A photoshop as skillfull as this project

I let this story slip under the radar when it broke a few days ago, so thanks to ThePlaylist for the reminder.   The story is that Hayden Christensen, after having his career destroyed by George Lucas dialogue, is starring in, I swear I’m not making this up, “The Genesis Code.”  Hmm, that sounds like a total rip-off of the Da Vinci Code it’s tapping into a proven market hungry for this type of story.  It’s set to be directed by David R. Ellis (Snakes on a Plane, The Final Destination).

The story follows a former national security expert, played by Christensen, who, while investigating the murder of his only sister and her young son, discovers that a religious sect called The Shadow of the Cross may be involved. With the help of his sister’s friend Ana, they follow the clues to a clinic in the mountains of Italy, where a terrifying secret experiment has been conducted – successfully. The results are so threatening to the foundation of the Church that they will do anything to keep it from being revealed. [Collider]

See, the key to tapping into a proven market is to just take elements of the original and rename it so that it’s more obvious what it is.  Da Vinci Code —> The Genesis Code. The Illuminati —> Shadow of the Cross.  Wall E —> The Curious Trash Robot.  Tom Hanks —> Hayden Christensen.  Oh, but the lulz don’t end there.  Come with me after the jump if you want to read some awesomely asinine press release quotes.
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At ease, sailors. I’ve got just the thing to brighten up a dreary, borderline suicidal Monday. That’s right, it’s the new international trailer for Takers.  Ever wondered what would happen if you remade Ocean’s 11 in the style of The Fast and the Furious and replaced George Clooney with Paul Walker?  You probably haven’t, but still. Takers may star Chris Brown, Hayden Christensen, and that other black guy.  I’m so excited about this that I’m putting a cup of coffee in the microwave and setting the timer to the time between now and when tickets for this go on sale, that way when it’s finally time, the coffee will be really hot, and I can pour it on my crotch so I know I’m not dreaming. I can’t wait.

True story: Paul Walker has a dwarf inside him controlling his movements with pulleys and levers. They say his reaction speed is really improving.

(“Aw yeah, how you like my Photoshop, playa?”)

When I first read the news that Hayden Christensen and Djimon Hounsou would be co-starring in Mandrake the Magician, I thought “Haha, that’s funny, who cares.”  But then I read the EXTREME SYNOPSIS.  (*chugs energy drink*)

Jackson Mandrake lives life on the edge [OOH WHA-AA-AA-A!]. Working as an underground magician and escapologist [TICK TICK TICK!], his act has grown increasingly dangerous. Following a daring escape from an SUV that has been dropped out of an plane at the Burning Man Festival [LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOOR], he is coerced by the CIA into breaking a deep-cover agent named Xi Shing Lung [Chow Yun-Fat?] out of a maximum security jail. Hypnosis, contortion, distraction and technical wizardry all come into play as Mandrake breaks the agent out from the inside within a 24-hour deadline.

But back on the outside, Mandrake learns that it was all a set-up. Xi is a CIA agent gone bad. He offers Mandrake the chance to join his crime ring. When Mandrake refuses, he’s a marked man. He must escape his would-be-killers and also the real CIA who accuse him of being in league with Xi. His quest to clear his name leads him into all sorts of dangers, which he must overcome with daredevil escapes that require all his conjuring skills. And along the way, Mandrake is forced to confront his past and the girl he left behind… [ComingSoon]

(*flies by on a dirt bike doing motorcross tricks*)

……Thiiiis souuunds gaaaaaaaaay……

The dorkosphere is up in arms about a rumor that Hayden Christensen has been cast as the lead in a movie adaptation of William Gibson’s "cyberpunk" novel, Neuromancer.

Neuromancer tells the story of Case, an out-of-work computer hacker hired by a mysterious patron to participate in a seemingly impossible crime. The novel examines the concepts of artificial intelligence, virtual reality, genetic engineering, multinational corporations overpowering the traditional nation-state and cyberspace long before these ideas became fashionable in popular culture including the internet itself. 

The most amazing part about the novel is that it managed to rip off The Matrix ten years before The Matrix came out.  Science Fiction! 

Anyway, movie bloggers are all pissed off about Hayden Christensen being cast because he was in Star Wars 1-3.  I don’t really know if he’s a good actor or not, but I know no actor can look good reading a script with lines like, "Oh Ani, how you’ve grown!" 

Poor guy’s getting a bad rap because George Lucas went to the Alf-like dork school of expository dialogue writing. In fact, I recently read in Popular Mechanics that George Lucas is the most overrated human being since Mother Theresa, that uppity twat. 

Here’s the recently-premiered full trailer for Jumper. I was all set to make fun of James Franco from couple posts ago when I realized it’s actually Hayden Christensen in this one. Still, I think the distinction is more or less useless.

A genetic anomaly allows a young man to teleport himself anywhere. He discovers this gift has existed for centuries and finds himself in a war that has been raging for thousands of years between "Jumpers" and those who have sworn to kill them. From the director of The Bourne Identity and Mr. and Mrs. Smith — Jumper hits theaters February 15, 2008. [YouTube] 

Also check out interviews from the premiere after the jump.  Nothing better than Sam Jackson getting asked why he chose a certain project.  Every answer should be, “BECAUSE THEY PAID ME, MUTHERF*!CKA!  I WILL SHOW UP ATCHO MUTHAF$!CKIN’ HOUSE IF YOU SHOW ME THE MONEY!  I’LL EAT CAT SHIT FOR TEN DOLLARS!  I DARE YOU, I DOUBLE DARE YOU, MUTHAF*#CKA, PAY ME TEN DOLLARS TO EAT A CAT TURD!”