You’ll have to excuse the non-movie-related digression once again, but given the banner image, I think you understand. ATTENTION, EVERYONE! THE BUTT COKE HAS GONE BAD! REPEAT, THE BUTT COKE! HAS GONE! BAD!

Both brothers were taken into custody on allegations they had drugs in their car.

TURNS OUT THEY WERE IN THE TRUNK! (*dodges tomato, keisters tomato for later*)

But police told Charleston, S.C., TV station WCIV there were additional drugs hidden in 23-year-old Deangelo Mitchell’s backside.
Officers said Deangelo Mitchell convinced his brother, 20-year-old Wayne Mitchell, to swallow the ounce of cocaine to hide the evidence. He died soon afterward.

(*pours butt coke out on ground*)

Deangelo Mitchell already bonded out of jail on the drug charge, but now police are looking for him again on charges of involuntary manslaughter. [WCYB]

Oh Lord, please tell me he’s also going to be charged with Assault with a Deadly Weapon. Someone’s butt being legally considered a deadly weapon would make this the feel-good death story of the century. We salute you, now-deceased, alleged butt-coke eater. You may be gone, but may your family be assuaged the anguish of their bereavement over your passing in the knowledge that you died for something greater than yourself, having laid the ultimate sacrifice upon the altar of butt coke. Forever and ever amen.

Perhaps they meant “brothers” not as in biological siblings, but more in the way black people use it, which is more meaningful, I think.

This poor guy. I imagine his friends at the funeral. “Wayne, you know Wayne was an amazing guy. Just so loyal. He was the kind of guy who’d give you the shirt right off his back. The kind of guy who’d eat cocaine out of your butt to keep from going to jail. He was just so selfless. Really, he’d bend over backwards to eat coke out of your butt. That’s just the kind of guy he was.”

As you can see, today’s NY Post cover is a model of serendipitous picture/headline juxtapositions. WALL STREET PROTESTS, ECONOMY COLLAPSING! PLUS, A FOOTLOOSE REMAKE! This is your life, America.

“Aw, yeah, girl. I’m fitna screw you like a sub-prime mortgage.”

“DAMN YOU, WALL STREET! WHY WON’T YOU LET US DANCE?”

I also like how he rolls up his t-shirt sleeves so we get a teaser of his massive guns. Nice, bro, I didn’t even have to buy tickets.

[Thanks for the find, Kofi]

UPDATE: As FilmDrunkard Russell points out: “The paper that you have in that picture is the Express, which is a free paper that gets passed out at Washington DC Metro stations. The Washington Post is a very different thing.” He’s write, I shouldn’t have taken the submitter’s word for it without checking. The Post does own Express, but the staff of the Post doesn’t write the articles. So sorry for all the misplaced sh*t talking, Washington Post.

I can’t even fathom how old and out of touch you’d have to be not to see the sexual connotations of this, even for someone working at the Washington Post. Really, this had to be an inside joke, right? RIGHT?!? I don’t even know what the hell this would mean if I DIDN’T interpret it as a sexual fetish. If the person who wrote this wasn’t in on the joke, he’s probably busy putting an onion on his belt and having the barber draw blood to flush out the bad humors right now. Meanwhile, this new method of taint cleaning sounds delightful. I’m throwing away my loofah this second. JEEVES, FETCH ME A FERRET! LOOFAHS ARE FOR POOR PEOPLE!

Just to make this movie related, I hear they’re planning a film adaptation of this story. I’m told Richard Gere has expressed interest in the part of the ferret. (*attempts to tapdance offstage, takes tomato to the groin*)

[BoingBoing]

Sidenote: We have an AP style book to tell us all how and when to write out numbers, when to use commas, and where to put punctuation in quotations, damn near everything but how to wipe your ass. Would it really be that hard to get on the same f*cking page when it comes to spelling the name of a famous dictator? Gadhafi, Gaddafi, Kaddafi, Qaddafi — HE’S A DUDE, NOT A KRAFT DINNER. STOP TRYING TO BRAND THAT SH*T. And who’s the asshole who thought, “I think it should be spelled with a Q without a U after it,”? That guy should be tarred and feathered and quartered and burned at the stake.

