A British cat was abandoned when its owners failed to realize how awesome it would be to have a cat that looks like a Harry Potter villain.  It’s sad, people can be so shortsighted I mean cruel.

“A cat which scared off potential owners because he looked too much like Harry Potter villain Lord Voldemort has finally found a new home. Vets had removed both his ears and nose in a bid to clear him of skin cancer. Although the operation was a success, poor Charlie was left bearing an uncanny resemblance to the evil character played by Ralph Fiennes in the films. Harry Potter fan Sarah Gaden was just one of thousands of people who fell in love with Charlie after reading his heart-wrenching story. Miss Gaden, who lives in Worthing, West Sussex, said: “When I read his heart-breaking story I fell in love with him immediately and was desperate to give him a loving home.” [Telegraph]

That reminds me of this time we found a cripple kid at a bus stop that we thought looked just like Darth Maul from Star Wars. We took him home and shaved his head and superglued some horns to his scalp, but then when we were done, it turned out he didn’t even really look like Darth Maul, we were just super high.  Life’s funny like that.

I’m not a huge Harry Potter fan (went through a boy wizard phase a few years ago, but that’s about as far as it goes), but I think I would be if it was more like this.  Everyone should make angry mouth sound effects while they shoot. |Imylikecrazy|

MORNING LINKS

The best supercuts and mashups of all of 2010.  Deal with it. |Uproxx|

Who’s leading the internet horse race?  Is it Sarah Jessica Parker? |UproxxNews|

Important story from yesterday: Buried screenwriter found guilty of being a douche. |FD|

Americans watch an average of 34 hours of TV per week. Jesus, that’s more than Europeans work. |WarmingGlow|

Here’s ASDF the Movie III. I don’t get it. |GorillaMask|

Surprise, surprise, Lindsay Lohan is NOT staying in rehab. |WWTDD|

25 pictures of Courtney Love looking wasted. |HolyTaco|

Pajiba’s 10 most scathingest reviews of 2010. |Pajiba|

Top 10 Adult Swim characters that refuse to die. |AdultSwim|

An important, three-minute instructional video about being a nerd. |TheDailyWhat|

Pictured: This hands-free sandwich holder “is like a sandwich bluetooth.” It’s all fun and games until Bob Dylan starts trying to play harmonica into a French dip. |via DailyWhat|

A couple of prude-ass sluts are suing Brett Favre for being too awesome. |BostonBarstoolSports|

If “True Grit” makes you love Westerns, here are 10 essentials for true fans |Fark|

10 Funniest commercials of 2010. |Gunaxin|

Girls want to kill Selena Gomez for dating Justin Bieber.  See?  I told you that Bieber chick was a total lez. |ScreenJunkies|

Banjo Patterson in “C*ntquake” leads the nominees for the Rob Delaney awards. |RobDelaney|

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Back in my day, if a man wanted to play the popcorn trick on himself during a screening of a children’s film about boy wizards, that was a man’s right.  He wasn’t hurting anybody.  That was what we called “the pursuit of happiness.”  Well not in Obama’s America.  The Nanny State wants the government to control everything — Four Loko, McDonald’s Happy Meals, and now, it seems, your wiener.

At approximately 1:10pm, the Bluffton [South Carolina] Police Department responded to Sea Turtle Cinemas, [responding to a 911 call about] an individual that was exposing himself in the movie theater.

When officers arrived, they were directed by theater employees to a projection booth, which was playing a Harry Potter movie.  From this location, they were able to look into the back row and observe a white male touching his exposed genitals. Officers then entered the theater and identified the suspect as Alexander Ofner, 39.  Ofner was arrested for Indecent Exposure and transported to the Beaufort County Detention Center to await bond hearing. [Police Report via TSG]

Wow, dodged another bullet there, eh, Florida?  Anyway, I don’t see what the problem was.  I mean, he sat in the back row.  If you ask me, this sounds like a second amendment issue more than anything else.

Our buddy awkward Josh over at MTV recently did this fun little interview with the cast of Harry Potter and the Whatever with Wizards and Crap, where he tests their ability to speak American.  Of the four, Daniel Radcliffe (the creepy dark-haired one), Tom Felton (the creepy blond one), Rupert Grint (the creepy redhead), and Emma Watson (sugart*ts), I’d say Rupert Grint displays the most competence, which is probably for the best, since he’s a ginger and no one will ever love him.  You’d think Emma Watson would have an advantage since she goes to college in the US, but you have to remember that she goes to Brown, and everyone there has an affected, phony European accent like Madonna.

And as an Italian-American, I’m a little offended that one of the American phrases wasn’t “HEY! I’M WALKIN’ HERE, JERK OFF!”  We’re the grease that keeps this rich tapestry looking shiny, dammit.

Haha, Fauntleroy over here thinks “Boo-Ya” is a restaurant!  Yeah, buddy, just take the lorrie lift down to the loo and they’ll serve you up a fresh KNUCKLE SANDWICH you can take back to the queen.  USA! USA! USA! USA!

Anyone who’s been to college knows that there are about a billion sports in which you could participate, even if you’re an albino asthmatic with a severe peanut allergy.  Yet brave souls all across New England decided that their private schools’ sports offerings had too many minorities and not enough wands. Thus was born competitive Quidditch.  Yes, from Harry Potter.  As I reported previously, the Quidditch World Cup (aka the Olympics of Private School) took place in New York this weekend.  NYMag was there to witness it first hand.

Quidditch — or Muggle Quidditch, as it’s technically called — is a glorified mash-up of dodgeball, basketball, and rugby. Players run down the pitch trying to toss the quaffle (a kickball) through the goal (a hula hoop taped onto a jerry-rigged PVC-pipe stand).

Baska-what?  Ohhhh, you mean muggle basketball. Now I understand.

They’re doing all of this more or less one-handed. The other is always on that phallic piece of wood they’re straddling. (If your broom touches the ground, you’re taken out of the action for fifteen seconds as you simulate the time it would take for a wizard to fall to the ground.)

Within an hour, several people have already been carted off the field with injuries. Two players collided so viciously that one spit out his mouthguard along with a few tablespoons of blood. The woman on the other side of the collision was lying on the ground with her head split open. Volunteer medics rushed over, chanted a Ferula spell, and bandaged her forehead.

You think that’s bad, three quiffles from Sarah Lawrence suffered strained scarves. Meanwhile, Hoyt Velez-Twinklemoss found out natural grass makes him wheeze!

Amid the games, hundreds of fans milled about. Some are wearing shirts that say, “I got 99 problems but a snitch ain’t one.”

You hear that?  I think Jay-Z just blew his brains out.

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