Harrison Ford's new posse

People wonder why I hate writing up Ridley Scott stories so much, and the answer is that there’s a new one every three days and they almost never come true. Back in August it came out that Ridley Scott had signed on to direct a Blade Runner reboot for the giant black guy and tiny white man who make up Alcon Entertainment. At the time, it was considered a completely new take on Blade Runner, whatever the hell that means. I don’t know how you remake a movie with the original director and plan for it to be completely different, but whatever. Well now Twitch says that Harrison Ford is close to a deal to join the cast, though they don’t say in what capacity. The Blade Runner reboot was expected to be Scott’s next project after Prometheus, but keep in mind it was just Friday that Deadline was reporting the “strong possibility” that Scott would direct Cormac McCarthy’s The Counselor next. All I can gather is that this guy talks out of his ass more than a coked-up club promoter. A waterpark-themed nacho bar made entirely out of cowboy hats? GREAT IDEA, BRO! NO SERIOUSLY WE’RE TOTALLY DOING IT!

Twitch has learned that Harrison Ford has entered into early talks to join the new Blade Runner. While this is still very early stages and it is quite possible that things won’t work out the obvious implication is that what we are looking at is not a reboot but a direct sequel to the original.

Yeah, or maybe it WILL be a reboot, and Harrison Ford will play the same character, but every few minutes or so he’ll accidentally call someone “Chewy” then wink at the camera and take a sip of Pepsi. More news as it develops.

Cowboys and Aliens is an absurdist pastiche of overused action movie tropes (Bourne in the old west! With aliens!), which is occasionally compelling, if only for the sheer audacity of plot choices. That is to say, it’s ridiculous. And I’m a big fan of the ridiculous (see also: Lieutenant, Bad; Werner Herzog version of). I just wish Cowboys and Aliens‘ preposterousness wasn’t so couched in pre-fabricated stories and characters. It’s a lot like Lost, but even black smoke monsters and polar bears seemed more fresh than Cowboys, Indians, aliens, rocket hands, and amnesia. It plays like a producer brainstorming session that never got edited, which makes it all the more shocking that no one turns out to be a vampire or a hot cyborg lesbian (spoiler alert).

It’s hard to believe Lost exec producer Damon Lindelof had five co-writers, because the whole thing reeks of black smoke musk, from the character daddy issues driving every single plot point right down to the fat-faced kid with a dog who seems totally unnecessary to the plot. I imagine the writers meeting went something like this:

Alex Kurtzman: Cowboys!

Robert Orci: Indians! Aliens! James Bond! Indiana Jones–

Steve Oedekirk: (*loud gurgle, extended fart sound followed by terrible stench. the rest of the gang rolls his wheelchair outside before continuing*)

Lindelof: Amnesia! Religious themes! Re-incarnation–

Iron Man writers Mark Fergus and Hawk Ostby: [together] ROCKET HANDS! (*they smash their beer steins together, down the rest, and stomp off like the Bushwhackers*)

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So there’s this Harrison Ford quote that’s been going around the internet today where he calls Shia LaBeouf an idiot. And obviously people love that, because Harrison Ford is Han Solo and Shia LaBeouf is that kid from those crappy movies.  I hate to spoil that with pesky nuance, but here we are.  First, here’s the quote people keep sending me, in regards to LaBeouf criticizing Indy 4:

[Ford] told Details: “I think [LaBeouf] was a f*cking idiot. As an actor, I think it’s my obligation to support the film without making a complete ass of myself. Shia is ambitious, attentive, and talented – and he’s learning how to deal with a situation which is very unique and difficult.”

Sounds pretty juicy, at least the way NME writes it. Which was slightly different from the actual quote, according to the original souce:

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The new extended trailer for Cowboys and Aliens premiered the other night on Spike TV’s Guy’s Choice Awards and I missed it, probably because I’d rather watch my grandma’s cakefarts video than regular Spike programming. But now it’s online, and you can watch it below without interruption of Kevin James promos.  Cowboys opens July 29th, and I’m still not sure what to make of it.  While it certainly sounds like Hollywood’s favorite action movie clichés decided to get together and play limp biscuit onto a script, as far as mash-ups of tropes go, I’ll take Cowboys‘ alien invasion, amnesia, rocket hands, and Indiana Jones over Super 8‘s sad kids with daddy issues in love any day (if I find out Daniel Craig keeps his dead wife’s picture in a locket I swear to God I’m walking out). What can I say, I do enjoy aliens and explosions and rocket hands and Olivia Wilde naked (PG-13 naked, of course).  As long as restraint is no object, some dinosaurs, the predator, and a vampire cyborg might’ve been nice. Come on, it’ll be like if Sucker Punch wasn’t secretly about child rape.

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Don't let the aliens butt probe me, James Bond

Cowboys and Aliens, the second release (after I Am Number Four) under the newly-reshuffled Dreamworks arrangement, from director John Favreau and the writers of Lost, Iron Man, and Star Trek, opens July 1st.  The new, extended trailer hit late last night, and man, between this, Sucker Punch, and Your Highness, 2011 has been a great year for 13-year-old’s wet-dream movies.

DUDE! What if COWBOYS fought ALIENS!

YEAH! And then JAMES BOND was there!

YEAH! And INDIANA JONES!

YEAH! And then what if James Bond had amnesia! And kept gradually remembering what a badass he is, LIKE JASON BOURNE!

YEAH! And what if amnesia Jason James Bond Bourne had to kill the aliens WITH ROCKET HANDS!

LIKE IRON MAN!

YEAH!  (*lights frog on fire, shoots it out of potato gun*)

All I’m saying is, one of these aliens better have three tits.

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