Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters earned almost $20 million in its opening weekend, proving that I’ve completely misunderstood human nature my whole life. I haven’t felt this alienated from my fellow man since the last time someone mentioned any of today’s popular television or music or children’s names. Hansel/Gretel’s opening was three million better than Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, and while critics hated it (15 percent on RottenTomatoes), audiences… well, audiences thought it was just sort of meh too, giving it a B cinemascore. Hooray for a dearth of options!

Elsewhere, Parker landed in fifth with just $7 million, even worse than the last Stafe movie. It’s all part of my thesis, No One Actually Likes J-Lo. Below even that was Movie 43, with just $5 million.

In seventh place, star-studded comedy anthology Movie 43 tanked with just $5 million. That’s lower than practically any comparable titles, including spoof comedy Disaster Movie ($5.8 million). The audience skewed younger (59 percent under 25 years of age) and about even on gender (51 percent male), and they gave the movie an atrocious “D” CinemaScore. [BoxOfficeMojo]

Yep, even stoned teenagers hated it. It should be noted, though, that it only cost $6 million to make. Still, the savage reviews (5% on RT) were mean enough that the Farrelly Brothers (who produced and directed a segment) felt compelled to answer back::

To the critics: Movie 43 is not the end of the world. It’s just a $6-million movie where we tried to do something different. Now back off. P

— Farrelly Brothers (@farrellybros) January 27, 2013

To the critics: You always complain that Hollywood never gives you new stuff, and then when you get it, you flip out. Lighten up. P

— Farrelly Brothers (@farrellybros) January 27, 2013

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“What have I told you about letting Peter Farrelly make movies?”

Opening Everywhere: Movie 43, Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, Parker. God help us, it’s January. God help us all.

FilmDrunk Suggests: I suggest that you sit down and buckle up, because someone cut the brake lines on the negative train and I’m about to crash this sucker into Cynic City, USA.

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Look, I’ve learned a few things about this blogging game, and one lesson I didn’t miss was that if you’ve got a picture of a dog in mask, you lead with that. So this is a still from Kick-Ass 2, featuring Jim Carrey as “Colonel Stars and Stripes.” Matthew Vaughn isn’t directing this one  – Jeff Wadlow, who directed Never Back Down, is – which makes me very skeptical. But if its got dogs in superhero costumes? It’s a start.

Captain Ameridog keeps his identity a secret so his enemies can’t go after his bitches.

[Picture via EntertainmentWeekly]

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Django Unchained opened in 54 international locations over the weekend, earning the most in Germany, followed by France. It outdid Inglourious Basterds‘ opening by 30 percent, “despite snowy conditions throughout most of Europe this weekend,” according to Variety. It did well everywhere, but in Russia, Django played second fiddle to an unlikely competitor: Hansel and Gretel Witch Hunters. …Yeah, I don’t know either, dude.

“Django” lost to Paramount’s early bow of “Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters,” grossing $7.3 million, 98% from 3D.

Man, Russians are f*cking weird. Or at least, they must really be impressed with 3D over there. Or maybe they just wanted to lord it over us that they finally got something before we did, in a place where dudes in mullets still go to clubs to rock out to Duran Duran songs.

I haven’t seen Hansel and Gretel Witch Hunters yet (it opens Friday and my press screening is Thursday night, which should tell you something), but it’s generally a bad sign when your movie is called “Hansel and Gretel Witch Hunters” and the first line of the trailer is “my name is Gretel and this is my brother Hansel.” As if there’s someone sitting on their couch going “Wait, Hansel and Gretel Witch Hunters is about Hansel and Gretel?! WELL THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING!”

I see no one learned from John Carter or Jack Reacher marketing. If there’s one thing Hollywood’s good at, it’s not learning lessons.

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This week in posters was on hiatus for a few weeks on account of how long these damned things take to put together, but now it’s back! Because at least six of you demanded it!

Here’s Cowboy Bill Murray in a publicity still from Roman Coppola’s A Glimpse Inside the Mind of Charles Swan III (via ThePlaylist). Trying to ignore the fact that Charlie Swan is Bella’s dad’s name, Coppola co-wrote Moonrise Kingdom and The Darjeeling Limited with Wes Anderson, and Charles Swan will be the first film he’s directed since 2001′s CQ. Not for nothing, he also has a bitchin’ unibrow. Will it be quirky and twee? Well, it’s about “A graphic designer’s enviable life slides into despair when his girlfriend breaks up with him,” and Charles Swan is played by Charlie Sheen, so I’m going to say that’s a big yes.

Meanwhile, Bill Murray was the subject of a recent NY Times profile. This was my favorite part:

[The car is suddenly cut off by another vehicle.] “That person was insane. [To his driver] Well-avoided, Mustafa. But you can bump her now. She’s got it coming.”

Sometimes I think Wes Anderson is scripting Bill Murray’s life.

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