This new trailer for I Love You, Beth Cooper plays like a mashup of everything I hate in the world, which I guess makes sense since it’s a Fox movie.  They’re apparently trying to sell us Hayden whatserface as a sex symbol in a movie that looks like it came from the cutting room floor of the fifth direct-to-DVD American Pie sequel.

Remember when we were kids and the heroes of high school movies were cool?  Remember how Ferris Bueller was funny and smart and had a hot girlfriend and everyone liked him, and Marty McFly beat up bullies and shredded on guitar?  Now all kids have to look up to are pussy emo vampires, underground MMA fighters with armband tats, and awkward, hateful nerds who make lame jokes and reference movies that came out before they were born.  And when did all the guys become passive twats and all the girls desperate sluts?  I swear to God, one of these days I’m gonna drive down to Fox and wedgie everyone who walks in the building.  Soon as I find my pants.

Heroes stars are second only to the High School Musical cast when it comes to “famous” people I’ve never seen before.  Apparently that’s where this Hayden chick is from.  Anyway, she’s in talks to star in I Love You Beth Cooper with Mrs. Doubtfire-director Chris Columbus.

Panettiere would play the titular [hehe] character, a comely [hee hee!] cheerleader who is the object of a nerdy valedictorian’s obsession [mmm, tasty… wait, what?]. They embark on a series of misadventures after he proclaims his love for her in his graduation speech. [Variety]

It’s nice to see these young actresses really stretching themselves.  Ellen Page, sassy.  Hayden Panatatttierrr, cheerleader.  Meanwhile, I’ll be reprising my role as the mysterious movie blogger with a heart of gold and a penis that cures sadness. 

According to her Wiki page, Hayden began modeling professionally at 5 months old.  She began acting at 11 months, presumably after purging breast milk all over her crib in an effort to fit into those brutally thin sample-size diapers.  I bet she had a really healthy childhood.  In other news, I got fired from Starbuck’s when I was 24 and got a job as a porn editor.  I’m a success, ma!