As part of their always-solid “musicians review…” series, NextMovie brought in Oderus Urungus and Balsac the Jaws of Death of Gwar, to review the one-time Oscar favorite, Steven Spielberg’s Lincoln (these days, the smart money is on Argo). A year after calling War Horse “Snore Horse,” Oderus Urungus, presumably speaking for the pair, said, in part, “Steven Spielberg’s Lincoln blows! It’s boring and stupid. Everyone says it’s good, just because he directed it.”

Balsac the Jaws of Death, meanwhile, went on to level an even more specific critique at Sally Field’s portrayal of Mary Todd.

BALSAC THE JAWS OF DEATH: You know what I didn’t like about this movie? It’s that Gidget did a horrible job as Lincoln’s wife.

ODERUS URUNGUS: WHERE WAS THE MADNESS OF MARY TODD!?

I know I say this all the time, but I agree with Gwar. Spielberg tried to illustrate Mary Todd’s bi-polarity by showing her sad that her only son wanted to go off to war, which, while perhaps true, is also the most boring, played-out, period war movie cliché ever. Give us some juicy stuff, like maybe she bathes in the blood of Christian babies to stay young, or rigs up a special harness to have sex with her horse. You know, really spice things up.

If I could critique this critique, I would ask why Oderus Urungus and Balsac the Jaws of Death get to do all the reviews. They should get their bassist, Doug Peters, in on these. Doug is from Oregon.

The guys from Gwar don’t return my calls anymore after I borrowed their giant fake-jizz squirting paper maché dildo and didn’t give it back, but apparently NextMovie doesn’t have that problem, because they got Oderus Urungus and Balsac the Jaws of Death to review Speilberg’s latest horsploitation film, War Horse. What follows is a review so accurate, AO Scott tried to slit his own wrists with a monogrammed letter opener in recognition of his own futility.

“War Horse is a great movie if you are a five-year-old girl who loves horses and has never seen a movie before.”

“I think they should change the name to Snore Horse.”

I’ve seen it, and I’m still embargoed (GWAR HEEDS NOT YOUR HUMAN EMBARGOES!), but I will say that those are probably the only two reviews you need.

[NextMovie]

And just for fun, here’s an old clip of Gwar on Joan Rivers, back when Oderus sounded like Triumph the Insult Comic Dog:

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Sitting here in this Starbucks listening to some Broadway theater actor sing vibrato-filled hymns, I want nothing more than for Gwar to burst in here and cover everyone with fake blood and jizz. |via TheDailyWhat|

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