Folks, I know I vented a little about that Variety article back there, and I’m sorry if I brought you down, but now I’ve got something to share that makes it all worthwhile.  The city of Fort Wayne, Indiana recently solicited suggestions for the name of a new government building, and the runaway favorite was former mayor “Harry Baals.” Harry Baals is extremely popular in Fort Wayne.

Harry Baals is the runaway favorite in online voting to name the new building in Fort Wayne, about 120 miles northeast of Indianapolis. But Deputy Mayor Beth Malloy said that probably won’t be enough to put the name of the city’s longest-tenured mayor on the center.

The issue is pronunciation. The former mayor pronounced his last name “balls.” His descendants have since changed it to “bales.”

“We realize that while Harry Baals was a respected mayor, not everyone outside of Fort Wayne will know that,” Malloy said Tuesday in a statement to The Associated Press. “We wanted to pick something that would reflect our pride in our community beyond the boundaries of Fort Wayne.” [MSNBC]

Kudos to MSNBC for not only reporting this delightful story, but for making the first three words of the headline the deliciously visual “Scratch Harry Baals.”  Simply divine.  I like to imagine Mayor Harry Baals slinking up to the podium on the day of his resignation and telling the assembled press, “Well, it looks like you won’t have Harry Baals to kick around anymore.”

You’ll never believe this, but I couldn’t find any more pictures of Harry Baals.  Aw, I wish every story was about Harry Baals.

Ranting, sexist Mel Gibson not “What Women Want”, proclaimed a Reuters headline this morning. Seconds later, the building that houses their headquarters was nearly toppled from the force of a thousand bow ties suddenly spinning simultaneously.  “As the ‘Maverick’ of mainstream journalism, we wield puns like a ‘Lethal Weapon,’” said a spokesperson.  “Hey look, a ‘Bird on a Wire!”

Oh right the story.  It’s about how media coverage of Mel Gibson is proof of Hollywood sexism.  Because we should divide everyone he offended into little groups and denounce each of his attacks separately, you see.  Only once we compare the math to make sure each group got equal time will we be truly unified.  Derrrrrp.

[yadda yadda yadda 'Vegas Whore'] …Yet unlike public condemnation from movie industry big-wigs over Gibson’s drunken anti-Semitic outburst in 2006, there has been little official comment about his misogynist tirade — a reflection, some say, of lack of female clout in Hollywood.
[yadda yadda yadda 'Sugar Tits']…Yet the media coverage and any public outrage have focused more on the damage to Gibson’s career, and his racist slurs, than his sexist invective.
“Mel Gibson has become a persona non grata throughout Hollywood. But not because of how he treats women,” said Melissa Silverstein, who runs the Women & Hollywood blog. “People should be talking about the anti-women stuff as much as they talk about the racist stuff,” she said.
[*eye roll, mouth fart, dismissive wank*] Silverstein noted that while Sony Pictures co-chairman Amy Pascal and talent agent Ari Emanuel denounced Gibson for his anti-Semitic rant in 2006, there have been no public statements this time around from major Hollywood players.  “It is indicative of where women are in Hollywood,” Silverstein said. “It’s about power, and the boys have it.”

My, what sexist things Mel Gibson said the other day!  Too right, it truly is a sad comment on society! (*looks at watch*) …Have we discussed Mr. Gibson’s misogyny enough for the day? I do not wish to appear sexist.

For his part, Mel Gibson, who is reportedly undergoing therapy, responded, “HEY SUGARTITS, I GOT A SHOW IDEA FOR YA!! IT’S CALLED ‘WHO’S MORE OFFENDED,’ STARRING YOU, A VEGAS WHORE, THREE HEEBS, TWO WETBACKS, AND A PACK OF N***ERS!  WE START SHOOTING TONIGHT UNDERNEATH MY ROSE GARDEN, BUT BLOW ME FIRST!!! SOOOOOWEEEEEE!!!!  (*hits beaver puppet with baseball bat*) NICE TEETH, WHAT ARE YOU, A CHINAMAN?”

