The latest from Onion News — rumor that Gwyneth Paltrow gets punched in Iron Man 2 takes anticipation for the movie to a whole new level.  Hey, you can’t go wrong with wishful thinking about Gwyneth Paltrow getting punched.

DAILY CIRCLE JERK LINKS

• Five ways social networks and their users butt heads. Ha, buttheads. |Uproxx|
• Wanna see Iron Man beat up Hugh Grant? Of course you do. |GammaSquad|
• New dating show, “Baggage” set to premiere, narrowly beating out “Daddy Issues” and “Smelly Genitals.” |WarmingGlow|
• The top 29 cities to live in.  I just know Fresno finally made the list this year…  |AskMen|
• 22 pictures of cats eating cheeseburgers and cats wearing cheeseburgers. |Urlesque|
• Some skank is trying to date Jeremy Shockey, on purpose. |Asylum|
• Cosplay pictures from C2E2 in Chicago. |ComicsAlliance|
• The black viking goes to the AVN Awards. |DoubleViking|
• Drunk girl goes cliff diving.  You know who’s probably happy about this? Cliff.  Waka waka waka! |CollegeHumor|
• A tribute to Frederick J. Krueger. |Gunaxin|
• Lindsay Lohan owes $600,000 in credit card debt.  Poor thing. |Fark|
• An iPhone 4G??? ZOMG! |HolyTaco|
• The updated actuals from this weekend have Kick-Ass beating How to Train Your Dragon for the #1 spot, though it still underperformed, like my penis. |ScreenJunkies|

Pictured: 100 years ago, this guy was so fat he was a sideshow freak.  Today, he’s considered an average movie blogger. |via Neatorama|

Oh look, they made a statue of me.

I think everyone’s pretty excited to see Iron Man 2 regardless of the marketing material they release, but still, that’s no reason to hire the exec’s loser nephew to design the poster.  This new domestic poster looks a lot like the international poster, except… NO MICKEY ROURKE?!  What the hell.  If you know someone for whom Gwyneth Paltrow is a bigger selling point than Mickey Rourke, I want you to stuff that person in a burlap sack, hit it with a tire iron until it stops moving, and then back it over a few times with your car.  It’s tough but fair. Meanwhile, for the sane people, those of us who want to hit Gwyneth Paltrow with a tire iron, I’ve created our own poster.

Post-Script:

(Source)

Iron Man 2 just released a new poster on Yahoo.  Eye-candy-wise, it’s definitely not on the level of, say, the Kick-Ass posters, but it’s sure as hell not gonna keep me from seeing the movie. They managed to squeeze just about everyone into the poster (sorry, Sam Rockwell), though it’s a little strange that they all seem to be looking off in different directions– HEY DON’T YOU EYE F*CK ME, PALTROW!  I’LL SHOW YOU A HELMET YOU CAN KISS!

*points to old football helmet*

Crap, I did this wrong again, didn’t I.

[Thanks to Jirish for the Carradine picture]

French MSN recently posted a featurette from Iron Man 2, mainly focusing on the racecar sequence they filmed in Monaco.  They even include a new snippet from the film, in which Tony Stark speaks French to the guards, who take him to see Mickey Rourke’s character, Ivan Vanko.  You know, the one he did all that research banging Russian chicks for.  Anyway, my French isn’t perfect, but I believe he said, “How many of zem weess za cheese?  Za snail must drink za garlic. Girdle buttons.”

I think Mickey Rourke is trying to challenge John Malkovich’s Rounders benchmark for ridiculous Russian accent having.

*AC/DC’s “Shoot to Thrill” fades in*
*lights cat on fire*
*helicopters dick*

Here’s the latest promo for Entertainment Tonight’s Iron Man 2 set visit, which gives us even more split-second glimpses of Iron Man, Whiplash, Black Widow, War Machine, and that dastardly super villain, Gwyneth Paltrow.  ET goes to great pains to explain that this is why they’re number one.  I can’t wait to tune in!  Ask:

• Questions about Robert Downey’s diet!

Learn!

• What Gwyneth Paltrow’s been doing to her hair!

See!

• A lobotomized eunuch in a sweater!

Font!

• Exciting words on the screen!

And it’s all EXCLUSIVE, so you can suck on these fat nuts, Access Hollywood!  *Mary Hart grabs crotch*

[via ComingSoon]