Pic via PacificCoastNews.com

Despite looking like a wiry speed freak who drinks hair gel and snorts embalming fluid, Brian Grazer is one of the biggest-name producers in town, and normally the type of guy who lets his movies do the talking. But today it’s starting to make a lot more sense that he hangs around with Brett Ratner.

Sidenote: Is this the best TMZ headline of all time?

‘Apollo 13′ Producer Brian Grazer — Fatass Man-Nanny Made My Kids Racist
Legendary producer Brian Grazer wants to strip his ex-wife of nanny-hiring powers — claiming the last “manny” she hired was a fat slob who turned their kids into little racists.
Grazer — who divorced his wife Gigi back in 2009 — filed the declaration in new legal docs, claiming the 20-something-year-old man she hired to look after their sons (aged 9 and 13) was the worst possible influence imaginable.
According to the docs, the manny in question was terribly educated, disrespectful toward Grazer and others, used extremely foul language and was also a racist.
Grazer says the manny resigned a few weeks ago, but Grazer still believes the bad habits have rubbed off on his kids.  The legal docs do not give specifics about the offensive things the manny and the kids said.
Grazer — who pays Gigi $40,000 a month in child support — also wants more visitation.

I was going to make fun of him for expecting his nanny to be educated, but for $40K a month you could hire a Harvard Professor. What do they play with in the tub, yachts?

Brian Grazer looks like exactly the kind of guy who would marry someone named “Gigi.”

Here it is, your headline of the day:

God bless the New York Post, doing the Lord’s work as always. The “EXCLUSIVE” is as funny as anything else. (*30s newscaster voice*) Doot doo doot dootoot doo doot… This just in! Lindsay Lohan dodges a burlap sack full of truck nutz hurled at the starlet by an obsessed fan! Back to you, Johnny!

Zac Efron was mortified to be caught hanging out at “Fantasy World” sex shop in NYC yesterday – even though he was just filming scenes for his new movie, “Are We Officially Dating.”

Jesus Christ, we already did “Friends with Benefits” and “No Strings Attached” THE SAME YEAR. How many different ways do we need to say “these two white people are f*cking”?

When he realized a photographer had caught a picture of him surrounded by an array of glowing dildos, Efron immediately halted shooting and rushed out to chase down the pap.

Interesting that they refer to a group of dildos as an “array.” Not a herd, a school, a murder, a gaggle, an armada? A quiver of dildos, perhaps? I like to pack my dildos like a medieval archer. Saves space.

“Zac was begging the guy to delete the pictures,” an eyewitness tells Page Six exclusively. “He kept telling him that he has so many young fans and he didn’t want them to see it.” The photog refused, so his reps were quick to publicize the news that it was simply a scene for the upcoming romantic comedy.

“Oh God, a grease fire! Quick, throw cognac on it”

But this isn’t the first time Efron has been caught in a similar situation: Back in 2008 he and then-girlfriend Vanessa Hudgens were photographed shopping for a blow-up sheep sex doll in Los Angeles. [NYPost]

Relevant. We need the Post for important trivia tidbits like that. And, to go with the obvious joke, just so I don’t have to read it 10 times in the comments, this doesn’t look like the kind of guy who’d be uncomfortable in a room full of penises:

You’ll have to excuse the non-movie-related digression once again, but given the banner image, I think you understand. ATTENTION, EVERYONE! THE BUTT COKE HAS GONE BAD! REPEAT, THE BUTT COKE! HAS GONE! BAD!

Both brothers were taken into custody on allegations they had drugs in their car.

TURNS OUT THEY WERE IN THE TRUNK! (*dodges tomato, keisters tomato for later*)

But police told Charleston, S.C., TV station WCIV there were additional drugs hidden in 23-year-old Deangelo Mitchell’s backside.
Officers said Deangelo Mitchell convinced his brother, 20-year-old Wayne Mitchell, to swallow the ounce of cocaine to hide the evidence. He died soon afterward.

(*pours butt coke out on ground*)

Deangelo Mitchell already bonded out of jail on the drug charge, but now police are looking for him again on charges of involuntary manslaughter. [WCYB]

Oh Lord, please tell me he’s also going to be charged with Assault with a Deadly Weapon. Someone’s butt being legally considered a deadly weapon would make this the feel-good death story of the century. We salute you, now-deceased, alleged butt-coke eater. You may be gone, but may your family be assuaged the anguish of their bereavement over your passing in the knowledge that you died for something greater than yourself, having laid the ultimate sacrifice upon the altar of butt coke. Forever and ever amen.

Perhaps they meant “brothers” not as in biological siblings, but more in the way black people use it, which is more meaningful, I think.

This poor guy. I imagine his friends at the funeral. “Wayne, you know Wayne was an amazing guy. Just so loyal. He was the kind of guy who’d give you the shirt right off his back. The kind of guy who’d eat cocaine out of your butt to keep from going to jail. He was just so selfless. Really, he’d bend over backwards to eat coke out of your butt. That’s just the kind of guy he was.”

As you can see, today’s NY Post cover is a model of serendipitous picture/headline juxtapositions. WALL STREET PROTESTS, ECONOMY COLLAPSING! PLUS, A FOOTLOOSE REMAKE! This is your life, America.

“Aw, yeah, girl. I’m fitna screw you like a sub-prime mortgage.”

“DAMN YOU, WALL STREET! WHY WON’T YOU LET US DANCE?”

I also like how he rolls up his t-shirt sleeves so we get a teaser of his massive guns. Nice, bro, I didn’t even have to buy tickets.

[Thanks for the find, Kofi]

UPDATE: As FilmDrunkard Russell points out: “The paper that you have in that picture is the Express, which is a free paper that gets passed out at Washington DC Metro stations. The Washington Post is a very different thing.” He’s write, I shouldn’t have taken the submitter’s word for it without checking. The Post does own Express, but the staff of the Post doesn’t write the articles. So sorry for all the misplaced sh*t talking, Washington Post.

I can’t even fathom how old and out of touch you’d have to be not to see the sexual connotations of this, even for someone working at the Washington Post. Really, this had to be an inside joke, right? RIGHT?!? I don’t even know what the hell this would mean if I DIDN’T interpret it as a sexual fetish. If the person who wrote this wasn’t in on the joke, he’s probably busy putting an onion on his belt and having the barber draw blood to flush out the bad humors right now. Meanwhile, this new method of taint cleaning sounds delightful. I’m throwing away my loofah this second. JEEVES, FETCH ME A FERRET! LOOFAHS ARE FOR POOR PEOPLE!

Just to make this movie related, I hear they’re planning a film adaptation of this story. I’m told Richard Gere has expressed interest in the part of the ferret. (*attempts to tapdance offstage, takes tomato to the groin*)

[BoingBoing]

Sidenote: We have an AP style book to tell us all how and when to write out numbers, when to use commas, and where to put punctuation in quotations, damn near everything but how to wipe your ass. Would it really be that hard to get on the same f*cking page when it comes to spelling the name of a famous dictator? Gadhafi, Gaddafi, Kaddafi, Qaddafi — HE’S A DUDE, NOT A KRAFT DINNER. STOP TRYING TO BRAND THAT SH*T. And who’s the asshole who thought, “I think it should be spelled with a Q without a U after it,”? That guy should be tarred and feathered and quartered and burned at the stake.