Cut your GD hair! And pull up your GD pants!! And stop waxing your GD eyebrows!!!  (*aneurysm*)

WB reaped the rewards of having the balls to release a movie we’ve all already seen this week, as Zac Efron’s 17 Again topped the box office with $24 million.  I thought it’d be a Freaky Friday before a body-swap comedy topped the box office again, but you know what they say: Like Father Like Son.  Wait, did that last sentence make sense? Or Vice Versa?

Elsewhere, Crowe/Affleck joint State of Play locked up number two, Hannah Montana dropped to four, Crank High Voltage debuted a disappointing sixth with a take four million less than the original, I Love You, Man continued to earn in the ninth spot in its fifth week out, and Dragonball is a certified bomb, dropping out of the top ten in only its second week.  It looked so brilliant, I just don’t understand it.

Overall, revenue was up 17% and attendance up 16% over last year, despite the supposedly weak economy.  Thanks, Zac Efron, Miley Cyrus, and Vin Diesel!  I guess it’s true what they say: crap rules everything around me, dolla dolla bill, y’all.  (full top ten after the jump):

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Those creepy pedophiles at Disney have done it again, as Hannah Montana and her hillbilly overbite had a huge $34 million win at the box office in what was Hollywood’s biggest Easter weekend ever.  4 Fast 4 Furious dropped 59% from last week’s record opening to land in number two, followed by Monsters vs. Aliens, Observe and Report, and Knowing (full top 10 after the jump).

Among this year’s releases, five films have already jumped the $100 million mark domestically vs. just one last year (“Horton Hears a Who”).  The $100 million-plus club includes “Fast and Furious,” “Paul Blart: Mall Cop” ($143.2 million), “Monsters vs. Aliens” ($141 million), “Taken” ($140 million) and “Watchmen” ($105.9 million).

With “Observe and Report,” Rogen delivered his lowest opening outside of “Zack and Miri Make a Porno,” which opened to $10.1 million last year on its way to cuming $31.5 million domestically. Warners said the R-rated film won’t be a financial loser since it was produced for less than $18 million. [Variety]

The beauty of Hannah Montana is its utter half-assedness.  I can only imagine the pitch meeting.   Okay, people, I need ideas!  Let’s see… little girls seem to enjoy pretending that they’re celebrities.  Anyone?  Come on, no one has an idea?  What about you, Evans?  EVANS: Um…. how ’bout a show… about a little girl… …who’s a celebrity?  (four-second silence)  Evans, you’re a GENIUS!

THE END.  They broke for lunch after that, because developing it any further would’ve just been extra work.  Epilogue: Everything worked out and those guys got rich.  I f*cking hate kids.

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Opening this weekend:

• Hannah Montana the Movie: You know I’ll be there.  I love this little mouth-breathin retard.  Isn’t it funny how Disney’s apparently run by creepy pedophiles?  Who wants to get slimed!
• Observe and Report: You can read my review here.  Bottom line: it’s funny, but not that great.  Sort of like me in the sack.  :-(
• Dragonball: All the crappiness of Street Fighter but more geared towards kids.  Filled with wire fighting, people swallowing bugs, and lines like, “Prepare to eat dirt!”  Plus people riding snowmobiles with wheels and eating turkey legs. What’s not to like?
• Anvil (limited release): Sort of The Wrestler meets heavy metal, but real.  As far as one-sentence pitches go, you’d have a hard time doing better than that.  “Like Die Hard, with Diora Baird and Anne Hathaway going ass to ass.”