Courtesy of Harry at AICN, here are five minutes of Roland Emmerich’s 2012.  For which Harry’s headline is “5 Bugnuts Insane Wholly Beetledick Wow Minutes!”  Seriously, the guy writes like Japanese ad copy translated into English with Babelfish*.  Do you think he means the wow minutes are wholly beetledick?  Or was he trying to shout “holy beetledick”?  I guess it’s best just to move on.

Anyway, the video.  It… is beyond ludicrous.  It makes Transformers 2 look like a nature documentary.  They drive through LA in a limo while the EVERYTHING COLLAPSES and all of a sudden they’re DRIVING THROUGH A SMASHING BUILDING!  And then suddenly, they’re IN AN AIRPLANE FOR SOME REASON!!  Why are they flying so low to the ground?? SO THEY CAN SEE THE SMASHING!!  And then, and then… JESUS’S ARMS FALL OFF HIS BODY IN BRAZIL!  Why would just his arms fall off?  BECAUSE ASTEROIDS AND MONEY!   God, this looks amazing.  I guarantee you right now, Roland Emmerich is watching tsunami footage and wearing a ball gag while his mistress stomps on his nuts and makes explosion sounds.

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Sylvester Stallone and Harry Knowles from AICN have a special relationship, in that Sly sends Harry videos of himself working out and Harry gushes about Sly “sweating and glistening.”  So it’s no surprise that Sly gave Harry the scoop on the plot of Rambo 5 (which doesn’t have to do with Mexico or human trafficking, as originally reported).  Here’s the audio clip, in which Sly’s voice sounds like a normal person with the tape slowed down.  Here’s what Sly says:

“Hey Harry it’s Sly, thanks for posting that.  But I think there’s been some slight confusion regarding all the talkbacks.  I think the majority of these individuals misunderstood, it’s not a Universal Soldier, it’s not me fighting a soldier, it’s actually me fighting a feral beast.  It’s uh, a thing.   An amalgamation of fury and intelligence, and pure unadulterated rage.  It’s before men, became hu-men.  It’s when they were still in-humen. And what he confronts is something that is everyone’s virtual nightmare.  So in no sense of the word does he go against quote, the Dolph Lundgren or Jean-Claude Van Damme universal super-soldier.  He’s going against a feral beast, that has absolute cunning and intelligence and a will to survive that is only matched by Rambo’s, and that’s what makes it uniquely different.  It’s like man’s conscience fighting his dark, dangerous, uncontrollable subconscious.”

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Just when you thought this day couldn’t get any creepier after that George Lucas story: Harry Knowles posted a clip of Sly Stallone working out.  You know, because watching an HGH-enhanced, 62-year-old man working out shirtless is an essential part of any movie fan’s day, right guys?

“While playing around with a bit of work out footage of Stallone hitting it real hard with weights – he decided that his buddies in Talkback deserved a look at how Stallone was getting chiseled. So, without further ado, here’s the man sweating and glistening.”

Phew, that was good.  I think I’m gonna go jerk off.  Anyone want to spot me?  UNH!! YEAAARRRRRGHHH!!!

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It’s not that she doesn’t like them, she just disdains their child-like misinterpretation of the work of Kant.

Opening this weekend:
Push
Hmmm, a hip fraternity of attractive young mutants on the run from the government?  Where have I seen this before?  Oh right, everywhere.  The bad news is that this will bomb.  The good news is that Chris Evans may finally fire his agent.

Coraline
Hooray, something that might be worth seeing!  Though beware, it’s 3-D and involves people sewing buttons on their eyes.  Stone responsibly.

He’s Just Not That Into You
Planning on seeing this this weekend?  Congratulations, you’re a yuppie.

Pink Panther 2
Look, I love Steve Martin but I didn’t see a single f-cking panther in that entire trailer.  No panthers = not interested. As always.

Chocolate
“A special needs girl with a need to kick some ass.”  Nuff said.

Fanboys
Finally! I’ve been waiting two years to not see this!  Oh and hey, there’s a Harry Knowles character in there.  You know, I’ve always said that what that guy needs is a greater sense of his own importance.

…out of clay.  Thanks, HGH!  But in all seriousness, the guy looks pretty good for 62.  Of course, I haven’t seen his balls.  I also recommend trying not to think about the fact that a 62-year-old man shaved his chest, oiled up, flexed, took a picture, and sent it to Harry Knowles.

[via AICN]