(Aw, give Keanu a turn.  You guys are mean.)

Ever since Guillermo Del Toro announced that he wouldn’t be directing The Hobbit and he left that sheep-smelling, mongoloid colony of New Zealand, there’d been rampant (RAMPANT) speculation as to what his next project would be.  Now Deadline says he’ll be directing an adaptation of the HP Lovecraft novel At the Mountains of Madness, which will be shot in 3D (not post-converted) and produced by James Cameron. Last time I let Del Toro on my lovecraft, he broke the seat. Wakka wakka (*football to the groin*) (*bike horn*)

In the Lovecraft tale, a gruesome discovery made during a scientific expedition to the South Pole in the 1930s  hints at the true origin of mankind having come from elder gods from another planet. Bad things happen when those life forms are awakened.

It goes into pre-production in a few weeks and is scheduled to begin shooting next year.  I haven’t read the book, but ThePlaylist mentions an “underlying anti-semitism”, which led me to a choice Lovecraft quote:

The mass of contemporary Jews are hopeless as far as America is concerned. They are the product of alien blood, & inherit alien ideals, impulses, & emotions which forever preclude the possibility of wholesale assimilation… On our side there is a shuddering physical repugnance to most Semitic types…so that wherever the Wandering Jew wanders, he will have to content himself with his own society till he disappears or is killed off in some sudden outburst of mad physical loathing on our part. I’ve easily felt able to slaughter a score or two when jammed in a N.Y. subway train.

He wrote that in 1926, and the amazing thing is how true it holds even today.   Wait, what?  (Incidentally, Lovecraft also owned a cat named “Ni**er Man”).  Said Mel Gibson, “WAIT A MINUTE, SUGARTITS, YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THESE ARE JEW ALIENS? QUICK, I’LL GET THE BASEBALL BAT, YOU START BLOWING ME! IT’LL BE JUST LIKE THE SET OF SIGNS!   SOOWEE! SOOWEE!

Haha, I love you, easy jokes.

(LAN party!)

To bring you up to speed, Guillermo Del Toro was originally set to direct The Hobbit, working closely with producer Peter Jackson.  Studio delays eventually drove Del Toro to leave, when he couldn’t commit to spending three more years breathing exclusively out of his mouth, as mandated by New Zealand law.  There was a search for a replacement, but today, Hollywood Reporter says that search may be over, as Peter Jackson is in negotiations to direct it himself.

Warner Bros. and New Line, which run point on the production over partner MGM, never did a full-on search for a director, even as some names surfaced as possible contenders. Why? Because Warners/New Line was saving most of its energy trying to woo Jackson.
Jackson had other commitments and wasn’t sure he wanted to devote another chunk of his life to the tales of J.R.R. Tolkien. But because of the complicated nature and the advanced stage of the undertaking — Middle-earth was being built from the ground up when del Toro left so unexpectedly — it wasn’t simply filling a chair with a warm body.
Insiders say the next few days will be crucial in the negotiating process between Jackson’s camp and the Warners/New Line side. [Hollywood Reporter]

Earlier rumors had pegged Neill Blomkamp as the likely director, over other rumored possible replacements David Yates, David Dobkin, and Brett Ratner.  But it appears the execs were saving themselves for Furry Pete all along.  Upon hearing the news, Brett Ratner held up a nacho and regarded it thoughtfully for a few seconds before taking a bite, then sighed and fondled his crotch morosely.

Hobbit producer and script co-writer Peter Jackson really wanted Guillermo Del Toro to direct The Hobbit, and Del Toro did too.  But after countless studio delays, Del Toro ultimately decided that he couldn’t spend six years in New Zealand, the Wal Mart of the southern seas.  The search is on for a new director.  The studio wants Peter Jackson to return, but Jackson has other commitments and would prefer someone else do it, someone whom he trusts.  Lord of the Rings fan site The One Ring now says they hear the director will be District 9‘s Neill Blomkamp, which would make a lot of sense considering Jackson’s role as producer on District 9 and Jackson and Blomkamp’s close working relationship.

So now this spy report has come in from somebody claiming, after some offhand details that rang very true:

“(I) was given the breakdown details for the film, which included who the director is: Neil Bloomkamp.”

