The gap between actual Chuck Norris and the fake Chuck Norris of the internet has always been a pretty wide one, and almost every news story about him is the equivalent of seeing a honey badger in real life and it turns out to be a koala wearing panties. Case in point, yesterday, a news story went around about a quote from a Polish newspaper’s interview of Norris, which basically implied that Expendables 2 was going to be PG-13 because Norris demanded it (the first one was rated R, and they kind of made a big deal about it). Here’s the translated quote:

“In Expendables 2, there was a lot of vulgar dialogue in the screenplay. For this reason, many young people wouldn’t be able to watch this. But I don’t play in movies like this. Due to that I said I won’t be a part of that if the hardcore language is not erased. Producers accepted my conditions and the movie will be classified in the category of PG-13.” [Kazeta]

Yes, that would be a shame, today’s 8-year-olds not being able to see their heroes, uh… Dolph Lundgren and Jean-Claude Van Damme. Late yesterday, Stallone confirmed via his BFF Harry Knowles:

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Pictured: An average movie blogger

I’m putting myself at severe risk of contracting dandruff and pink eye to report to you the following news: Morgan Spurlock will be teaming up with Joss Whedon, AintItCoolNews founder Harry Knowles, and Stan Lee to create a documentary about Comic-Con.  Hmm, I think I liked this better when it was narrated by Olivia Munn in a Slave Leia outfit. (*takes drag on inhaler*)

Deflect my spell, Hollywood Reporter.  LIGHTNING BOLT! LIGHTNING BOLT!

Spurlock, who was nominated for an Oscar for his “Super Size Me” documentary, is directing. Shooting begins in June, tracking its subjects to this year’s Comic-Con, which runs July 21-25 in San Diego.  Knowles, Whedon and Lee are on board in undetermined consulting roles.

“Comic-Con Episode Four: A Fan’s Hope” will, in the worlds of the film’s makers, “follow seven different people from across America, and around the world, as they descend upon the veritable Mecca of fandom and experience the rapture that is Comic-Con.”

I think by “rapture”, they mean that it’s like driving along when all of a sudden, all the world’s non-nerds are simultaneously miracled into heaven, and everyone that’s left behind gets herded into a big auditorium where porn stars stand around trying to sell you Krod Mandoon DVDs.

This introduction video and surprise appearance by Jon Favreau and Robert Downey Jr. comes from a special invite-only screening of Iron Man 2 at the Alamo Drafthouse in Austin last night, hosted by AICN’s Harry Knowles (Beyoncé’s fat, red-headed brother).  I wasn’t invited, I assume because they knew these guns aren’t registered in that state.  Thanks, fellas, I appreciate you lookin’ out.  Anyway, by most accounts, it sounds just like what you would expect, i.e., “a virtual sea of competing novelty T-shirts,” size double X, sporting cat and beard hair, I’m sure.

The video [via Cinematical] shows Downey telling Favreau he “doesn’t need to suck up to these nerds anymore, they’re going to see it anyway.”  Then they both step out from behind the video onto the stage, where the crowd goes wild, creating a cloud of Cheeto dust and wave of undulating man boobs that could be seen from space.  But apparently, Favreau’s contribution to the evening didn’t end there:

Jon Favreau, who’s been doing months of post-production followed by a vicious, volcano-interrupted press tour, needs to blow off some steam. He does it by mix-mastering beats from The Jackson Five and Guns N Roses and Eric B. and Rakim and AC/DC. He mashes up “It’s Tricky” and “Brown Sugar.” He brings the house down with a power ballad by The Outfield. The DJ hired by the Alamo thought he’d hand over the turntables for maybe ten minutes but Favs won’t stop. You’d think he’d be mugging to the crowd but, no, he’s really workin’ it. [UGO]

I’m sure watching Jon Favreau DJ would be cool, but nearly as cool as watching Robert Downey Jr. in blackface DJ.

Courtesy of Yahoo, this is the third theatrical trailer for Dreamworks’ How to Train Your Dragon, from the guys who did Lilo & Stitch.  To be honest, I don’t have kids so I don’t really care about this stuff, and Jay Baruchel’s nasally mumble is like boogers in my ear (just talk regular, asshole — he always sounds like he’s afraid someone’s about to hit him).  But for what it’s worth, /Film writes:

Harry Knowles saw a very early cut of the film, in 3D, and said that the film is “every bit as emotional, thrilling and fun as KUNG FU PANDA.”

Haha, it’s funny because he’s a grown man.

ALSO: Who the hell thought it was a good idea to put the music from True Romance in there? I’m trying to watch a kids movie here and all I want to do is beat the hell out of Patricia Arquette.

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Courtesy of Harry at AICN, here are five minutes of Roland Emmerich’s 2012.  For which Harry’s headline is “5 Bugnuts Insane Wholly Beetledick Wow Minutes!”  Seriously, the guy writes like Japanese ad copy translated into English with Babelfish*.  Do you think he means the wow minutes are wholly beetledick?  Or was he trying to shout “holy beetledick”?  I guess it’s best just to move on.

Anyway, the video.  It… is beyond ludicrous.  It makes Transformers 2 look like a nature documentary.  They drive through LA in a limo while the EVERYTHING COLLAPSES and all of a sudden they’re DRIVING THROUGH A SMASHING BUILDING!  And then suddenly, they’re IN AN AIRPLANE FOR SOME REASON!!  Why are they flying so low to the ground?? SO THEY CAN SEE THE SMASHING!!  And then, and then… JESUS’S ARMS FALL OFF HIS BODY IN BRAZIL!  Why would just his arms fall off?  BECAUSE ASTEROIDS AND MONEY!   God, this looks amazing.  I guarantee you right now, Roland Emmerich is watching tsunami footage and wearing a ball gag while his mistress stomps on his nuts and makes explosion sounds.

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