Sorry if I just spoiled “The Dark Knight” for you.

The Ministers is yet another ”inspired by true events” crime story set in New York.  That’s amazing.  Almost no movie or TV show ever fits that descript–*record scratch* Two John Leguizamos?  Okay, I’m listening . . .

John Leguizamo gives a tour-de-force performance as fanatical vigilante twins, hell-bent to exact revenge for the death of their parents and brother. But their plans become undone when one of the twins becomes involved with a beautiful police detective investigating a series of murders. [Ed.- Of course he does.] ”The Ministers” features Harvey Keitel [Ed.- Of course it does.], as senior detective Joe Bruno, who takes police detective Celeste Santana under his wing. [Ed.- Of course he does.] Celeste (played with deep emotional range by Florencia Lozano) links the recent murders with the murder of her police detective father. [Ed.- Of course she does.] Celeste’s investigation and the twins’ vigilante actions begin to converge. [Ed.- Of course they do.] Detective Santana is restrained by her chief, [Ed.- Of course she is.] Captain Diaz (Wanda De Jesus). But the will to solve these crimes and find the link to the death of her father is too great and leads to an inevitable confrontation with the twins. [Ed.- Of course it does.] [LatinoReview]

This movie is every cop drama ever, but with two John Leguizamos.  I can’t handle it.  I’m turning in my badge and my gun.

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From the guys that brought you Ben Kingsley rocking out to Minor Threat comes a new video, starring Bill Hader of SNL in an homage to Harvey Keitel in Bad Lieutenant.  It’s definitely not as good as Kingsley doing Ian McKaye (you can’t compete with Special K), but it does give me a mega-rigid nerd boner for the Nic Cage/Werner Herzog/Xzibit/Val Kilmer version coming out next year.  I would drink that movie’s bath water.
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The upcoming issue of Details has a nice interview with Ridley Scott, who seems refreshingly not full of shit. One of the highlights is his story about surprising the actors on Alien.

Every director devises their own methodology. By the time I got to do my first feature, in ’77, The Duellists, which was with a certain tough guy called Harvey Keitel … He was what they call Actors Studio and all that—Method acting and that kind of thing. Method? I told him I have a method too. I had absolutely no idea what the f-ck he was talking about, and I think he had no idea what the f-ck I was talking about.

By the time I got to the chest-bursting scene in Alien, I figured if they see the little bastard lying there on the table it’s going to look pretty pathetic, so I’m going to hold it back from them. I knew it would only work once, but I only wanted one take anyway. The ship doctor says, “This is serious,” and jumps on the table, because he thinks he’s got food in his gullet. We’ve got the air lines filled with blood, and then suddenly the chest goes BAM! Wallop—the son of a bitch came out. And they all go, “F-ck!” They thought it had gone wrong, because there was blood spurting everywhere, but they just kept running with it, until one of them started to shriek with laughter, and then it was over. [Source]

Ahh yes, the old surprise-the-cast-with-an-alien-in-the-chest-cavity trick.  It’s something Harvey Keitel must’ve taken to heart, since he surprised the audience with his cock in pretty much every movie he was in after The Duellists. Read the rest of this entry »

A while back I reported the awesome-sounding news that Werner Herzog would be remaking Harvey Keitel classic Bad Lieutenant with Nic Cage in the lead role.  Today, the German director is saying it’s not a remake.

"No, it’s not a remake," he told us quite adamantly. "You have to delete that from your memory, though we may not be able to delete it from public perception. It’s like I keep saying, ‘A James Bond film, the newest one, is not a remake of the previous one; it’s a completely different story.’

Yes, that’s called a sequel.  Once you’re familiar with the language, you can use a single word, like "banana", rather than having to say "it’s like a phallic yellow apple".

"It only has a corrupt policeman as the central character and that’s about it."

So… you’re making a movie with the same title and same basic plot as another, but we’re the idiots for thinking they’re somehow related?  But tell us, Werner, who’s on first?    

"You won’t be able to make it clear, because it will perpetuate itself," he lamented when it was suggested that word might get out that this is a different movie. "Once a notion like this is out, you can never correct it. Of course, it’s very fascinating to work with Nicolas Cage, he really wanted me to be the director on this film. It can’t get any better." [ComingSoon]

The only part of that I understood was the part about him wanting to work with Nic Cage.  I need to go lie down.

Image/Millennium Films has announced a remake of the Harvey Keitel cult classic Bad Lieutenant, to be directed by Werner Herzog, starring Nic Cage in the title role. 

Now, before we go all Lou Dobbs on this one, I’d like to point out the numerous parallels between this project and the Wicker Man remake, perhaps the most breathtakingly awesome shitty movie in the history of cinema.

Wicker Man Remake: based on critically acclaimed 1973 cult horror classic
Bad Lieutenant Remake: based on critically acclaimed 1992 cult NC-17 classic
WMR: Directed by respected indie director of Nurse Betty and In the Company of Men
BLR: Directed by respected indie director of Grizzly Man and Rescue Dawn
WMR: Included many scenes of hilarious violence against women, including Nic Cage knocking out a female bartender, kicking Lelee Sobieski against a wall, and of course, punching out a woman whilst dressed as a bear
BLR: Remake of a movie about a character who "takes a twisted delight in humiliating women."
WMR: Nic Cage
BLR: Nic Cage
WMR: "Not the bees!"
BLR: Locusts?  Centipedes?  Dragonflies?  Crotch ferrets?  Oh my God I have a huge boner right now.

Additional trivia: Original Bad Lieutenant director Abel Ferrara previously directed a film called The 9 Lives of a Wet Pussy, and an episode of Miami Vice entitled "The Dutch Oven."  (Check some video of what we’re dealing with after the jump)