Poor Burnsy. I was having him cover for me today while I went to some screenings and took care of a few things. I already made him write about Happy Madison once today and it almost killed him, and that was just in reference to a possible Grown Ups sequel. Making him cover this was out of the question. In any case, yes, Adam Sandler has signed on to co-write and star in the movie adaptation of Candyland (which we first heard about three years ago). Yes, Candyland the board game. We have reached the suck singularity.

Columbia Pictures, Happy Madison and Hasbro, Inc. are in final talks to develop Candy Land, a live action movie based on the bestselling Hasbro board game with Adam Sandler attached to star. Kevin Lima (Enchanted) is attached to direct the project for the studio with Sandler and Robert Smigel are in talks to write the screenplay.

Candyland is basically ‘Sorry’ with candy painted on the board, and adding Sandler to that mix doesn’t do much to alter my conception of what a movie adaptation might look like. Basically, the game pieces all shout-talk in a weird baby voice now.

Created in 1949, Candy Land takes players on a magical journey through fantastical lands made of candy, sweets, and ice cream: the Peppermint Forest, the Gum Drop Mountains, and the Lollypop Woods. Along the way, players encounter such iconic characters as Princess Frostine, Lord Licorice, Mr. Mint, and King Candy.

Mmm, yes, iconic indeed. Iconic in the way that no one remembers them. Meanwhile, Robert Smigel you might recognize as the man behind SNL’s TV Funhouse and the voice of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. But he also co-wrote You Don’t Mess With the Zohan in addition to this. My working theory is that one of the Happy Madison guys kidnapped his children. Peter Dante, probably, he looks swarthy.

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"Which one of you guys tripled parked your Bentleys?"

Chris Rock was at Sundance last week to promote his new film, 2 Days in New York, directed by Julie Delpy, whose best movie was Killing Zoe and I will fight people to the death if they believe otherwise. While Rock did the normal PR legwork for his new film, he also dropped a little nugget of terror into our laps when MTV asked him about the status of the completely unnecessary Grown Ups 2.

/film has reported that Grown Ups 2 already has a set release date of July 12, 2013, but Rock raised a few eyebrows when he admitted that he doesn’t know if his upcoming project with Adam Sandler is actually a sequel. Yeah, because that makes all the difference as to whether it will suck or not.

I don’t know yet. I definitely have been called about my availability. But no one’s told me about a script. When Adam Sandler gives you a call and asks, ‘What are you doing in June? Make sure you don’t do nothing in June!’ So I think we’re getting ready to get the gang back together. I don’t know if it’s going to be ‘Grown Ups 2′ or another movie, though.

Who cares? It’s happening regardless. Happy Madison is Skynet. We’ve allowed Sandler and his friends to amass such wealth that they can do whatever they want. Grown Ups made more than $270 million worldwide. Even if a sequel makes half that, they still win and stock their garages with more Maseratis.

If they want a new movie, they get it. A TV show for Rob Schneider? Done. A Broadway musical starring Peter Dante and a chorus of stoned frat boys making hand farts? Book it. This is why we can’t have nice things, world.

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Last year, when I asked Vince if I could rank the year’s worst movies, it seemed like a harmless enough idea. Now, though, I realize how terrible it was, because I have to watch these horrible movies. Here’s a fun fact: 2011 HAD SO MANY F*CKING TERRIBLE MOVIES. And now that SOPA is about to kick in and limit my ability to criticize these awful films and the dipsh*ts who make them, lest I end up in military prison for life, I figured that this year’s list needed to be more concise than last year’s effort.

For starters, I added some new superlatives because it’s simply not fair to other terrible movies that Adam Sandler and Happy Madison crapped out 4 movies this year. I have to be impartial when I’m putting together a list of the worst movies and that’s just not possible when Bucky Larson is such a phenomenally awful movie. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Without further ado, I give you the Worst Movies of 2011. Please share this with as many people as possible so we can put an end to the misery.

Just kidding, that won’t happen. After all, Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg will be releasing The Biggest Movie of All-Time 3D next year. We’re doomed.

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"I can't believe people will pay to see this again!"

It’s awfully fitting that during the same week that I started writing my feature for the Worst Movies of 2011, the studio that gave us my choice for the Worst Movie of 2010 has announced that it wants a sequel. Sony has decided that the story of five childhood friends who reunite at a lake house after their lives had led them apart was worthy of another chapter despite having no plot point to continue. I watched Grown Ups – twice – and the only thought I had at the end was: “They should have stayed apart.”

I don’t need to guess why they’re trying to make this sequel. On a budget of $80 million, the original grossed $271 million worldwide. That’s good enough to make it the highest-grossing Happy Madison film in the history of a company founded on bad actors meeting Sandler at comedy clubs. In fact, it was so successful that Sandler purchased matching Maseratis for his co-stars, David Spade, Chris Rock, Kevin James and Rob Schneider.

So it shouldn’t surprise anyone that Sony wants another tug on the teat of Sandler’s cash cow. However, according to Variety and my prayers, Sandler isn’t signed on for anything. Yet.

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Funny, this is my idea to punish Adam Sandler.

In Theaters Everywhere: Jack and Jill, J. Edgar, The Immortals

FilmDrunk Armond White Suggests: Jack and Jill, of course. It gravitates toward the median of brilliance and esoteric mental orgasmic sincerity. Jack is Jill. Jill is Jack. We are Jack. We are Jill. This movie is the centric positivity and balance that we need to forge ethnic dissipation. Plus, fat white chick.

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