The New York Film Festival wrapped up over the weekend, and one of the events that actually makes me wish I’d been in New York to attend was a 10th anniversary screening of Royal Tenenbaums, with Bill Murray, Gwyneth Paltrow, Anjelica Huston, and Wes Anderson in attendance, with Anderson collaborator Noah Baumbach moderating. ThePlaylist has the whole rundown, but probably the most interesting bit was about how everyone thought Gene Hackman was a mean, scary, prick. And thank God they put up with him, because that mean, scary prick is like a pretend father to me. Gene Hackman as Royal Tenenbaum is all-time, Badass-Hall-of-Fame-level greatness.

BUT FIRST! Did you know the part of Mordecai the hawk was originally written for Jason Schwartzman?

Though it was nearly 10 years before Anderson reunited with his “Rushmore” star in “The Darjeeling Limited,” his intention was to include him much earlier. The part of Mordecai, eventually portrayed by a hawk in the film, was originally conceived for Jason Schwartzman. Anderson explained, “We had a character that was called Mordecai, which in the movie was the name of a bird, but Jason Schwartzman was supposed to be a boy who lived across the street from the Tenenbaums in some embassy or something in an attic.”

Jason Schwartzman is okay, but let’s be honest, he’s no hawk. Dude can barely catch mice.

…Right, but we came here to hear about Gene Hackman. The gist of this next block quote: Gene Hackman called Wes Anderson a c*nt, and once told him to “pull up his pants and act like a man.”

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Steven Soderbergh’s Contagion led all others at the box office over the weekend, knocking off The Help for the first time in three weeks, proving that the only thing America loves more than a hot white chick curing racism (THAT MAID’S CHANGIN’ YER LAAHFE) is watching Gwyneth Paltrow succumb to a mysterious disease (check out the new goop.com newsletter for the latest in designer rubber gloves and shabby chic sneeze guards).

Meanwhile, proving that no one listens to Peter Dante, no one went to see Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star, despite all his advice to the contrary. The Happy Madison product opened all the way down at number fifteen, with  $1.45 million. That was less than half of Happy Madison’s previous lows, Strange Wilderness and Grandma’s Boy (the latter of which was actually pretty decent, strangely). But it wasn’t ALL bad news, as Bucky Larson is currently tracking 0% on rottentomatoes.

FUN FACT: The average showing of Bucky Larson had slightly more than eight people. You could get more people to a fake funeral.

It’s a shame, because I always thought Nick Swardson was the funniest one in that crew. But also not a shame, because Bucky Larson looked like a Mexican sitcom (and not in a good way, where all of the women have preposterously ample cleavage). If Jack and Jill does this poorly when it opens in November, maybe Sandler can finally stop with this lowest common denominator experiment and get back to making comedy. I know, I know, I’m totally that YOU’VE CHANGED, BRO guy. But even conceding that I was thirteen at the time, I refuse to believe that “The Buffoon Meets the Dean of Admissions” wasn’t a watershed moment in comedy. “I LOOKED AT MY ASSH*LE IN THE MIRROR TODAY,” is my generation’s “Who’s On First.” I remember where I was the first time I heard “MY NEIGHBOR’S DOG HAS A FOUR-INCH CLIT” like it was the goddamned Kennedy assassination.

(full top 10 after the jump)

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Jesus, how many movies did Steven Soderbergh make this year? He already has Haywire, starring my burly pretend lover Gina Carano coming out in January, and now here’s a trailer for Contagion, which opens in September. Maybe this one didn’t take as long, seeing as how it looks exactly like Outbreak (Update: It has come to my attention that our friend Mike at Screenrant has put together a mash-up on this very subject). The downside is that it has Gwyneth Paltrow in it. The upshot is that she dies in the middle of the trailer. Someone must’ve finally called her bluff and gave her a choice between that or letting her kid eat Cup-O-Soup.

Also keep your eyes peeled for the “SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT” scene at the 37-second mark. You know that scene. It’s where a minor character, who desperately craves clarification of something he already knows, prefaces a statement with “So let me get this straight…”, in order to deliver important exposition. It’s the fancy screenwriter way of saying, “Are you still with me here, dipsh*ts? Try to keep up.”

“SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT: THERE’S A MISSILE THE SIZE OF THE CHRYSLER BUILDING FILLED WITH A DEADLY VIRUS… AND IT’S HEADED STRAIGHT FOR EIFFEL TOWER?”

“THAT’S RIGHT! …AND MY KID’S IN THERE!”

“LOOKS LIKE THIS TIME… IT’S PERSONAL.”

[next page: bonus gif]
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If you know anything about the upcoming film Country Strong, it’s probably that Gwyneth Paltrow stars and that Gwyneth Paltrow sings country songs and that Gwyneth Paltrow sang at the Country Music Awards and that Gwyneth Paltrow was on Glee and that Gwyneth Paltrow wants you to buy this $6,000 umbrella with a handle crafted from the wood of Noah’s Ark. But it turns out that other people are in Country Strong, including Tim McGraw, Garrett Hedlund, Leighton Meester, and Gwyneth Paltrow.

Hedlund plays a country singer on the rise who teams up with Paltrow, and I’m sure they go on some kind of awesome journey of self discovery, giant belt buckles, spitting chaw, and domestic violence, but the real story here is Leighton Meester and how she should date me. Moviefone posted an exclusive clip of Meester and Hedlund singing a duet for Country Strong, and while I am not much of a country fan – I once pretended to like Garth Brooks for a handy on a hay ride – I can appreciate Meester’s talents, but mainly that she makes me want to be a better person and do things like volunteer at orphanages and pay my taxes.

Rootin’ tootin’ yeehaw jamboree after the jump, pardners…

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I don’t know about you, but when I read about the inspirational kabbalah beauty creams and decorative botox clutches in Gwyneth Paltrow’s goop.com newsletter, the first impression I get of her is “wide eyed dreamer that just rolled in off a dusty midwest bus.”  In fact, I think her and the Coldplay guy were John Cougar’s inspiration for “Jack and Diane.”

Anyway, as you may have already guessed, this is the music video for the song “Country Strong”, from Gwyneth Paltrow’s upcoming film, Country Strong, which opens nationwide on January 7th.  No word on whether she has plans to pursue a country singing career after this, but it’s pretty hilarious that Hollywood expects the heartland to buy Gwyneth Paltrow as a country gal.  Haha, just kidding, of course. They think pro wrestling is real. You throw on a cowboy hat and get their toes tapping, these dung punters’ll believe anything you tell ‘em. A junior college chick once let me get to third base during a Razorbacks game after I convinced her I was an Earnhardt. Hell, look at Kenny Chesney.  I’m pretty sure that guy went to a performing arts high school in Berkeley.

Boxcar Gwynnie