Terry Gilliam’s The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus opens on Christmas Day, which is fitting since its star Heath Ledger now lives in an enchanted castle with Jesus.  I’m honestly not sure if this is even a new trailer because it seems like I’ve already posted 10 of these and the opening’s still a few months away.  It’s received mostly mixed reviews in its festival screenings, but I’ve always tended to like Terry Gilliam movies more than the critical consensus — rare for a prick like me.  And you can tell this one’s going to be really impressive because the epic opera gasp choir gets quite the workout.  I’d like to borrow them as my personal background music.  They could build to a crescendo right when I took my pants off, that way it’d really drive home the point that when the girl sees my weiner, she’s witnessing something miraculous, like the birth of a unicorn.

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Below you can watch the first full-length trailer for Heath Ledger’s last film, The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus.  Be it 12 Monkeys or Fear and Loathing, I’ve always had a bit of a soft spot for Terry Gilliam. But even Gilliam might have outdone himself in whacked out story this time, with three different actors (Johnny Depp, Jude Law, Colin Farrell) taking over for Heath Ledger after his date with the giant pile of sleeping pills in the sky. Official synopsis:

Many centuries ago, Dr. Parnassus [Christopher Plummer] won immortality in a bet that found the malevolent Mr. Nick coming up short. While few would be foolish enough to try their luck against the powers of darkness a second time, Dr. Parnassus did precisely that — this time trading his mortality for youth on the understanding that his firstborn would become the property of Mr. Nick [Tom Waits] when the child reaches his or her 16th birthday. Flash-forward to the present day, and Dr. Parnassus’ daughter, Valentina, is about to celebrate her sweet sixteen. Dr. Parnassus is desperate to save his little girl from her fiery fate, and when Mr. Nick arrives to collect, the good doctor presents the Prince of Darkness with a wager too enticing to refuse: Dr. Parnassus and Mr. Nick will each compete to seduce five souls, with possession of Valentina going to whomever manages to complete the task first. [Yahoo UK via QuietEarth]

In related news, R. Kelly wants to know where he can get a piece of this immortality-in-exchange-for-a-16-year-old-you-love deal.  “I get immortality and replace a girlfriend once she gets too old?  What’s the catch!” 

Also, if R. Kelly made a deal with the devil, would the contract be signed in blood or urine?  Discuss.
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Here’s the Modest Mouse video for “King Rat” directed by Heath Ledger.  I believe it’s best described as “In Soviet Russia, whale harpoon YOU.”  Harpooning starts around the 3 min. mark.

Daily Circle Jerk Links:

• Arena Football is going bankrupt.  Here are five reasons you’ll miss it.  (Number one, the sex). |OpenSports|
• 10 things you didn’t know about shark week.  Sounds like the best romantic comedy ever. |GetBack|
• Chicks in Pokemon costumes. |Unreality|
• A collection of memorable movie dance offs.  Dancing off is also what I call it when I freak dance to completion down at the club. |Uncoached|
• 20 types of pot dealers.  |HailMaryJane|
• What celebrities can learn from He-Man. |ScreenJunkies|
• Your Mexican janitor wrote a column.  And now he is very sleepy.  |HolyTaco|
• The 9 lamest pieces of Super Jew apparel. Or another way to put it, 9 pieces of Super Jew apparel. |Heeb|
• F my life for videogame characters. |CollegeHumor|
• A short cartoon explaining why everyone in Oklahoma is fat. |Atom|
• An alligator smashes a watermelon in his jaws.  |G4|

So the Oscars, aka the Super Bowl for Gays happened last night.  I’ll try to combine all the thrilling action into one post:

- Mickey Rourke wore a necklace with a picture of his dear departed dog on it.  Aww, won’t someone adopt him?  He may not be housebroken, but he’s freakin’ adorable!

- Sean Penn beat Rourke for Best Actor in one the few awards I had any interest in.  I’d rather have seen shark tooth win (Sean Penn is a great actor, but everything about Milk was just so… expected), but at least it wasn’t like he got beat by someone totally undeserving, like Halle Berry, or that hack Meryl Streep.

- Kate Winslet won Best Actress for The Reader, making this the last time you’ll hear anything about The Reader.  Let’s see: main character who looks like he has Downs, protagonists who read poetry and take baths, ahck-tores viss fake jer-man ack saints… gosh, I haven’t been so excited to see something since The Hours!  Cross-eyed cats > Dyslexic Nazis.

- Slumdog Millionaire won everything ever. At this point I’m tired of pointing out that it wasn’t good.  If I wanted to watch people I don’t give a shit about fall in love I’d eat at the Olive Garden.  Or another sentence that would actually make sense. Tell ya one thing though, Danny Boyle’s daughter’s tits should’ve won something.

- Host Hugh Jackman danced and sang in that weird vibrato that only theater people have.  The opening number was okay, but his medley with Beyonce, Zac Efron, and the Mamma Mia people was so bad that when he gave Baz Luhrmann the credit for writing it, Baz practically hid underneath his seat.  But the important thing is that lots of people paid attention to Hugh Jackman.  “Hey, everyone, look what I can do!”

- Reese Witherspoon won the ugliest dress award. Hiiid-eeee-ouuuuuth…

- That list of “leaked winners” didn’t last one award.  Hope you didn’t bet the farm.  [FULL LIST OF WINNERS BELOW]

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A no-name blog has posted a cryptic list of what it says are the leaked winners of the 2009 Oscars.  Its validity seems slightly doubtful considering the ballots were due at 5 pm Tuesday and the post went up only an hour after that (seems like they’d take longer than that to count, no?).  But then again, the Academy are nothing if not predictable old farts, so most of these are still probably a pretty good bet.  Here they are:

Actor in a leading role: Mickey Rourke [Yay!]
Actor in a supporting role: Heath Ledger [Duh]
Actress in a leading role: Kate Winslet [Meh?]
Actress in a supporting role: Amy Adams [Sure, why not]
Animated Feature Film: WALL•E [f-ck, I thought Bolt had it locked up]
Art Direction: The Dark Knight
Cinematography: Slumdog Millionaire
Costume Design: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Directing: Slumdog Millionaire
Documentary feature: Man on Wire
Documentary short: The Conscience of Nhem En
Film editing: Milk
Foreign language film: Departures
Makeup: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Music (Score): Defiance
Music (Song): Down to Earth (WALL•E)
Best Picture: Slumdog Millionaire [Duh. Ugh.]
Short film (animated): Presto
Short film (live action): Auf Der Strecke (On The Line)
Sound editing: WALL•E
Sound mixing: The Dark Knight
Visual effects: Iron Man
Writing (Adapted screenplay): The Reader
Writing (Original screenplay): In Bruges

I know, I know, it’s just not the same without Hugh Jackman singing a gay song about them. Speaking of gay, the super secret list of presenters is rumored to include Robert Pattinson, Zac Efron, Vanessa Hudgens, Dominic Cooper [ed note: I have no idea who that is], Amanda Seyfried, Beyoncé, and some say, Miley Cyrus.  Hooray for half-assed plans to attract younger viewers!  Shit, why not just get John Cena to host and call it the People’s Choice Awards?  And the best kill sequence set to Limp Bizkit goes to: Saw XVIII…

[thanks to Spout with the assist]