So last week, The Sun published a story about Robert Pattinson playing Kurt Cobain that was obviously totally made up.  This week, Courtney Love weighed in on those rumors no one believed, despite her being irrelevant in every way.  Crap, this is off to a really bad start, can I start over?

“Isn’t that so stupid, who would cast him? That’s just wrong, no offence (to Pattinson),” Love said. “I watched the ‘Twilight’ stuff very, very recently and I get it, it resonates with the teenaged girl in me, I understand epic love of that nature; I write about it all the time.  But isn’t that silly?”

If you were unaware of Love’s work on this topic, it’s probably because no one has yet been able to make it through a full sentence of her rambling, incoherent, unspellchecked drivel.

But in an interview with The Canadian Press, Love said she can imagine Canadian actor Ryan Gosling in the role of her late husband. She said she could also see Scottish actor James McAvoy playing the part of Cobain.  Love says she will likely never see the film – which is still in its embryonic production stages – because it would be too difficult to sit through. [Source]

Yeah, that would probably be weird, I can’t imagine trying to watch a film about a guy I secretly had killed.  Bong! *hits gong, racks shotgun*

Anyway, I wouldn’t mind seeing Baby Goose play Kurt Cobain.  I bet they could get him to do it, too, as long as they agreed to let him put in a couple of his own original tunes.  Spoiler alert: They all end in “best friends forever.”

ScarJo hilariously mimics the back of Kurt's skull coming off in a shotgun blast

The rumor that Robert Pattinson would play Kurt Cobain in a new biopic from David Fincher (and that Courtney Love wants ScarJo to play her) was enough to make “Robert Pattinson” and “Kurt Cobain” trending topics on Twitter (the new, internationally-recognized barometer for buzz).  However, before you read this ridiculous story, keep in mind that it comes from The Sun, who also said Eddie Murphy would play The Riddler and Megan Fox narrowly beat out Cher to play Catwoman.  Says the Sun now:

R-Patz has been in regular contact with Kurt’s widow COURTNEY LOVE, who has been handed a key role in the production by bosses at Universal Pictures. The HOLE singer wanted R-Patz as Kurt and SCARLETT JOHANSSON to portray her. My graphics team have mocked up Rob and Scarlett as the hellraising pair.

A source said: “This is a big money deal for Courtney. “She has agreed to the film on condition that she gets to decide the main aspects of the project including director, casting, screenplay and music. “Robert has been calling and emailing her non-stop. She has been a bit wound up by his manners, but he is her number one choice to play Kurt. “She is adamant Scarlett will play her. Scarlett is friendly with FRANCES BEAN, her daughter with Kurt.”
Courtney has been in touch with director DAVID FINCHER about the project, which has the working title All Apologies. A few years ago Sony Pictures were told to sling their hook by Courtney when they floated the idea of ZAC EFRON as Kurt, while Frances Bean would play her mum.

I like how they threw in Zac Efron as an afterthought in case the Robert Pattinson story wasn’t enough to get people interested in their stupid story.  That’s their picture, by the way, I’m much better at Photoshop than that.  In case you were wondering, there is a Kurt Cobain biopic in the works with Courtney Love’s cooperation, but it’s called Heavier Than Heaven and it currently has Oren Moverman attached to direct. Also, what in the sweet f*ck does “told them to sling their hook” mean?  Do British people insult you by subtly implying that you’re Batman?  Oi, bugga me norks, guvna, but you kin stick it in ya youtilla-ee behwt.

(It’s well known among insiders that Birthday Dog was long considered the fourth member of Nirvana)

With plans to make a biopic, Universal bought the rights to the Kurt Cobain biography Heavier Than Heaven, with cooperation from Courtney Love, back in 2007.  The latest news is that they’ve hired Oren Moverman, who recently made his directing debut with The Messenger and previously wrote I’m Not There.  Moverman will rewrite an earlier draft of a Cobain biopic script by David Benioff (Brothers, 25th Hour).  The Cobain story was previously turned into semi-fictional wank fest Last Days by Gus Van Sant.

I found I’m Not There insufferably pretentious, but I hear good things about The Messenger.  Still, I feel like I need to see a Kurt Cobain biopic like I need a hole in the head.  What?  Oh whatever, like you wouldn’t have made that joke.  Anyway, I hope for Moverman’s sake that this eventually gets made, and that Courtney Love doesn’t have it killed or anything.

Courtney Love reportedly wants Scarlett Johansson to play her, and Ryan Gosling to play Kurt Cobain in Heavier Than Heaven, a biopic that probably won’t include the part where she killed him.

An unidentified "close friend" told London’s Mirror that "She wants the best actors to portray them – she will be on set all the time giving Scarlett and Ryan advice on what it was like being one part of the most notorious couples since Sid and Nancy. It will be explosive." [CinemaBlend]

Gosh, I bet they can’t wait.  I know big Hollywood stars like Scarlett and Ryan are up all night dreaming about turning on their computers and finding their inbox full of Courtney Love emails.

whEhn You pjut the gunn inh thwe roomyou havet o tryin lookk moer liek am amaznig sonswritre becuaz every1 usde to say taht Krut was jsut a rockstr but what relally ahppenned was that  nv,m,njk  oh srry I musta passde out for a second there but aynwya I think your an amaznig and anynoe who sayz not is a LIAR and jealious cynical people heroin. 

Okay, okay, maybe Courtney Love didn’t actually have Kurt killed and I’ve just seen Kurt and Courtney too many times, but from all accounts she seems like not a very nice person, and there’s no debating that she doesn’t feel the need to correct any of her ridiculous typos.  So F that C in the A.

Anyway, word is that Universal is set to adapt the Cobain biography Heavier Than Heaven, with David Benioff (Troy, The Kite Runner, Wolverine) on to write the script.

The interesting thing is that the producers and studio would not address whether they had locked down music rights, or the nature of the story they are trying to tell. I am not sure if Courtney Love holds those rights, but if so that could be a nasty negotiation, but since she is on board to executive produce the flick that may help clear things up. [RopeofSilicon]

Presumably, this means that the film will not include the suspicion surrounding Courtney vis a vis Kurt’s death.  Which will allow it to more closely examine the suspicion surrounding Candlebox.  You heard it here first, folks, I just know those bastards were somehow involved.