underselling Grace. Diagnosed with cancer and frustrated with an epically sleazy husband (Joe Pesci), Mirren’s madam begins a hot love affair with a beefy boxer 30 years her junior, played with abundant smolder by Spanish newcomer Sergio Peris-Mencheta. “He’s got a fabulous big-animal thing in that sort of raw, brutish, ugly-beautiful way,” says Mirren, who shares a steamy, and, because it’s her, entirely plausible love scene with Peris-Mencheta. In addition, she makes d*ck jokes, stomps on the throat of a misbehaving prostitute, and presides over the brothel with such swagger that Pesci shouts, “Who do ya think you are, the queen of f*ckin’ England?”

Sold.  Look, you had me at “stomps on the throat of a misbehaving prostitute,” okay?  You can put your boobs away now, this isn’t Europe.

Ever since Joe Pesci pulled the ultimate pimp move in Casino, where Sharon Stone was mid-sentence and he just pointed to his junk and guided her head there, I’ve wanted to see more of Joe Pesci being a pimp. The sight of it just warms my greasy dago heart.  It appears Pesci will doing more of just that in Love Ranch (for which you can watch the trailer below), the new movie from Ray director Taylor Hackford.

Pesci and Dame Helen Mirren (a DILF if I’ve ever seen one) play Charlie and Grace Bontempo, the husband and wife owner of the first legalized brothel in America outside Reno.  Charlie brings a heavyweight boxer in from South America (Spanish actor Sergio Peris–Mencheta) to train at the ranch, and he’s soon putting his hot Latin love inside Grace’s mature, but still- steamy empanada (oh God, remind me never to use this euphemism again).  Meanwhile, Bai Ling shows up in the role she was born to play, Mute Background Asian Whore Number 5.   Anyway, it looks pretty good. I’m so excited I can’t stop grabbing my crotch and talking too loudly.

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(Quentin’s coke hallucinations often take the form of Oscar-winner Helen Mirren)

If I had to make love to a woman in her mid-60s, my top choice would definitely be Helen Mirren.  Yeah, definitely her or my friend Bret’s mom.  It’s a toss up, really.

The Academy Award-winner has been asked to play a foul-mouthed monarch in the Inglourious Basterds director’s upcoming medieval movie. The film is expected to contain “bloody violence” and will be set in England’s Middle Ages.  A source told The Sun: “It will feature his trademarks – bloody violence and foul language. Helen has never worked with Tarantino and is interested. If the film goes into production it’s likely she will play a part.” [DigitalSpy]

I think I speak for everyone when I say that Quentin Tarantino going medieval (literally!  Sort of!) sounds amazing on paper.  Of course, take this with a grain of salt, as The Sun’s anonymous sources are only slightly more accurate than that rogue CIA agent who sends coded messages about the government’s secret plans via skid marks in my underwear.  Yes, Special Agent Brown.  He’s had a busy week.