Pictured: Not Aretha Franklin. Because I love you all.

So there’s this biopic about Aretha Franklin, and the legendary diva wants Halle Berry to play her. Halle was extremely diplomatic, and pointed out that she way, way, WAY too pretty can’t sing well enough to handle the part. ARETHA AIN’T CARE, right THR?

“Many actors have portrayed vocalists by lip-synching to the artist’s original recordings,” Franklin wrote in a letter read on the Wendy Williams show Monday.

Berry joked to Ryan Seacrest before the Golden Globes: “Someone should tell Aretha that I can’t do her justice.”

This reminds me of the time I was in talks with Hollywood producers to produce a movie about my life. I told them I really thought the role could only be played properly by Paul Newman. That’s the only actor that I felt could display my breathtaking handsomeness, but also capture the white hot passion I burn with under the surface. Not one of these no-talent haircuts you see headlining movies today. They got really confused, and said, “Uh, DG… Paul Newman has been dead for over a year. And he was 83 when he died.” I said of course I didn’t want a corpse to play me. I’m not stupid. I wanted Paul Newman from 1960 to play me. You know, back before The Hustler came out and he became a star. Handsome, humble, 1960 Paul Newman, or the deal’s off, I said. Never heard from them again, but glad I stuck to my guns.

In conclusion, Aretha, you’ll get Jennifer Hudson and you’ll like it.

Bonus Halle Berry after jump

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^{…with their MONEY! And their BIG NOSES!}

After the jump, I’ve got your daily update about what the Satanic Jews of Hollywood (great name for a band, btw) are up to from Louis Farrakhan.  Apparently they’ve been busy: putting out American Gangster, taking over BET, giving shows to the Kings of Comedy, drinking the blood of infants, etc.

“But you gonna take Denzell… One of our BRIGHTEST stars… That you gave an OSCAR to… NOT FOR THE MOVIE MALCOLM X [Editor's Note: You mean that guy you helped kill?]… Not for the movie THE BONE COLLECTOR… Yoooooooouuuuuu gave him an Oscar for playing a corRUPted black policeman.  …You didn’t give Halle Berry an Oscar for her many wonderful roles… [Editor’s Note: ...such as?] But you gave her an Oscar for her nasty little role with a white man.”

See, everything sounds profound if you just shout three words and then pause for ten seconds.  THIS MORNING! ….I awoke  …FROM A SLUMBER!  …I was hungOVER!  …and I had …an enormous BOWEL MOVEMENT!  He’s basically Christopher Walken with a conspiracy complex and a busted volume control.  And officially the last person in the country who remembers The Bone Collector.

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Robert Rodriguez’ remake of Barbarella is in trouble.

Universal Studios has backed out of backing the movie, whose budget the source pegged at nearly $100 million, because Mr. Rodriguez has insisted on casting his new fiancé, Rose McGowan, in the lead role.
The movie depicts a futuristic astronaut who travels the galaxy, seductively conquering everything in her path. More famous names floated for the part included Nicole Kidman, Halle Berry and Jessica Alba. [NY Observer]

Holy horrible actresses, Batman! Who do I rip on first??

Rose McGowan: when even the movie execs know you suck, the writing’s on the wall.  Jessica Alba: possibly an even worse actress than McGowan.  Berry: one of the most overrated actresses in Hollywood – sure she was good in Monster’s Ball, she barely had to talk.  Kidman: perhaps the only actress more overrated than Halle Berry. Plus, she has clear skin, and I don’t mean acne free.

Robert Rodriguez is an 8-year-old.  A penis gun?  A guitar case bomb – on wheels?  Mexi-CAN?  Can you not self-edit?  When Planet Terror turned out actually good, I thought he’d grown up.  Apparently not.  Famous directors do not stir Marylin Manson’s vanilla, dude.  That’s just gross, man.  I heard his semen smells like Clove cigarettes.