DAILY CIRCLE JERK LINKS

• How to be Macho Man Randy Savage: a practical guide. |Uproxx|
• Uh, so this ice cream vending machine, it can determine if you’re smiling, and if you smile enough, you get free ice cream. I… I don’t know, man. |GammaSquad|
• And now, Taiwan’s computer animated re-enactment of the Al Gore sexual allegations. F*ck, what did we do before the internet?  Burn witches? |WarmingGlow|
• Girl blows her vuvuzela at her dog, dog pees on her carpet.  In other news, I would hug the sh*t out of that dog. |WithLeather|
• Every time I look at this picture of Sad Keanu Moon, in my head I start singing the line “Andy did you hear about this one…”
• A handy guide to Farts.com’s Twitter page. |HolyTaco|
• Spank bank: Jenny P. |GorillaMask|
• The top 10 batsh*t insane Twilight moments. It must have been really hard to choose just 10. |Ranker|
• A look at bros icing bros throughout the history of cinema. |CollegeHumor|
• This t-shirt makes it easier than ever to do the truffle shuffle. |ScreenJunkies|
• Aussie 65-year-old named “World’s Hottest Grandma.” She’s lucky Helen Mirren never had kids.|Guyism|
• Live Gran Turismo 5 demo with Kazunori Yamauchi. |G4|

And finally, this headline makes my brain hurt:

If she’s bicurious, I’d suggest a date with Burrito Pants Captain America. |via OutofBounds|

Here’s Ebert testing out his computer voice in an Oprah segment. If they did this for Oprah, they’d need two programs.  One regular one, and one for when she talks black. |Videogum|

Best Worst Movie, a documentary about the cult popularity of Troll 2, is getting a theatrical release courtesy of the distributor behind Anvil.  I’d like to see Snooki maintain this kind of popularity after 20 years. |FilmSchoolRejects|

OH MY GOD IT’S A NEW PICTURE FROM TRON, HOLD MY MAN PURSE WHILE MY BUTTHOLE PROLAPSES! |SlashFilm|

Nicole Kidman is attached to The Wedding Doctor.  “Kidman would play a relationship analyst who advises couples on their interpersonal dynamics before they marry. But after she meets her latest clients, the doc decides she’d actually be a better match for the groom-to-be, triggering a showdown with his fiancée.”  Sounds like she’ll be channeling Nia Vardalos in her last movie.  Hey, she’s got the neck veins for it. |Vulture|

Hyundai can’t run the commercials for which they’d bought spots during the Oscars, because Jeff Bridges does the voiceover and he’s also a nominee, which is against Academy rules.  The Chinamen are not the issue here, dude.  Also, Dude, Chinamen is not the preferred nomenclature.  Hyundai is Korean. |AdAge|

Zach Galifianakis Interview Excerpt — Lupe Fiasco recently used your name in a rap lyric about his own greatness. How do you feel about that? I heard that. I haven’t heard the song. I will be happy when Dolly Parton uses me in a song, then I’ve made it. There are a lot of rap guys out there.  He said he was the “black rap Zach Galifianakis.” He should have said his name was Black Galifianakis. That would have been a better song. —- I would gay marry you so hard, Chad Farthouse. |NYMag|

Russell Brand is set to star in a remake of Dudley Moore’s Arthur.  I didn’t see that, but given it starred Dudley Moore and Russell Brand, I’m guessing it didn’t involve pulling a sword out of a rock. |THR|

Hope you’ll forgive the non-movie-related diversion on a Saturday, but I just walked by this at the newstand and had to post it.  The NY Post loves their aggressive headlines, but I think “WELCOME TO HELL, FIENDS!!” is a new high-water mark.  Sadly, using the postcard theme meant they had to cut the last part of the headline, which was “MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!”

The NY Post is so metal.