"Alas, poor Yorick, I just stomped your yard, homey."

There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just give it to you straight: Twilight director Catherine Hardwicke’s planned contemporary Shakespeare adaptation, Haml3t, is no longer happening.  It’s such a shame, I’ve always said that what the world really needs is more variations on Hamlet.

Here’s what we’re missing:

“It’s a modern-day film, set at a liberal-arts college where words matter [almost as much as Quidditch] — so people are careful and talk in beautiful language, and Hamlet tries to express himself through music,” Hardwicke explained.  “So, we’re using some of the cooler Shakespeare language, in a musical way. My Hamlet is like an aspiring rock star. He’s got six people that go to his performances, go to clubs and listen to him. It’s like an early Kurt Cobain.”

The idea is that Emile Hirsch’s take on the character will blend a unique mix of music, sincerity and Shakespearean prose to re-envision the 400-year-old character not as a vengeful prince, but as a credibility-sensitive indie musician attending a school like Berklee.

So yeah, that’s not happening anymore.  Such a shame, I couldn’t wait to see how the art school premise worked with the junior college dropout title (what’s the three for? is Three Six mafia writing the music?).  On the plus side, this does leave room for some of the contemporized Shakespeare adaptations I had planned.  Such as:

• Macb3th
• 3 M3rchants, 3 V3nice
• St3p Up 2 Tame the Shr3w 3D
• A Midsummer Night’s Dream: The Traps Come Alive
• Much Ado 2: Electric Boogaloo
• As U Lik3 i+
• OtHELL0 #1 mUch <3 BiGdizzD$$HolLatchABoyee 1ago IZZA BeyoTcccH

Catherine Hardwicke made Lords of Dogtown and Thirteen, which weren’t terrible, so it might be slightly unfair to label her “the director of Twilight.”   Then again, she’s now making a Shakespeare movie with a number in the title.  You can find her on MySpace under I♥RpattZ~RIPbiLLy$hak3zzz.  And now, some sh’t that doesn’t seem real:

“It’s a modern-day film, set at a liberal-arts college where words matter — so people are careful and talk in beautiful language, and Hamlet tries to express himself through music,” Hardwicke explained recently, saying that her “Hamlet” reinterpretation will continue the filmmaker’s love affair with music [you like music? holy sh't, next you'll tell me you enjoy having fun, it's like we're soul mates!  we're the most unique people in the world!] by combining the spirit of the legendary Nirvana frontman with the Bard. “So, we’re using some of the cooler Shakespeare language, in a musical way. [My Hamlet] is like an [aspiring] rock star. He’s got six people* that go to his performances, go to clubs and listen to him. It’s like an early Kurt Cobain.”

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