I don’t know what to make of this Variety article, because it says “nothing is set in stone,” and some of the facty statements are prefaced by awesomely unattributable phrases like “it’s said,” but it seems to suggest that Paramount might shoot Transformers 4 and 5 back-to-back. No matter who said it, the fact that anyone might want to do that seems newsworthy in itself. Try to figure this out with me.

Hasbro chief Brian Goldner said during a Monday third-quarter earnings call that the toymaker is in “active discussions” with Paramount, Michael Bay and Steven Spielberg on how to move forward. Sources close to the planning process tell Variety two films could be headed into production.

Yes, an exec at a toy company is active in pre-production discussions for a film. Sad as that is, it’s even sadder that none of us are surprised.

Paramount is considering lensing its fourth and fifth films without pause. Nothing is set in stone, but screenwriter Ehren Kruger is said to have an idea for the next installments that the studio is high on, and has only begun engaging with writers.

And he wrote the second and third ones, so I’m sure this will be just as great.

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Battleship (with its rumored $200 million budget) doesn’t open for almost another year (May 2012), and already the other BOARD GAME ADAPTATIONS (I still can’t f*cking believe I’m typing that phrase) are dropping like flies. Three weeks ago, Universal dropped its plan to remake/adapt Clue, and now they’ve dropped the Ouija board movie set to be produced by Michael Bay and directed by McG. Why, it’s almost as if someone at Universal actually heard the words “an Ouija board movie directed by McG.”

The project had been set up at the studio since 2008, when Universal signed a rather aggressive deal with the world’s second-largest toymaker to develop Hasbro and Milton Bradley properties like Candy Land, Stretch Armstrong, Battleship, and Ouija into film titles. Most recently, screenwriter Simon Kinberg (Sherlock Holmes) had taken a pass at the Ouija script under the supervision of McG, who envisioned it as a big-budget Jumanji-like family fantasy, but apparently to no avail.

So strange that they wouldn’t want it. I mean, what better purpose could movies serve than to resurrect dead children’s toys? “This summer, from the mind of M. Night Shyamalan… POGS… in 3D!”

Insiders say that Bay and McG are taking meetings with other studios next week to drum up interest. (Paramount Pictures, with whom producer Bay has an obvious longstanding relationship from directing Hasbro’s Transformers franchise, is said to have passed on taking over the project.)

Assuming it ever does get made (it won’t), I can’t wait for the inevitable Entertainment Weekly cover story about what heroes McG and Michael Bay are for putting aside greed to make the two-hour toy commercial they always believed in.
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Here’s the trailer for “Michael Bay’s Angry Birds” that’s been going around for the last two days.  It already has more than two million views, because haha, wouldn’t it be great if Hollywood did something that stupid???  That’s just like them!  NO.  SHUT UP.  It’s not funny to do a parody of a pointless adaptation anymore, because no matter how stupid of a non-movie thing adaptation you dream up, it’s all but GUARANTEED that something TWICE AS STUPID is already ACTUALLY IN DEVELOPMENT.  For one thing, execs at Rovio, the makers of Angry Birds, were already meeting with Hollywood execs about a movie adaptation back in August.  So your facetious idea for an Angry Birds movie?  Yeah, it’s already being discussed.  Now shut up, you’re just encouraging them.

Further proving my point, the Hollywood Reporter today reports that the Candyland movie (!!!!) has picked up both a director, Kevin Lima of Enchanted, and writers Jonathan Aibel and Glenn Burger of Kung Fu Panda.  I’m going to post a block quote now. I hope the stupid isn’t contagious.

The board game, which was set up at Universal when it made its six-year deal with Hasbro in 2008, has a story centered around finding the lost king of Candy Land. The players wind their way through enchanted lands such as Candy Cane Forest and Gum Drop Mountain, see characters such as Princess Frostine and Gramma Nutt as well as the evil Lord Licorice who can make players lose a turn.

I hope Nic Cage plays the mysterious King of Candyland. They say he’s gone native. They eventually find him, sitting on a throne made of lolly skulls, surrounded by Gingerbread Peoples’ corpses hanging from trees like Candy Canes, wearing a rock candy helmet over his enormous skull.  “You’re an errand boy, sent by grocery clerks to collect a bill.”  Then C-Tates will do a pop and lock number intercut with a cow being slaughtered, it rains skittles, and everyone blows their brains out.

Casting Updates:

According to Variety, Rihanna will be making her acting debut in Battleship, the Peter Berg-directed, Universal-Hasbro co-production based on, yes, the board game. Set to co-star Alexander Skaaaaåaårsgååärd of True Blood and Taylor “The Canadian Gambit” Kitsch, last we heard, the premise was an international, five-ship fleet engaged an intense naval battle with… aliens.  They don’t say what role Rihanna will play, but I’m guessing a super-hot special forces agent, or a nuclear physicist in tight leather pants.  Or perhaps the admirella, ella, ella, ella, eh eh eh this sucks.

Tom Hardy has replaced Sam Worthington opposite Chris Pine in This Means War.  Sounds good so far, right?  Bursting onto the scene with Bronson and following it up with Inception, Hardy has been getting near-universal rave reviews for his acting, not to mention being total dreamboat.  For his part, Pine managed to out-lovable-rogue Shatner as Captain Kirk in Star Trek, no small feat.  And now for the bad news.  This is a McG project. Here’s what we knew last time I wrote about it, when Seth Rogen was being considered for the role:

The story follows two best buddies whose friendship is put to the test when a woman moves into their spare room. As they fight for her affections, New York City is literally left demolished in their wake — including such landmarks as the Empire State Building and the Statue of Liberty.  Rogen and Pine are being considered for the role of FDR (a character named after the late President because his parents had high hopes for him) — after James Franco officially passed [and Brad Cooper dropped out because of a "scheduling issue."] TheWrap

If the world were fair and you went into a pitch meeting and said, “Hancock and My Super Ex-Girlfriend meets Bride Wars as directed by McG,” you’d leave covered tar, feathers, and stab wounds, like after a Danny Trejo barbecue.  Just say no, Tom.

(*breathes into paper bag*)

Folks, nothing makes me feel like reality is all just a cruel hallucination like reading about the latest Hasbro film project in development.  Whether it be Magic 8-Ball, Candyland, Battleship, Risk, Ouija Board oh God I just farted blood.  I can’t even fathom the mindset that could think this is a good idea. Could spending millions of dollars on these really be cheaper than coming up with a new toy?  Would a movie studio actually PAY a toy company for the right to make a two-hour commercial for THEIR toy?  The very questions make my head hurt (that I’m also slamming it in a car door right now could be a factor).

Destroy our faith in humanity, Pajiba:

What better way to exploit all of the Hasbro miscellanea than to rip off Night of the Museum? We’ve learned exclusively, via The Hollywood Cog, that that’s exactly what Paramount and Hasbro are doing: Developing a movie called Hasbro Factory, which is being described as Night at the Museum inside a Hasbro Factory, which also makes it something akin to Toy Story with only Hasbro Toys. The details we have are scant — it’s out to writers at the moment. We don’t even know which toys will make it into the final movie, or if the board games on which other movies are being based will make crossover appearances, but in either respect, it’s really silly to be talking about the possibility of the Battleship Board Game making an appearance in a movie with the Play-Doh man. But that’s the state we’re in right now.

F*ck. It’s strange, whenever I try to imagine one of these toy movies, all I can picture is that Shake Weight commercial.

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