Just in case this video gets pulled like my wiener before you have a chance to see it, this is the alternate opening scene to Iron Man 2.  It starts with Tony Stark puking in the toilet of what turns out to be his cargo plane, followed by playful banter with Pepper Potts, who’s trying to coach him through his hangover (try this Egyptian-lavender scented alka-seltzer, just $69.99 on goop.com).  It ends with the bit you saw in the trailer, where Gwyneth Paltrow kisses his helmet (hee hee!) and he jumps out of the plane after it. This part ended up getting cut, and the actual film begins a few seconds later, with Tony Stark landing on stage at the Stark Expo.

Director Jon Favreau has said that the sequence was removed because he wanted to give Robert Downey Jr a big entrance, and the reveal of Stark on stage after landing worked better without the opening bit of comedy. [/Film via GammaSquad]

I like the alternate version better.  With the excess of characters that didn’t do that much, the rushed feel, and the lack of significant conflict, Iron Man 2 at times felt more than just a little Entourage-y, and opening with him onstage as the world’s biggest celebrity (as opposed to a hungover smartass) only plays more into that.  Oh my God, bro, don’t you want to be just like Tony Stark, or one of the talentless jackasses that hangs out by his pool?  He’s like the coolest guy ever, please turn this into a GQ article about grooming tips.

"Good, now mind the stepchildren..."

Oh snap, we just got punk’d! You got us good, Country Strong casting director!  Haha, “here’s Gwyneth Paltrow as a hard-drinkin’ country singer.  And oh look, here comes her husband, Lorenzo Lamas, distinguished Cambridge professor of mathematics.” Hilarious! “For my next act, I shall put an afro wig on a giraffe!”  Man, it doesn’t get much better than thi– HOLY SH*T, IS SHE RIDING THE RAILS LIKE A HOBO??

SING US A SONG, BOXCAR GWYNNIE!  “All’s ah needs is a tin a beans, the open road, and this $75 cake knife I bought on Goop.com.”

Also, Tim McGraw turned out to have quite the film career.  First he helps teach black kids to play football, now he learns an ole washed-up cuntry sanger how to love again.  “The first time ah heard you sang, ah thought that must be whut angels sound lahke.”  REALLY?  Jesus, that’s bad. That line’s so terrible it could almost be a Coldplay lyric.

[via Videogum]

Despite the fact that his last four movies were The Happening, Lady in the Water, The Village, and Signs, and that he’s proven himself to be kind of a prick (the theme of Lady in the Water, one of the most unwatchable movies of all time, was basically that M. Night is awesome and anyone who doubts him is a jerk), movie execs are still apparently willing to deal with M. Night Shyamalan. Shyalami’s latest — his follow-up to the upcoming Last Airbender — supposedly has Bruce Willis, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Brad Cooper “loosely attached.”  But other than that it’s a big secret.

Shyamalan is famously secretive, and this project is no exception: Only top studio execs have read the script, and they were required to allow a Shyamalan assistant to supervise the process. When the execs finished reading, the assistant took the script back and left. [HeatVision]

I like to imagine Shyamalan magically appearing in an exec’s office in a puff of smoke while wearing a big cape and petting a cat.  “Have you finished my script yet?  Hand it back.  No one can know my comings and goings.”  Then he’d cover himself with the cape and disappear back into the smoke.

“Wow, that guy is weird.  So… what was the script about?”

“It was about a mysterious vampire who terrorizes a family. They’re powerless to stop him, but then at the end it turns out he’s allergic to bees.  Frankly, I’m not sure I understood it.”

Thank God for the internet.  Without it, we might not be able to learn how to make terrible yuppie Mexican food from rich white chicks with no culinary training.  Luckily it exists, and Iron Man 2 star Gwyneth Paltrow can use it to teach us zesty guacamole recipes.  See how regular she is???  She’s not even wearing makeup!!  She’s just like me!  She must know all about me!  Quick, let’s all go buy Debrett’s Guide to Modern Manners and the $75 cake knife she sells on her website!  LADY PALTROW COMMANDS IT!  MY LIFE WILL BE AWESOME IF I JUST SPEND SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS ON A KNIFE FOR CUTTING CAKE, AND THEN PLAN ENOUGH FANCY TEA PARTIES TO JUSTIFY IT!  LET’S GO HIT POOR PEOPLE IN OUR CAR!!!!

A side note on food from a guy who has at least cooked for a living: Black beans with Mexican food is some whack East Coast bullsh*t.  And grape tomatoes for salsa, are you high?  Because the bigger ones are “too watery”?  Grape tomatoes are ALL WATER.  It’s just skin with goop inside (see what I did there?). And they’re too sweet for salsa.  Those are for salad. YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO COOK.  STOP THIS.  STOP THIS NOW.  Look, I don’t know how to fix cars.  I like cars, but I’m ignorant as to their inner workings, and I accept that.  You don’t see me making videos about how I fix my car, do you?

“And when the muffler starts making a sound, what I like to do is I like to hit it with a hammer.  You see how I did that?  I find it’s easier to hit the parts with a hammer because it keeps you from getting your hands dirty.”

Here’s a new how-to video for you, “How to Make the World Dumber with Your Terrible Advice.” Gwyneth Paltrow makes tacos like Coldplay makes music.

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Moviefone got a hold of this new short clip from Iron Man 2.  It shows Pepper Paltrow and Tony Stark hanging out at his house while his bodyguard, Happy Hogan, played by Jon Favreau (I’ve heard all the best bodyguards are short, chubby guys with Jew fros), teaches Scarlett Johansson aka Natalie Rushman aka Natasha Romanov how to box.

So what’s the deal with Johannsson’s character and her two names?  (Possible minor spoilers to follow, so no whining).  By most accounts, it appears her character is “an undercover agent for S.H.I.E.L.D. posing as Tony Stark’s assistant.”   Hence, I’m guessing, the two names.  I sincerely hope they don’t try to pull that Die Hard 3 bullsh*t, where the bad guy can go undercover with a perfect American accent, but whenever they’re hanging around their buddies, they slip back into their normal, thick German (or in this case Russian) accents.  Really, Hollywood?  Is that how accents work?  All foreigners can speak perfect English, but only when they want to?  You should hang out with my grandpa.

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