It seems the Weiner pun headlines have finally reached the Baba Booey stage of their life cycle, where it wasn’t funny the first thousand times, but now it’s finally starting to come back around to being funny again. Yes, that’s today’s real cover. |NYPost|

MORNING LINKS

RELATED: Here’s a bunch of news anchors all saying “Weiner.” |WarmingGlow|

Meme Watch: The Best Of Hipster Edits [Uproxx]

Jack Donaghy For Mayor And The Best Of Fictional Character Political Posters [Uproxx]

On X-Men, Race Relations & The Elephant In The Room [TSS]

There’s still time to enter the giveaway for Green Lantern Collectible MIMOBOT USB Drives [GammaSquad]

The Best Of The Miss Germany Contest [WithLeather]

‘Game of Thrones’ Has Big Balls [WarmingGlow]

Check out last week’s frotcast, where we say funny things with Brandon Mendelson. This week’s episode is gonna blow your dick off. |Frotcast|

The pug centipede. |Buzzfeed|

Martial arts moves or meth freakouts?  You be the judge. |GorillaMask|

Tom Cruise is looking dapper in his straw fedora and B.U.M. sweatpants. |Videogum|

Tori Spelling crashes car while being chased by paparazzi. I hope that by “paparazzi” she means “bees.” |TheSuperficial|

Lindsay Lohan’s house arrest looks rough. Just the way she likes it. |WWTDD|

Holy Taco’s 2011 commencement speech. |HolyTaco|

Bruce Greenwood discusses his secret role in Super 8. |ScreenJunkies|

Rate this NYC subway brawl. |NYCStool|

A New Type of Illuminati [Unreality]

Bad Medicine: The Most Incompetent TV Doctors [UGO]

Who Wants to Watch Chris Bosh Cry While Heading into the Locker Room? [Brobible]

Prisoner-Themed Band Makes Prisoner-Themed Video for Prisoner-Themed Song [ToplessRobot]

NOMINATE FOR COMMENTS OF THE WEEK HERE.  FAN FILMDRUNK ON FACEBOOK AND WIN A BILLION DOLLARS.

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Not surprisingly, Thor topped the box office this weekend, earning an estimated $66 million from just under 4,000 domestic locations.  Even less surprisingly, this was deemed a perfect occasion for headline writers across the country to unveil pound home their finest “hammer” pun.  Here’s a small sampling (seriously, there were way more than this):

• Thor movie hammers US competition – BBC
• Box Office: Thor Hammers Out a Decent Summer Opening -FilmSchoolRejects
• Box office report: ‘Thor’ hammers out a $66 million opening -EntertainmentWeekly
• BOX OFFICE: Thor Hammers, Fast Five Slows Down, Women Go To Romcoms
  -InsidePulse
• Thor Hammers Competition with Mighty $66 Million Opening -Indiewire
• Box Office: ‘Thor’ hammers $25.7 million to reach no. 1 Friday -Hitfix
• ‘Thor’ hammers out superhero movie with humor -Fwdailynews
• ‘Thor’ hammers viewers with flashy 3-D effects -WashingtonTimes
• Thor Hammers Competition With $66 Million Opening -Business2Community
• Thor hammers home his power -FreeMalaysiaToday
• ‘Thor’ hammers competition with $66M opening -TheHindu
• ‘Thor’ hammers out $66M weekend -UPI
• Thor hammers home the fun -San Antonio Express
• ‘Thor’ hammers home the summer’s first comic book blockbuster -Frederick
  NewsPost
• Movie review: ‘Thor’ launches the summer movie season with a hammer
  -SaltLakeTribune
• Thor Hammers the Hype Machine – E! Online
• ‘Thor’s’ hammer lands in theaters with thud -Journal and Courier
• Weekend Receipts: Thor Hammers The Box Office Competition -Movieline
• “Thor” Hammers the Box Office -ComicBookResources
• ‘Thor’ hammers competition with $66M opening -8newsNow
• Thor Hammers The Box Office -Miami CBS Local
• Mächtiges vom Asgard-Krieger: Thors Hammer und mehr -Eibenwald

And my personal favorite:

• Explosion heard in Abbottabad…To higher ground…Thor hammers it
  -9&10News

And that’s to say nothing of the “Thor pounds…” puns. WORDPLAY, MOTHERF*CKER! But don’t begrudge them their puns.  If you work for E! or EntertainmentWeekly, that could be the most fun you have all week.  This just in! An actor had a workout regimen for a movie!

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