In short we know from lots of sources:
1. Jackson doesn’t want to do it
2. He wants somebody he trusts and can be sure of
3. Casting is happening now
4. Pre-pre-production is happening now
5. MGM and Warners need a talent in place yesterday
6. The platform for making a big genre splash announcement is approaching [Comic-Con]
7. The schedule fits with rumors from many sources
8. Many spies are sounding similar notes
9. One tells us they have seen the film breakdown with Blomkamp directing
My personal opinion is that this information is correct.

I have no way of verifying said rumor as that would require traveling to New Zealand and I’m allergic to sheep semen (don’t ask me how I know), but Blomkamp directing certainly sounds plausible, and would be welcome. (“Come yee-ah, Hobitt.  Do you want ta sweettie?”)

I can also tell you that I hope that this Lord of the Rings-vuvuzela meme never goes away. (*BZZZZZZZZZZZBZZZZZ BZZZZZZZZ*)

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WB and MGM are the studios making The Hobbit, and aside from not actually having greenlit it and recently losing the director, everything is going fine.  Studio delays were mostly what cost them Guillermo Del Toro as a director, when the furry Mexican couldn’t commit to spending six years (instead of three) in New Zealand, the oozing, penis chancre of the world.  Now Deadline reports that WB and MGM are trying to sell Peter Jackson (currently co-writer and producer) on directing the films himself.  Jackson had previously said he’d be amenable to the idea, provided he could get out of contracts he’d signed to direct other films.

Warner Bros and MGM braintrust will keep pursuing him until Jackson gives a definitive no.  Other filmmakers are interested in replacing del Toro. Sources tell me David Yates, David Dobkin, and the ubiquitous Brett Ratner are among them. One tricky part of the equation is the deal numbers. So much gross already has been committed on the picture that there isn’t much left to give to a top-level director. Sources tell me that gross participants include the JRR Tolkien estate, Jackson, Saul Zaentz, even Harvey Weinstein, who bargained for a 5% gross stake in the original trilogy.  No matter who gets the gig, they’ll have to accept a creative deal or the financing studios will be hard pressed to make money.

Just do it, Pete.  Let’s be honest, most of your non-Lord of the Rings films kind of blow anyway.  I can see why Brett Ratner would be interested in a project about homoerotic midgets*, given his propensity to live-Tweet Jonas Brothers concerts, but I guarantee that interest will evaporate like so much Axe aftershave once he finds out how hard it is to get decent nachos down there.  Tom Cruise: “As long as no gays are in there.”  Brett Ratner: “As long as there are nachos there.”

*Sidenote: There’s a disturbing amount of LotR-themed gay fan fiction out there. I was doing a simple search for “Lord of the Rings” when this stuff came up.

As I so brilliantly pointed out recently, Hollywood has slowly been destroying the awesomeness of vampire movies, with films like Dracula 2000, Queen of the Damned and Twilight mangling once terrifying characters. Perhaps one of the worst offenders of all-time was 2004’s Van Helsing, directed by the poop-smearing Stephen Sommers. Universal Pictures is moving forward with a new Van Helsing project, but this time it is thankfully being produced and written by Guillermo del Toro.

Having already directed the outstanding Cronos and decent enough Blade II, del Toro has his finger on the pulse (*bowtie spins*) of vampire action and his Van Helsing project is being referred to as an “action horror story.” It is uncertain if del Toro will also direct this adaptation, but compared to Sommers’ effort he could film two hours of this guy describing the plot of Once Bitten and he’d clean house at the Academy Awards.

I’ll let go of this wedgie if you let me bang your sister, Pajiba:

The bad news is this: Universal Pictures is developing another Van Helsing movie. However, it’s not a remake. It’s simply based upon the same fictional vampire hunter character from Bram Stoker’s Dracula, a great character who was, by all accounts, given an unfair shake in Stephen Sommers’ awful 2004 Van Helsing movie.

Del Toro, with Chuck Hogan, penned the vampire novel “The Strain” as the first in a trilogy and it was released last year to strong reviews. The story is similar in nature to “Bram Stoker’s Dracula,” in that it features a vampire hunter as the central character, much like Van Helsing. What it doesn’t feature is Dracula harvesting big booger sacks full of his babies, birthed by his obnoxious, screaming brides. Nor does it feature a craptastic Wolfman and sissy Frankenstein. I guess what I’m trying to say is it isn’t complete garbage like Sommers’ Van Helsing.

Of course, del Toro’s focus on this film means that The Hobbit is completely dead since MGM Studios is broke, causing del Toro to walk. But don’t worry, Sommers still has a second GI Joe and six other projects on the way, so yeah, life is fair.