(Keanu Reeves will promise to watch your sandwich while you go snorkeling. Don’t trust him.)

Before I got paid to write poop and wiener jokes for a living, I too had to write soul-crushingly dry ad and journalism copy (stay in school, kids).  So it’s easy for me to recognize how excited journalists can get when they get to enjoy even the faintest glimmer of creativity and word play.  They usually overdo it, but what do you expect?  They’re the writing equivalent of a submarine crew let loose in Thailand with three days shore leave, when the vanilla sex normal people enjoy goes out the window in favor of queef-powered vagina darts (seriously, look it up).  Anyway that’s my introduction to Susan Bryan of the AP’s story on Val Kilmer’s dispute with his neighbors in New Mexico.

ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. – No words were minced [*cough* passive voice! *cough, cough*] when the character Ed Bailey jumped out of his seat in one of the early scenes of “Tombstone” and told the slick gambler and gunslinger Doc Holliday — played by actor Val Kilmer — to scram after their poker game went sour.
“Take your money and get out ’cause I’m tired of listening to your mouth,” Bailey yelled.
Well, some of Kilmer’s real-life northern New Mexico neighbors share Bailey’s sentiments. They’re upset with him, saying he made disparaging comments about San Miguel County and for chasing away people fishing on the Pecos River at his ranch.
The bitter feelings that have been brewing over the last several years have reached a boiling point. But unlike Holliday, Kilmer won’t be able to settle this with a knife or a pair of six-shooters.

(*beep be-beep beep be-beep*) (*static noise*) THIS JUST IN: Susan Bryan has seen one Val Kilmer movie and that movie is Tombstone.  She loves Tombstone references.  They’re like meth to her, much like Val Kilmer’s character in Salton Sea.  What’s that, you say?  You want to know the actual story?  (*sigh*) Fine.

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One measure of a pop culture phenomenon is the number of speculative and information-free news stories about it.  Case in point: The Dark Knight.  Yahoo Buzz, for instance, has this impressive wrapup of the next villain Batman will battle – don’t worry, it’s totally substantive:

iVillage is reporting that the Caped Crusader may take on the Riddler in "Batman 3." According to the rumor mill, Johnny Depp might sign on to play the nefarious super-criminal. But caveat emptor—this could be just as false as the one about Crispin Glover playing the Joker.

Slashfilm notes that there are additional possibilities floating around. For instance, Phillip Seymour Hoffman may play the Penguin or Angelina Jolie could don Catwoman’s skin-tight suit.

Still, the "official" rumor mill is just one of the ways superfans are checking in on the next Batman flick. Many seek the scoop themselves. We’ve noticed impressive searches on "batman 3 rumors," "dark knight sequel casting rumors," and "batman’s next villain."

Search terms, eh?  Why, it’s almost as if they’ve… planned an entire article around the most popular search terms!  The dastard!  But not to be outdone, Jake Coyle of the AP did some Pulitzer-worthy reporting to break the news that some people think Batman’s voice was too much!

"His Batman rasps his lines in a voice that’s deeper and hammier than ever," said NPR’s David Edelstein.

The New Yorker’s David Denby praised the urgency of Bale’s Batman, but lamented that he "delivers his lines in a hoarse voice with an unvarying inflection."

Reviewing the film for MSNBC, Alonso Duralde wrote that Bale’s Batman in "Batman Begins" "sounded absurdly deep, like a 10-year-old putting on an `adult’ voice to make prank phone calls. This time, Bale affects an eerie rasp, somewhat akin to Brenda Vaccaro doing a Miles Davis impression."

Brenda Vaccaro, ha!  I totally got that reference!  And what was up with Heath Ledger’s laugh?  I mean, am I the only one who thought he sounded like Lilian Gish auto erotic asphyxiating with Walter Pidgeon’s bowtie?  Am I right or am I right?  Stay tuned right here for more breathlessly retarded Batman coverage!