"I can't believe people will pay to see this again!"

It’s awfully fitting that during the same week that I started writing my feature for the Worst Movies of 2011, the studio that gave us my choice for the Worst Movie of 2010 has announced that it wants a sequel. Sony has decided that the story of five childhood friends who reunite at a lake house after their lives had led them apart was worthy of another chapter despite having no plot point to continue. I watched Grown Ups – twice – and the only thought I had at the end was: “They should have stayed apart.”

I don’t need to guess why they’re trying to make this sequel. On a budget of $80 million, the original grossed $271 million worldwide. That’s good enough to make it the highest-grossing Happy Madison film in the history of a company founded on bad actors meeting Sandler at comedy clubs. In fact, it was so successful that Sandler purchased matching Maseratis for his co-stars, David Spade, Chris Rock, Kevin James and Rob Schneider.

So it shouldn’t surprise anyone that Sony wants another tug on the teat of Sandler’s cash cow. However, according to Variety and my prayers, Sandler isn’t signed on for anything. Yet.

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Funny, this is my idea to punish Adam Sandler.

In Theaters Everywhere: Jack and Jill, J. Edgar, The Immortals

FilmDrunk Armond White Suggests: Jack and Jill, of course. It gravitates toward the median of brilliance and esoteric mental orgasmic sincerity. Jack is Jill. Jill is Jack. We are Jack. We are Jill. This movie is the centric positivity and balance that we need to forge ethnic dissipation. Plus, fat white chick.

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Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star didn’t screen for critics last week, which was perhaps wise, given their historic aversion to Adam Sandler movies about wigs and funny accents. Not to mention that even three out of four people WHO PURPOSELY PAID TO SEE BUCKY LARSON didn’t like it (compared to 50% for Larry the Cable Guy’s Witless Protection). Ironically, however, the fact that only 22 critics have gotten around to reviewing it thus far may have contributed to the present situation, in which it has yet to receive a single positive review. AO Scott of the New York Times echoed the common sentiment:

This may be the worst movie Pauly Shore has ever been in. Think about that. If you dare, go on Netflix and test the hypothesis.

A 0% rating on RottenTomatoes isn’t unheard of — see Ballistics: Ecks vs. Sever, One Missed Call, or Baby Geniuses 2 — and in fact, Bucky Larson, wouldn’t even be the first Happy Madison product to earn the honor (thanks, Strange Wilderness). (As did Pauly Shore vehicles Jury Duty, In the Army Now, and Casper: A Spirited Beginning). But I’d remiss if I didn’t offer you the chance to witness HISTORY IN THE MAKING! Come on, I know there’s ONE positive review out there. Who’s it gonna be? Pete Hammond? Armond White (doubtful, Neveldine/Taylor didn’t direct it)? Lights Camera Jackson? The Blind Dude?

(*refresh… refresh… refresh… refresh…*)

Steven Soderbergh’s Contagion led all others at the box office over the weekend, knocking off The Help for the first time in three weeks, proving that the only thing America loves more than a hot white chick curing racism (THAT MAID’S CHANGIN’ YER LAAHFE) is watching Gwyneth Paltrow succumb to a mysterious disease (check out the new goop.com newsletter for the latest in designer rubber gloves and shabby chic sneeze guards).

Meanwhile, proving that no one listens to Peter Dante, no one went to see Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star, despite all his advice to the contrary. The Happy Madison product opened all the way down at number fifteen, with  $1.45 million. That was less than half of Happy Madison’s previous lows, Strange Wilderness and Grandma’s Boy (the latter of which was actually pretty decent, strangely). But it wasn’t ALL bad news, as Bucky Larson is currently tracking 0% on rottentomatoes.

FUN FACT: The average showing of Bucky Larson had slightly more than eight people. You could get more people to a fake funeral.

It’s a shame, because I always thought Nick Swardson was the funniest one in that crew. But also not a shame, because Bucky Larson looked like a Mexican sitcom (and not in a good way, where all of the women have preposterously ample cleavage). If Jack and Jill does this poorly when it opens in November, maybe Sandler can finally stop with this lowest common denominator experiment and get back to making comedy. I know, I know, I’m totally that YOU’VE CHANGED, BRO guy. But even conceding that I was thirteen at the time, I refuse to believe that “The Buffoon Meets the Dean of Admissions” wasn’t a watershed moment in comedy. “I LOOKED AT MY ASSH*LE IN THE MIRROR TODAY,” is my generation’s “Who’s On First.” I remember where I was the first time I heard “MY NEIGHBOR’S DOG HAS A FOUR-INCH CLIT” like it was the goddamned Kennedy assassination.

(full top 10 after the jump)

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At some point today, people are going to spend actual American currency to see Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star, and the soul of cinema will die a little more. The film is the latest offering from Happy Madison, which is Adam Sandler’s production company, or as it is better known – his friends’ ATM machine. In fact, it’s quite fitting that Sandler’s next cash cow, starring Nick Swardson as the titular character, will be released on his 44th birthday. “Happy birthday,” his friends will yell as they put their new Bentley keys in their pockets.

I’m sure by now that you’ve seen the non-stop barrage of commercials for Bucky Larson, and I assume that because they have been scorched into my brain because of their needlessly obnoxious delivery. The movie itself looks like standard Happy Madison fare, but for some reason the commercials have Peter Dante – more on him later – yelling at us about why we should see the film like we are complete morons. I honestly can’t decide whether I’m more annoyed or fascinated by the commercials.

What is the point of Dante yelling terrible jokes at us? Is he portraying his character in the film? Are we supposed to know this? Better yet, are we supposed to know who he is? I decided to answer that last question myself, as well as the question “Who the hell are these guys and why should we accept them as comedy stars?”

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